Taking the big step forward - Nervous

[swallow]

Hi everyone,

 

Update, haven't been on for a while...been busy with organizing my daughter back to college (or rather he organizing me)?

 

I've taken the big step in calling for an appointment to see a clinic in Los Angeles for possible HRT.

 

So Nervous but I guess there is no harm just exploring the possibilities for me.?

 

I thought I could go through the 'Real Life Test' without resorting to HRT but I've been my own worse critic.

 

Its in some ways imbued in my inability to fully commit to using a female voice bc I don't think I pass 'enough'.

 

And that's likely solely in my head but its such an enormous issue.?

 

I have not seemed to have too much difficulties going about town dressed with little margin for error.

 

At the Gas station, a work man coming out of the store greeted me as 'Mam' and I tried to affect a slightly higher pitch when asking for the receipt, the lady also thanked me as "Mam'.

 

But there's always this (Irrational) seed of doubt that "I'm not good enough" and people may just be polite.?

 

Its absurd I know since Women come in all shapes and forms and I remind myself everyday (especially today my run day) that I've damn well put in the effort more than many Cis-women to look the way I do so I should at very least be able to enjoy myself before I'm too old or dead.

 

A chat with a Heterosexual male friend about my gender issues where he was honest about his feelings also made me feel incomplete.

 

He said he could not see me at the moment as any other than who I was to him before.

 

I told him that was a positive for me.  Explained that my issues were not just woven in sexual preferences as he understood it at this point.?

 

Its an inexplicable almost need to simply function as a feminine persona. None of it is Genital centric apart from the irritation of tucking the damn thing away. ?

 

I don't feel I personally need a Vagina but at least outwardly to better function in society, some parts of appearance need to present themselves for my own comfort.

 

...there's this element of having to 'qualify' that I am trying to get out of my head. But I can't seem to shake off. It goes back to the question where is the end line and my answer I really don't know till I get there.?

 

Well, hopefully if HRT is a thing for me, and it develops me into a more satisfactory form that allays my own fears on passing, allows me to also work on my voice better, it will be worth the while. Will update my experience (if worthy)?

 

Hope everyone is faring well. ☺️

 

 

 

[Jackie C.]

Hey @swallow! Glad to hear you're doing well.

 

For ME anyway, HRT settled down most of the brain goblins. Even the "thing" bothered me less. I still got rid of it, but you can't change your gender on a couple of documents in my state if you don't. Also it was kind of a bother. Tucking can be a chore. So yeah, better off without it and I won't run afoul of any bathroom laws.

 

Best of luck whatever you choose! Also keep in mind that HRT is pretty easily reversible if you decide that it's not for you. Just sit back and enjoy the ride.

 

Hugs!

[swallow]

Many thanks for the encouragement Jackie!

 

Yah I'm kinda timid in life so this is like my partner's little voice also urging me forward to give it a try.? She was always so positive.

 

All else, and at very least if its not medically advisable, then I know I've tried and will have to accept myself in current reality.

 

I'm most nervous bc I'm a bit Hypochondriac?...in some ways I don't want to find out its not possible bc of some medical issues. In other ways, I don't want to tempt fate with what I have right now good health...

 

But I'm not happy enough at the moment and I don't think I've given it an honest try.

 

So have to push myself forward. We are our own worse enemies sometimes?

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, swallow said:

I'm most nervous bc I'm a bit Hypochondriac?...in some ways I don't want to find out its not possible bc of some medical issues. In other ways, I don't want to tempt fate with what I have right now good health...

 

You're probably OK. I began my transition as a 48 year old potato and look at me now. I had high blood pressure and a cholesterol score that my doctor had only seen beaten once. I've since fixed that nonsense, but my endo said, "Don't worry, we can usually find some kind of treatment plan that will work for you." I found it pretty reassuring. I hope you will too.

 

Hugs!