hellooo world!

[stveee]

hi I am "stevie", I am a genderfluid/nonbinary crossdresser and seem to be at a turning point midlife. I started crossdressing at an early age and up to my mid 20s did not know about different genders and me possibly being "born in the wrong body". So I "came out" around the time I got married, as my ex wife accepted it, and experimented/researched MtF transition, but did not think I experienced the same discomfort level to do the snip. I did start electrolysis for facial hair (the old school kind) and after a couple months, couldn't take anymore. I built up an entire femme wardrobe and all that, but also at that time abused alcohol, drugs and had a history of clinical depression and suicide attempts.

I went through several purge cycles of clothing over the years, the marriage was a mistake and just tried to keep my feminity to a minimum and recently "live like a normal guy"... but after maintaining a sober lifestyle and maturing I realize it's about finding my own comfort level, my own "truth". Not embracing it led me back to relapse before. So I believe I am on the spectrum somewhere, but have yet to really identify with a specific "brand" of queer. Probably more bi-gendered. I see both, although I prefer to let my femme side take more control. She speaks more from the heart. She is more, open, youthful and vulnerable.

I was impressed by the range and depth of topics here and am excited to continue the path.

 

[Aggie1]

3 hours ago, stveee said:

She speaks more from the heart. She is more, open, youthful and vulnerable.

I was impressed by the range and depth of topics here and am excited to continue the path.

Welcome! Similar experiences here! The little girl trapped inside for many years, patiently waiting, understanding. Finally enjoying the light of day! It feels so natural to be vulnerable and not have to wear a mask to hide behind.

[Susan R]

12 hours ago, stveee said:

Not embracing it led me back to relapse before. So I believe I am on the spectrum somewhere, but have yet to really identify with a specific "brand" of queer. Probably more bi-gendered. I see both, although I prefer to let my femme side take more control. She speaks more from the heart. She is more, open, youthful and vulnerable.

Hi Stevie! You seem to have accepted this as part of your authentic self. IMHO, This is one of the biggest steps you can take in life as a transgender person. If you read through the hundreds, if not thousands, of introductions and biographies here, you’ll see that it’s really a deep part of everyone’s core personality. Trying to change it is like dying your hair and expecting it to always be that new color. Eventually, it grows back and its original color returns and you have to redo the entire process over and over. It’s analogous to the entire purge cycle you refer to above. It eventually has to be understood and accepted for what it is.

 

12 hours ago, stveee said:

I was impressed by the range and depth of topics here and am excited to continue the path.

Another hard part is finding your place of comfort with this new acceptance. Once you do that and you’re comfortable, you can begin to live without fear and it becomes less ‘top of mind’ in your daily life. You no longer focus on solving the issues of ‘the secret’ and start to focus on other goals for yourself. This forum is helpful for getting to that point. I couldn’t have come to a place of comfort and acceptance with myself without this forum and the members here. It may become the same for you too but like many things, you get back what you put into it. I hope to read more of your back story in time. It’s very nice to meet you, btw.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Delcina B]

Welcome Stveee! I love your name, though spell check doesn't seem to. Glad you're here. I relate to so much of what you wrote. I too reached a point in sobriety where I had to be honest with myself, explore & accept me. This forum have been a huge part of being able to make this journey. I've found loving support, advice & acceptance here, & hope you do too.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Ivy]

Welcome Steveee 

[Vidanjali]

Welcome, @stveee! Congratulations on everything you've overcome & cheers to all the new found freedom.