Double life....

[neo3000]

Hello everyone,

First off, thanks for letting me in this forum. This message is going to be a bit long so bear with me. Long story short, I know that I am a transgender man but my social setting makes it impossible for me to do anything about it. 

The thing is, I am very good at repressing anything. From my dream careers to my desires. The only thing I couldn't repress for long enough was my desire for women, and it caused me a lot of trouble. See, in my country, we have no gay rights and absolutely no signs of transgender rights either. So I moved countries, but even with this, I am now living away from the woman I love the most, from my best friends, and even in this country where it's safe to be somewhat queer, I kept the double life for the sake of my work and studies. 

 

Everytime I tried to collide my two lives (aka my "presentable self" and my "desired self") things go dire. For example, when I just left my country, I started appearing very masculine. People perceived me as nothing but a butch lesbian, which was, what I kind of identified as, and in my workplace they weren't so happy with it. They'd ask me very uncomfy questions on my sex life which was.... very awkward.  Back in my country, they would mistake me for a boy, and hear me out, I was so happy about it. But I was still thinking that it was just me "f-cking with gender" and nothing else. When they'd gender me in a masculine way, or call me ''son'', it felt so aligned. Obviously a lot of them knew I was female, but they have a way of making tomboys feel like "boys" cause it's all a phase in their heads (aka we'll eventually find a man, get married, be feminine). However, my father was always furious about this. He kept telling me people thought i was a boy when "you are not". And I would reassure him: I am not, I only happen to like masculine things and I have always been this way. 

But here's the stitch. I always desire to be a man. At first, I didn't admit it because of the quite transphobic lesbian environment I was in, and the fact that this lesbian environment was my only refuge. But then, I started doubting, and thought that either ways gender is fake and only sex matters (which is not my point of view anymore, but it did help me repress it for a while). But I got tired of theorizing everything, cause when I look at men going to the office in the subway, I get jealous of them. It's not the status that I'm jealous of, rather the presence they display. And apparently, not every masculine presenting person feels this way. 

 

When the woman I've been in love with for almost half of my life confessed to me, I told her that I loved her but I needed to tell her this "secret" of mine, which was that, I am transgender and I prefer overall masculine terms and i told her that i understood if she wanted to leave. When she told me that she didn't mind and that she'd love me either way, it was like a click in my mind. I suddenly started calling my self a man, "pretending" to be male behind the screens, and ended up choosing a name for myself.  

 

But here's the thing. Very few people know this. And sometimes, I don't dare talk about this with my transmasc friends cause they all go through medical transitioning and I'm here still being perceived as a woman (because i am no longer ambiguous and despite masculine clothing, I am still very much perceived as a woman. The way I dress is just considered as office clothing) thus gaining a certain comfort of -not- being harassed or looked at weird. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if this double life where only my lover and three of my friends know, will be durable. I just got out of depression and I don't want to get back into it so I'm very vigilant to what I display especially with my family to not have this constant "we'll have to hide you to avoid embarrassment/bad reputation" thing all over again. And that's the thing. You can maybe hide homosexuality but you can't hide a transition. 

All I want in this life is freedom, but freedom comes with money and to make money I have to conform and work. For now, it's my only focus so not being able to express masculinity is repressed in a little corner of my mind. But repression is like a cavity, if you're not careful, it'll reach the root and be the most painful thing you'll ever experience. 

But this society, the one I grew up in, the one that holds me back every time and I, just being tired of trouble, don't know what to do. Is it even possible to repress it for a lifetime? 

 

Plus, I keep seeing all these young trans kids knowing they are trans thus transitioning early. But I didn't know being trans was even a thing until 3 years ago. So I feel like I'll never get to do anything about it as I am soon going to be working for the rest of my life and work takes vigilance and obeisance of the rules.

Does anyone live like this?

 

That's all I wanted to say. Sorry for the long message, I have no one to talk to about this. 

Thank you for reading. I hope y'all have a wonderful time. 

[Charlize]

Welcome Neo,

    Thank you for sharing your feelings and story with us.  Many here can relate whether they are MTF or FTM.  Finding out, or perhaps accepting is a better word,  who we are is difficult at best.  This is especially true when many around us simply do not understand or approve.  Sharing my journey of discovery has helped me both here and in therapy.  I have many dear FTM friends who have found peace with themselves and the world.  If it helps you are not alone.

   It took me work and patience to finally find peace but i know it is possible.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Drake]

Oh, my goodness yes. I have led the double life for years and am just now trying to break down the barrier between the two. I live in the United States, but there are still some areas that are aggressive towards trans people. I worked under one name as one person, and then went home to my SO as my real self, my real gender, my real name. It does a number on your head. I don't really know what to tell you. I am so sorry. You have an enormous challenge ahead. It takes a lot of work to get to where you can even transition. The only thing I can tell you is to make a plan to get to a safe place to transition, and then put that plan on paper. You can figure a way out, but it will take time and it won't be easy. Please take care yourself. Your mental health deserves this.

[Ivy]

Welcome Neo

[neo3000]

Thank you Charlize and Drake for your kind words. 
And thank you Jandi for welcoming me. 
I wish you all a wonderful day, y'all are very kind. 

[Sally Stone]

Neo welcome.  I think you'll find solace here with all these wonderful people who understand what it's like to be out of sorts with the skin you were born into.  It is very hard to overcome, to ultimately free oneself, from the pressures of society.  Even though transgender people are a lot more common and more readily accepted, our society's overall view is that gender is mostly binary.  

 

I think ultimately, each of us has to accept that if we want to live as our true selves, we need to put ourselves out there, despite knowing there will be some blowback.  All I can suggest is that you try to be true to yourself.  While you are attempting that, know you have love and support here.

[Heather Shay]

@neo3000 several of those who have helped me so much have commented above and I agree with them.

As you can see, you have a sanctuary, oasis, safe Harbor and a home here.

Welcome brother.

[Vidanjali]

Welcome and much love to you, @neo3000. I've found the support of this community to be most empowering. You have allies and siblings here. I pray you will become free to be you. 

[Davie]

Welcome @neo3000 

Look around at this support. You are not alone.

Keep coming back.

hugs,

Davie

[neo3000]

Hello everyone, 

 

I would like to thank you all for your kind words. 

I gathered enough courage to come out to my friends, and things went well despite having to cut off one person. I guess destiny has it ways of telling you some people are not good for you. 

I wouldn't have been able to do this if I didn't log on this website first. 

Thank you so much.

 

Love,

Neo. 

[Charlize]

It is lovely to see you are able to open up to your friends.  As to the one who is cut off, i found that it took some folks to accept  my reality.  Relationships have changed but over time friendship has resumed.  The important thing is that i'm comfortable in myself.  Their issues are their own, not mine.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize