Lots of very confusing thoughts

[Mika]

Hi lovely people

So, I'm pretty nervous to post this, and what the responses might say, but I have a lot on my mind right now that I need to talk about. I'm probably genderfluid: I identify somewhere between female and no gender at all (but always somewhere between those two, and never 100% on one end). In moments I feel more towards the agender side of myself, I don't have too much of a problem of taking myself seriously (still a lot of anxiety going on though). But when I feel more close to being a woman, I feel like I'm making all that stuff up. And I keep asking myself how it is possible to not fit into the binary (even though I can totally see it for other people). I feel like a giant impostor not only in the cis-world but also the trans-/nonbinary-world.

I'm at the beginning of a long journey, and I have a lot of fear where it will lead me. If I will get a name change, or maybe even surgery (I know, I'm thinking too far ahead), and what will that do to my life as a whole and also my relationship? I love my girlfriend, and she is very supportive, but has a panic disorder, and lots of hardcore anxiety issues. I came out as nonbinary to her, and she is proud of me, but she is also scared that one day I might feel she doesn't understand me enough. And that makes me scared too, that me pursuing my self-reflection might have a negative impact on us. Also: what if I figure out that I don't want to be seen as a woman, but society still is sh*t? I just hope things will change, but the current political climate in Austria doesn't really make me too hopeful. It's hard enough to go through the world as a non-heterosexual person, but still a lot easier to deal with than not fitting in the gender "norm".

I'm also struggling with pronouns because in my language (German) we don't have genderneutral ones and I'd probably identify most with she/they. There are "made up" pronouns, which feel a little weird to use for myself (I know that all language is kind of made up, but still).

I'm also not sure if I'm experiencing body dysphoria regarding my breasts. I've always felt weird about them, but I thought it was more of a problematic relationship to sexuality. Now I'm not so sure anymore.

The following paragraph is a little complicated I think, so sorry in advance.

In my language we also use a "gender star": We don't have gender neutral terms for many words (like the female version of "teacher" would be "Lehrerin", and the male one would be "Lehrer". The * will be used to connect those and include people which are neither female nor male -> "Lehrer*in"), and I have asked my therapist to use this when she adresses me in a text. Today I got a message from her, and she used it for the first time, but I can't exactly say if it made me feel good or bad or anything at all.

Overall I'm just feeling weird and confused and really overwhelmed right now, and would really love to find a way to calm myself down a bit. I should also be using my brain cells for studying right now, but it seems impossible.

Thank you for reading this.

Mika

[Mika]

I also failed to mention that I'm AFAB and very female presenting, which makes things more confusing for me, because there is hardly any representation. I didn't know for a long time that you can be nonbinary and present female as an AFAB.

Also, I've always had a weird fascination with female presenting people, that hat names that were gender-neutral (like Harper), or even usually used for men (like Charlie), which I don't think is a coincidence.

[Sally Stone]

On 9/29/2021 at 7:37 AM, Mika said:

Overall I'm just feeling weird and confused and really overwhelmed right now, and would really love to find a way to calm myself down a bit.

Mika, let me assure you that you are not weird.  For those of us who are not binary, coming to grips with who we are from a gender perspective is difficult at best. I think it is because our society places so much pressure on us to be binary.  I found some inner peace when I stopped trying to measure myself against society's measuring stick.  Turns out, that measuring stick didn't work for me.   I reduced my anxiety a great deal by trying to come to grips with my gender without using the backdrop of societal "norms" as a benchmark.  Instead, I used what makes me feel complete and comfortable as my benchmark.  After all, isn't that really what matters?  Good luck and don't feel pressured to find all your answers immediately.  Understanding who you are can sometimes take a while.  

[Vidanjali]

Hi @Mika. Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here. I'm afab and nonbinary. In retrospect I believe I always knew it, but lacked the knowledge such a thing even existed until just a few years ago. I'm 46 years old now and have been coming to discover my gender identity only recently. The fact that you're confused and conflicted is totally understandable. Nonbinary gender is not widely understood and one can feel isolated when experiencing such feelings. Know you do not need any special qualifications to validate how you experience gender. That is, there's no one size fits all expression of nonbinary. That imposter feeling may be mitigated by considering Sally's statement - use what makes you feel comfortable and complete as a benchmark. I'm going to take that to heart too. Thanks, @Sally Stone.  Try to avoid a "not this enough, not that enough" type mindset about yourself. 

 

Based on what you wrote, I suspect the fact that your girlfriend is concerned you may eventually feel she doesn't understand you comes more from her insecurities about her self-worth and how you see her than anything else. Note, it would be a different matter if she said "I'm worried eventually I won't understand you." Her worry is about your perception of her, not the other way around. So, I think as long as you two maintain excellent communication, you can travel this journey of your discovery of gender together. 

 

I was just talking with some friends the other day about gendered languages. I learned that Finnish is one of the least gendered languages in the world, and I read that some European nonbinary folks have been adopting ungendered Finnish pronouns. Just a thought. I am fascinated to learn about the gender star, and I like the phrase because it implies something that shines brightly. ? Please keep in touch and share your thoughts and ask questions. This is a very loving and supportive community. 

[Heather Shay]

@Mika welcome - I know you'll enjoy it here - you've already seen but a few of the amazing people here with the responses so far.

[Confused1]

Hi @Mika I also welcome you to Transpulse. I have to agree with what @Vidanjaliand Sally said above. I am AMAB and struggled with where I was on the gender spectrum for awhile myself. I initially felt out of place and isolated, but some amazing people have made me feel right at home.

 

When I started talking to my wife about my gender, she had all kinds of emotions. I didn't understand it for awhile, but some of it was because she worried my orientation would change when I had GCS and that I might want to leave her. It caused some arguments I didn't understand at the time, but we are now closer than ever.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[Sol]

Hi Mika! I'm questioning too, and I totally get what you're feeling. I can't really say much in terms of how to help, because I really don't know. I would say that just keep communication open between you and your girlfriend, and you two sound very supportive of each other, so I think you'll do great! The gender star was also a fun thing that I didn't know, so thank you for helping me learn something new. The answers are out there, and it's probably gonna be hard to figure out where to go. I sure as heck don't know where I'm heading. But we're not alone, and that's the important part.