Dysphoria or just worrying for no reason

[Guest]

Where do I start? I was the boy who played Wonder Woman and loved Annie (A fact that various members of my family have stated was embarrassing.), didn't like to take his shirt off in public, went to the bathroom sitting down and having a high pitched voice. I grew up being asked by strangers if I was a boy or a girl. More than once at work as a teenager. For whatever reason my voice never changed. I actually had a guy take me to the side in high school and put his arm around me and ask if I had been with a real man. I assume he thought I was a girl dressing as a guy. I don't recall a time in my life men weren't simultaneously being put me down, pawing me and when alone hitting on me. 

 

I was always believing that it was just my voice. Except, perhaps they saw something I didn't or perhaps didn't want to see. I came out as gay at 19. However, my boyfriends were more bisexual who liked my rather outward androgynous appearance. When I say androgynous, I am not referring to how I dressed or anything, simply my thin smaller frame, voice and presumably personality. I had never really thought about this until recently, even though I clearly liked that these men treated me as more their girlfriend than their boyfriend.

 

I have never fit in with other men. I frequently refer to other men as separate from myself. Something family has pointed out to me at various times. I know my coworkers at work actually think I'm trans. Amusingly, FtoM. I found out about this when my boss was curious why I was seeing an Endocrinologist and another worker was asking my opinion (specifically seeking me out I might add.)on how to handle a boss he had in his second job harassing a transman who just started transitioning. He wanted to know if he should report her for her behavior. (Bless him.) 

 

I spent my life trying to prove to the world I was a man, but now I'm not sure at all. I know you've all heard this story a hundred times before. I really am in danger of turning into a walking cliche at this point. Have I finally lost it? I have no where I am going with all this and feel rather alone. I usually love being alone, but this is different. 

 

Anyway, I babbled on long enough. Thank you for giving me your time.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the forums, it is your story, but it is a lot like many many of us have faced.  Make yourself part of the crowd by contributing to things here, and I hope you find a way for you to go.

[stveee]

On 10/1/2021 at 6:25 PM, Jamie73 said:

 

 

I spent my life trying to prove to the world I was a man, but now I'm not sure at all. I know you've all heard this story a hundred times before. I really am in danger of turning into a walking cliche at this point. Have I finally lost it? I have no where I am going with all this and feel rather alone. I usually love being alone, but this is different. 

 

Yep, I can relate. I been able to feel comfy alone in life but as far as "this" goes, I am as vulnerable as I ever been. A part of this is the learning of actual intimacy, giving and getting support, and reciprocation from a place of honesty and openness instead of a role or mask. I was able to walk through life, even engage in relationships without even actually being present.

I hope you stick around and continue with your journey.

[Delcina B]

Welcome @Jamie73 ! Glad you're here! Maybe instead of wondering if you've finally lost, you are on the path to find it. There's a good book written by Dara Hoffman Fox you might enjoy called You & Your Gender Identity (they read it on YouTube as well). It's helped me on my journey; it's a workbook to explore your gender, guess the title kinda gives it away. I think you'll find the loving support, advice & acceptance here as helpful as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Guest]

Thank you to everyone for hearing my rant. I will look into the workbook you recommended @Delcina B.