Worried about costs of transitioning

[Deanna Celia M]

I read a post on Quora where a transwoman said she waited 20 years to transition until she had a good income to afford it.

 

I know there are a lot of surgeries and procedures one can have. I am getting the impression insurance probably does not cover most of them.

 

I have found a gender therapist who I can see virtually for free once a week with my insurance, which is great. I think I should be covered for hormones with a copay. Not 100% sure.

 

But people have said they went broke transitioning.

I have a family. My wife has not worked steadily for years due to watching our daughter and more recently various health issues real and imagined (I'm not trying to be petty but she manages to volunteer and get out keep & busy at things she enjoys but part-time jobs have never been among them). We have a lot of debt already due to some very tight years. We're paying $470 a month on a consolidation loan for prior debt that has 3 yrs to go, but that's just part of it, there's current credit cards, a new roof that was financed... My wife has always just regarded this as my/ "the man's" issue to deal with... Ughh I promised myself I wouldn't get started on that... I know the resentment is clear.

 

We're not starving or anything, my sole income is still good, the bills get paid and no one's lacking for anything needed... But I don't want to risk everything and put my family out in the streets. I am very close to my young daughter and want her to have a good life. I've already been frustrated that she can't have things many of her friends with two income families have. Two incomes... Or perhaps one daddy who is more "alpha" and makes the big bucks. Not one who feels like a girl inside.

 

But I'm 50, will be 51 in January. My parents both died before age 65. If I put this (possible transition) off now I'm done for good. 

 

But will it cost too much?

 

Hormones will be needed if I go forward, of course. For me, anyway.

And my hair is pretty much toast. I've been growing it out, it's long and thick in back, but in front, testosterone has taken its toll. No manner of punky hairstyle would hide the telltale male pattern baldness. I'm going to need a wig at least, I expect a decent one is not cheap, you can't just buy it for 10 bucks at Spirit Halloween.

 

Hair removal at $90 an hour? Not covered by insurance? I don't think that's going to happen. Maybe I could get one of those laser hair removal things for home? 

 

No idea if insurance would cover surgeries at all...Probably consider cosmetic and don't? Even if they do my deductible is high. But that would be better than no coverage I guess.

 

I wish I'd won the Powerball, I'd get it ALL done. But I didn't. I don't hold it against the trans youtubers who talk about all the procedures they have done but I think many of them are either quite affluent or from progressive countries where trans procedures are covered under national medical systems.

I know there are a lot of trans people who aren't rich and aren't lucky to be citizens of those countries that will pay for AAA transitions. What do they do?  

 

Sorry in an emotional doubting depressed mood.--Deanna

[VickySGV]

Living in Pennsylvania, you are close to two very competent surgeons and other physicians and they have counseling sources a-plenty as well.  I might somewhat wryly suggest that they also have marriage counselors in that crowd too.  If you are nearing five one, I am going to say that your parents dying in their early 60's may not be as crucial a factor if you are taking good care of your present health.  I had my GCS 8.5 years ago at age 65 and because insurance did not cover my surgery then, and when I changed my name I found it a good time to re-finance my house and found the money for that there.  I have not had any great degree of beard removal done since mine was pretty light and sparse, unlike my dad and brothers had been, even before HRT but I am content with what I have.  As you work with your therapist, you may find out you will not need the whole package from the Transition Special Catalog & Checklist (which does not exist) and you will still be able to do what and when you need to for you.  Therapy will help you establish the base cost that you will need to deal with.  My HMO has kept my meds at the $15 / 90day, but for basic E, you are not looking at much more that way out of pocket if those are your only meds.  Back to the therapist, you can figure and find out what even your employer is going to "cost" you in terms of loss of employment or mental stress in other ways.  Whatever you do, it is one step at a time YOUR WAY and you will find yourself happy and authentic

[Deanna Celia M]

Vicky thank you I hope I can do this. 

 

I don't know about marriage counseling, in the past my wife sent me alone for therapy when we had issues. She's refused all suggestions of therapy individual or couples.  She likes to say both me and my niece who lives with us are "whackadoodle" and she is normal and needs no therapy.

 

I am thinking about approaching the pastor at our church. I have barely gone to the church, I'm not a believer, but my wife is involved in the women's group as one of her activities, the church is LGBTQ+ friendly and the pastor is a gay man married to another man... Maybe I can get him on my side and we can talk to him as a couple later on if I am transitioning? He seems like a nice guy but honestly I don't know him well. My wife is not the most progressive person so I'm not even sure why she picked the church to join when we moved here... Though they had a different pastor when she did.

 

I am hoping I don't have to worry much about work. I work from home (thanks pandemic for showing my employer that was cost effective!) and my employer is in NJ and has a strong anti-trans discrimination policy in our employee handbook. Does that mean there won't be issues? No. But it's still a reassuring degree of protection.

[Delcina B]

@Deanna Celia M Vicky's advice of one step at a time my way has worked & I find myself happy & authentic most of the time on my gender journey. I set a goal of moving along the transition spectrum only as far as I needed to be comfortable as me. I don't know where that will end up. Are there things I would do now if I had a money tree, sure what girl doesn't, or guy for that matter. It took me a long time to come to accept my femme, it is nice being able to do so today & love myself for who I am.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Charlize]

Deanna i remember being overwhelmed as i thought of all the hurdles to cross to simply live as myself.  Fortunately at 63 i started the serious journey towards self.  I've found that i'm content with simply living as myself day by day.  In time i did start HRT and had a relatively small surgery.  The result is that the last 10 years have been my most peaceful.  Bit by bit and day by day i'm living my dream.  It wasn't easy but each step led to another and soon vast changes had happened.  Oddly regardless i'm still the same person, simply happier than i've ever been.

Don't get too discouraged.  I found help here perhaps because i knew i wasn't alone.  Seeing my brothers and sisters get through rough spots helped me do the same.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Deanna Celia M]

 

11 hours ago, Delcina B said:

@Deanna Celia M Vicky's advice of one step at a time my way has worked & I find myself happy & authentic most of the time on my gender journey. I set a goal of moving along the transition spectrum only as far as I needed to be comfortable as me. I don't know where that will end up. Are there things I would do now if I had a money tree, sure what girl doesn't, or guy for that matter. It took me a long time to come to accept my femme, it is nice being able to do so today & love myself for who I am.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

Delcina, thank you! I think maybe it's just because my egg just cracked recently I'm letting myself get overwhelmed with every possibility and cost/drawback. Thanks for reminding me to just breathe and slow down. That's so very helpful!! 

[Deanna Celia M]

11 hours ago, Charlize said:

Bit by bit and day by day i'm living my dream.  It wasn't easy but each step led to another and soon vast changes had happened.

Charlize, that's reassuring. I think maybe I'm worried this will slip away somehow if I'm not "ready" in one of so many ways ASAP.