Transition and Changes in Sexual Orientation

[Sometimes Chrissie]

https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0110016

 

It seems to happen and I have to wonder what happens when a husband transitions M2F.

 

Do the husband and wife stay together?

 

Do they find a surrogate male or males?

 

Do they split even if they love each other madly? 

 

If a wife transition F2M what happens?

[Bri2020]

I think this is so very individualized.  Most couples split. Sometimes amicable sometimes not.  Others stay together but have -crap- relationship. Some rediscover intimacy.  I think when people “change” their orientation many probably were really more pan sexual or attracted to the gender all along but repressed it. 

[KathyLauren]

The short answer is that some do and some don't. 

 

Some people change their sexual orientation when they transition; some don't.  Some couples stay together; some don't.  Some make alternative sexual arrangements; some don't.  Some get divorced while staying loving towards one another; some don't.  Some remain married while their relationship deteriorates; some don't.

 

There are no rules about this. 

 

In my case, I was strongly attracted to women, and to my wife in particular, before transition, and I remained strongly attracted to women, and to my wife in particular, after transition.  So I guess you could say that my orientation, the way it is typically defined, changed from straight to lesbian.  But my attraction to women did not change.

 

My wife is very supportive, and we remain married, probably happier than we were before.  There are other trans women in the same position as I am, and there are many in different situations.

[Jackie C.]

3 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

Most couples split.

 

So not true. 55% of marriages stay intact so slightly over half.

 

What the posters above said. It varies from couple to couple. For example: My spouse and I are still together and plan to remain so. That said, I know a MtF who claims she's pan (or at least was before she started transitioning) who is now about as hetero as I am a lesbian.

 

If it wasn't obvious from the context, I'm pretty fiercely gay. I belong to lesbian social groups. I've identified as a lesbian since high school. I like the girls is what I'm trying to say.

 

I'm not sure that your orientation changes to much as you allow yourself to feel attractions that you denied before. It's like when a father of two comes out of the closet as gay. He can pretend to be straight (for a while anyway), but it's not really who he is. Being trans is the same way. You take the ribbon off the package and what comes out, comes out.

 

Personally, my spouse and I have some malfunctions in the bedroom. Mostly because she isn't really sure what she's doing and still considers herself straight. It is my fondest desire that she gets over this hurdle sooner rather than later, but we're working on it. We're working on a lot honestly, but we're working on it and we make a great couple.

 

So yeah, you don't have to divorce. Some do. Some don't. You don't have to change your sexual orientation either. Maybe it happens. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe you discover that you're pan. I know pan transwomen. The important thing is that you have to be you. Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

Hugs!

[Jamie68]

2 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

So not true. 55% of marriages stay intact so slightly over half.

 

What the posters above said. It varies from couple to couple. For example: My spouse and I are still together and plan to remain so. That said, I know a MtF who claims she's pan (or at least was before she started transitioning) who is now about as hetero as I am a lesbian.

 

If it wasn't obvious from the context, I'm pretty fiercely gay. I belong to lesbian social groups. I've identified as a lesbian since high school. I like the girls is what I'm trying to say.

 

I'm not sure that your orientation changes to much as you allow yourself to feel attractions that you denied before. It's like when a father of two comes out of the closet as gay. He can pretend to be straight (for a while anyway), but it's not really who he is. Being trans is the same way. You take the ribbon off the package and what comes out, comes out.

 

Personally, my spouse and I have some malfunctions in the bedroom. Mostly because she isn't really sure what she's doing and still considers herself straight. It is my fondest desire that she gets over this hurdle sooner rather than later, but we're working on it. We're working on a lot honestly, but we're working on it and we make a great couple.

 

So yeah, you don't have to divorce. Some do. Some don't. You don't have to change your sexual orientation either. Maybe it happens. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe you discover that you're pan. I know pan transwomen. The important thing is that you have to be you. Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

Hugs!

I hope you're right. I plan to be in the 55% side. This is pretty good considering the divorse rate nowdays. People just aren't committed to working things out like they used to be. It's a shame.

My sexual orientation won't change. I was bisexual before, so no difference. I still love my spouse greatly. I'm not saying it's easy, but we are working things out together.

[adriannamb]

My marriage split 5 years ago when I transitioned.I decided to stay attract to women when I transitioned.Lucky to have a supportive partner whom I married 3 years ago and going good.She sees me as a woman

[Sometimes Chrissie]

It's very conservative in the US when it comes to marriage.  Poly amorous relationships are really frowned upon and divorces are often a blood bath. The Bible belt leads the nation in divorce and teen pregnancies. 

 

Apart from individuals that get legally separated, the statistical analysis is this:

1. st Marriages: 42-45% will dissolve with a divorce as the outcome.
2. nd Marriages: 60% will dissolve with a divorce as the outcome.
3. rd Marriages: 73% will dissolve with a divorce as the outcome.

If I were married to a libidinous woman and I had transitioned to my bi-gender self and my libido tanked or my sexual orientation changed, I would still want to be married if we were in love. I would want my wife to take on a surrogate for her sexual needs. But in my case, that won't be needed. My wife has very low libido. 

If I had her OK, I'd probably find a woman for sex but good luck with that. Funny thing is, while I am sexually attracted to females, I'm not comfortable around most of them. 

I think the perfect thing for folks like me and other cis males who can think logically and from a purely pragmatic perspective a libidinous trans female would be the perfect mate. What most men don't want is complications and grief. 

Love and sex are two different things but most people are to shallow or self-centered to understand that. 

Jealousy is an awful thing.

 

 

[Bri2020]

18 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

So not true. 55% of marriages stay intact so slightly over half.

 

 

Partially true- like many things: No really recent studies but in 2016 Transgender center for equality did a study and found that for couples who were younger (under 50) 55% had remained married at that point. In the over 50 crowd, that number dropped to 30%. +/-   I think younger generations aren't "locked" into binary relationships/attitudes as much as older people so the overall numbers should change with time.  However, there has been a huge surge in people coming out in the last 5-8 years and that may influence things. But getting back to the original thoughts, just like there are so many variables to gender and orientation, so too are there a lot of variables to relationships.

[Jackie C.]

2 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

Partially true- like many things: No really recent studies but in 2016 Transgender center for equality did a study and found that for couples who were younger (under 50) 55% had remained married at that point. In the over 50 crowd, that number dropped to 30%. +/-   I think younger generations aren't "locked" into binary relationships/attitudes as much as older people so the overall numbers should change with time.  However, there has been a huge surge in people coming out in the last 5-8 years and that may influence things. But getting back to the original thoughts, just like there are so many variables to gender and orientation, so too are there a lot of variables to relationships.

 

Very true, but in 2016, I was still 46 (Though I've been told I can pass for 38 NOW so IDK). ? Looks like I JUST skated in under the wire. Story of my life.

 

Anyway, yeah I could see that. Older couples seem to have more of a problem with expressing as half of a lesbian couple. I know that personally I could not deal if my spouse came out as FtM. I'm WAY too into women. I'd still love and support him, but it would have to be as friends. I'm just not attracted to men in a sexual way. Seriously, I can't even take the way they smell anymore.

I'd also feel TERRIBLE about that, but you love who you love.

 

Hugs!

[Charlize]

'The one thing i'm sure about is that every relationship is different.  Regardless of age or whether one is FTM orMTF transition brings stress into a relationship.  Compassion from both partners is necessary and as Jackie mentioned relationships change.  Maybe sexual attraction ends.  In my case because of age and health problems both of us have let that aspect of life go.  At the same time we are closer than ever and at peace with our lives.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Sometimes Chrissie]

This issue should be studied in depth and all the conjecture and theory should be looked at with a great deal of skepticism. 

 

For a spouse who finds out after many years of marriage that their mate is trans has to be a huge shock but I would think that many spouses of more than an inkling as to what's going on. 

 

Supposedly, Caitlin Jenner told Kris Jenner/Kardasian his/her situation. Caitlin claims her first wife knew it. I think the whole Kardasian mob and everything about them is depraved and I'm not a fan of Caitlin or Kris but I tend to believe Caitlin over Kris. 

 

 

Maybe Kris is pissed because Caitlyn is prettier? ?

[Guest]

It is a fascinating topic. In my head, I always envisioned my true self as a female, and as that female, I wanted to be married and have a husband. Walking around as a guy, no inclination towards gay men. I tried to hide my feelings. I thought if I met the right woman, I would be "normal" and never consider being a woman. I believe I could be wrong as I look at my pedicured feet. 

 

A number of years ago this guy came on to me. I was divorced at the time and vulnerable to the attention. I knew the guy because his partner used to work with me at an ER. This guy's partner died of a brain tumor. He asked me to lunch and he came across as a very sincere guy. I went to his home a few times and one night he asked me to stay. I told him I had to go to the bathroom and put on my PJs. I went in and put a nice PJ set, painted my toenails, put some really nice freesia scented lotion, and went out to the living room. He kissed me, I swooned, we made out a little. A week or so later I confessed my desires to be a woman, and that was that. He said his goodbyes, and told me he was not interested. I was sort of crushed. 

 

I still would love to have a relationship with a guy. If I were a woman and my husband told me he wanted to transition, I am not sure I could handle it. I know that may sound bad. We all have our mental construct of how we want a relationship and how we see ourselves within that construct. I hope this makes sense. I am sure there are many other views. There is an old saying that sums it up: "The heart wants what they heart wants."

Sincerely

Katie

[Guest]

I would also like to know who did Caitlyn Jenners facial feminization surgery and body work. 

Sincerely

Katie

[Jackie C.]

17 hours ago, Katie23 said:

I hope this makes sense.

 

Yeah, I've had this conversation in my head more than once. I'm gay as heck, and I'm not sure if I could handle my partner switching genders. I'm attracted to female secondary sexual characteristics and males... honestly repulse me. I couldn't tell you if that's my own internalized dysphoria or what. I'm a lesbian. I'm comfortable with that.

My fantasies were more along the lines of, "You treat your girlfriend nice or I will. I'll treat her so nice, she won't remember your name." It was always with a girl, but as a girl y'know?

 

No idea who did CJ's surgeries though. She's rich as heck though so I'd guess, "someone expensive."

 

Hugs!

[Sol]

I feel like I have odd views on the subject.

I like being more masculine, and presenting that way. But I don't have bottom dysphoria, so it's basically just me sans large breasts (sometimes they're smaller, sometimes they're gone, it varies). 

But I know I'm attracted to more masculine traits, but it's more... strength based? I'm not attracted to people that are super skinny, or even supermodel skinny or anything, even though I do think they look nice. I like broad shoulders, broader chests, basically anyone who can pick me up and throw me like a rag doll (while not actually throwing me). That reads as more masculine to me, but that being said, if a woman with broad shoulders wanted to rock my world, I definitely wouldn't say no.

But sex and romance aren't really for me. I like the idea of them, but actually getting in one? Not really. They make me anxious and the feelings tend to fade pretty quick from there. This is largely the reason that I identify as aro/ace, because I don't really have the urge to do any of those things. 

The idea is nice, but in practice, not really. I do have fantasies, though, but they're more along the lines of "disgustingly sappy." I just want to cuddle on the couch or in bed with some nice fairy lights the only thing illuminating the room while I doze on my partner's chest. Maybe some tender kisses too. But that's kind of it.

I'm a closet romantic, sue me. But don't tell anybody, I have a reputation to uphold.