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Advice on purging


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So I have a very big decision to make over the next 7 days. My girlfriend of two years will be moving in with me and she doesn’t know that I am a cross dresser. I really don’t know how to approach the situation and Im really scared of what may happen. I haven’t told anyone I know about my cross dressing, Im so afraid to be found out. I hate that I cross dress and I hate that I like it, I wish I was either normal or a girl sometimes so I wouldn’t feel the way I do. Im afraid to talk about it to people I know because its such a personal thing and I’m afraid that the wrong people will hear about my problem. Ive been trying to come to terms with who I am but I am struggling. I have tried to explore my feelings and I’m afraid to go too far, I’ve tried under dressing a few times in public and I liked it but was too paranoid that everyone knew what I was doing. I do love my girlfriend and I am afraid to tell her because I am afraid I may lose her. I have a small feeling that she may already know but hasn’t said anything. One day I found a very distinctly colored strand of hair stuck to one of my dresses I had hidden. It was definitely her hair but I don’t know if maybe I sat on it while dressed or she found it while I was out.



I feel like I only have 3 options at this point. 1: Purge all of my women’s clothes, a hard decision because Im throwing away money, and people who cross dress don’t tend to just stop completely and I’ll just fall back into it. 2: Try hiding my women’s clothes in a storage unit, another expensive option but I feel like Im being a coward and there’s still a chance I’ll be found out. And 3: come out, which I am very afraid of. She may already know as I mentioned before but I’m not 100% sure. My girlfriend is a very kinda and caring person, she told me her friend came out as mtf and she was so excited to help her with transitioning. I think that she would accept me for what I am and be supportive but I am afraid I may lose her. I just don’t know what to do at this point.


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3 hours ago, Notsure2015 said:

she told me her friend came out as mtf and she was so excited to help her with transitioning

I think that your girlfriend has made a point to tell you this is a good sign, and may have been giving you a chance to tell your story.

My advice is to take this opportunity and come out to her.  A lot of us here have been in this same situation as you are, and the fear of losing someone. If your relationship is to go further it would be best to be open and honest with her now.  If the relationship is meant to be, it will remain after you come out.



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Yup, three. Lies are absolutely toxic in relationships. If it's going to work, she needs to know and love all of you.



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Honesty seemed impossible to me.  I purged too many times was "caught" several times and lived in shame and fear.  I felt miserable about myself.  I was blessed when i finally came out.  

It is always a tough decision but if it helps i am glad that i can be me now.  I'm sure that otherwise the shame and fear would still be a part of my life.

?You are not alone





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9 hours ago, Notsure2015 said:

... I really don’t know how to approach the situation and Im really scared of what may happen. I haven’t told anyone I know about my cross dressing, Im so afraid to be found out. I hate that I cross dress and I hate that I like it, I wish I was either normal or a girl sometimes so I wouldn’t feel the way I do. Im afraid ...

Notsure, For decades I felt this way too, I hated, rather abhorred myself, purged, reacquired, acted ultra masculine, on & on. But it never went away & I always ended up in time feeling miserable. This past December I was finally able to honestly look at who I am, I found this forum, thank God. Here I found people who felt like me, & shared loving support, advice & acceptance, they accepted me before I could accept myself. They suggested I see a gender therapist and read a couple of books, (You & Your Gender Identity & My New Gender Workbook). These I have done, & today I can accept & even love myself for who I am. Even at the cost of a marriage. I purged once more in response to being told I was selfish to live this way. I lasted four days, becoming angry, resentful & hating myself & her. I can't live like that.


I believe only you can decide who you are, & to love others one must love themselves. 




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Really good advice and experience so far! Can totally relate. My thought is: consider if the relationship may fail it probably won't be due to your dressing at all. Sometimes, some of us are actually afraid of acceptance, too!

I have struggled with fear of not finding companionship myself, and still do. Fear is fear, although it can be very complex, and come in a thousand forms. The truth is: we MUST face our fears eventually, or we will never find fulfillment or be whole. We should be as honest as we can. I think if you explained it just like you wrote it here that it is something you have no choice in, your partner is confronted with an immutable truth, and not necessarily with a "bad habit". 

We also have to consider the other person's rights and respects. Trust is key in relationships. What if the shoe was on the other foot? 

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@Notsure2015, I really fumbled the Coming Out process with my wife after 44 years of marriage. I only crossdressed in our early years of marriage because we were close in size back then. The advice everyone preceding me is on point. I’m currently reading a book called My Husband Betty by Hellen Boyd, to mark up and share with my wife Suzie. The book primarily deals with Crossdressing and Relationships, barely touching on Transgender relationships. As for the purging, I’ve never had to. Believe it or not, my Suzie and I spent the entire day cleaning out her closet. Only a few sweaters & jackets were my size, and she did ask if I wanted them. In the last couple of months she’s been offering jewelry and footwear advice. Asking if I was ready to move forward? My response up until today was, Not Yet. 

Be honest with yourself as well as your girlfriend, aka soon to be roommate. Your desire to dress as a woman won’t go away. Face it with her openly and honestly, if she isn’t scared off, it’s a win. 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe,



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21 hours ago, Notsure2015 said:

I do love my girlfriend and I am afraid to tell her because I am afraid I may lose her.

This was me with my current wife of 23 years ago a month before we both flew to Sacramento. Once I bought our flights to meet there I did the biggest purge of my life. Ten years of stuff that filled a huge storage unit. We married and I went 20 years without crossdressing. But it was detrimental to me health and overall personality. The suppression and denial felt like a slow death inside for me. Eventually, I had to admit and accept the truth of who I was and that this really never goes away until dealt with properly. That was 3 years ago. My wife and I are doing better than ever and she had absolutely no understanding of what it meant to be transgender before we met. Yes…Sometimes I wish I had done it all differently but, like you, I am not sure what the outcome would have been. Knowing what I know today, I would have chosen your Option 3 for myself.


21 hours ago, Notsure2015 said:

My girlfriend is a very kinda and caring person, she told me her friend came out as mtf and she was so excited to help her with transitioning. I think that she would accept me for what I am and be supportive

I think it’s better to start out with honesty as some have mentioned here. Secrets can eat away at trust over time especially if she finds hints while living with you here and there. I know it’s a very difficult decision but given that your girlfriend has some understanding of what it means to be ‘transgender’ and is accepting of it at some level, you have a chance to make this work with some good communication and understanding. You don’t really want to go through the suppression/denial routine for God knows how long. It’s not living…it’s barely surviving under the weight of secrecy and guilt and that is so difficult to do for the rest of your long life together.


Good luck on your big decision,

Susan R🌷

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I have been happily married to the same girl for 44 years.  I told her about Sally before we married and it was the best decision of my life.  When I told her, then we both knew and not only was it a relief, we both got to deal with Sally and her challenges as a team.  That strengthened the relationship.  


Oh, and one last thought, it was the best decision of my life.  Tell your girlfriend now, no matter how terrified you might be.  News like this never gets better with age.

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