Idk how to title this but here is an introduction of myself :) :P

[MaybeImSkylar]

Hello all,

English is not my first language but I lived in the Uk for 4 year which I think it helped with my oral speech yet my writing needs some work thus excuse my grammar. As well as, I am learning all the terms to articulate myself better regarding topic os sexuality and gender identity so please don't butcher me hahaha

Anyhow, joining this side feels a bit overwhelming but also eye opening to different cases or issues that each indeviudual is battling. I am dealing with an identity crisis at the moment which I am happy about but stressed at the same time. 

 

What I mean I always felt an outcast and different growing up and I know I am still 22 and I have more growing to do I know; although inside of me I always felt attracted to the same safe as the same time as the opposite too. When I was 14 (I think) it was around the time we started high school and is when I realized that women turn me on and that's when I met someon called Daggi with the pronouns He/Him. I caught myself being attracted to him but also he knew about my struggling with coming out and finding out what I am. BUT... he kind made it difficult as in turning lesbian or bisexual there is no turning back which at that time sounded scary but also overwhelming. I grew up in a very close minded society which being gay its a stigma in some way and spotting someone who is homosexual had a specific outlook. Which is a stereotype but back then I knew nothing. I know expirimenting and figure yourself out takes time,self reflection and being gentle with yourself but then I didnt know that.  Which is my next point...

 

A 15 year old girl that was trying to figure herself out that expirirmented in closed doors with more androgynous clothes ( like wearing long t-shirts and baggy trousers, hats) ( I was trying have a Justin Bieber vibes, I kinda failed hahha ). I really didn't like the way I looked when I tried that but also the fact that I was wearing jeans, I associated it with the school uniform and how I can seem to fit in with the rest of the kids but because I felt like a big monster that doesn't look feminen. I always tried to be more girly but also buy things that are different and fun at the same time, because I thought they were cool and other kids will think they willl be cool. BUT NO!!! Never seem to fit in, ruin my hair and put on make up and I was doing everythin so I can get the attention of the male gaze. 

 

Fast forward to now, I feel I am more than what I was asign to birth. Whenever I am around girls this passed 2 years I tend to have more mascular vibes which bring more questions of what is masculant and what is machismo like toxic.  When I hold hands with girls I feel I am not a woman, I feel I am a boyfriend with a woman's reproductive system. I started wearing more baggy clothes and hide my body ( and thats for several reasons but the identity is one of them). I am so confused. I shaved my head which helped with the clothing bit and I seems to find myself be more interested in more androgynous looks. I dont know what is going on. There are more things to untackle but how can I be more okay with these type of clothes where in the passed brought be a lot of of uncomfortable feeling. I do still have moments when I get disphoria of what the heck am I doing here and I look ugly ; I will get moments where I will wear dresses and skirts and I will catch myself feel ugly. that was even witht he short or long hair that I have. 

 

I was looking for gender neutural names but I keep thinking about the male part of me, like I wanted to be seen as a man and not a woman. BUT the idea of bottom surgery scares me and I dont find that attractive for myself or sometimes with cis-men... basically more recently. My mom thinks that this is a rection to something bigger but also with my sexuality because I got so many disappointments by cis-men which I think thats homophobic. 

 

Funny thing this is a brief introduction of myself and there are more stories that I would like to share. I am looking forwards to see peoples feedback as I am desperate.  

 

Thank you for reading beautiful people xx ??

[Heather Shay]

@MaybeImSkylar Your English is quite good for it not being a first language. Thank you for joining us and I believe you will find wonderful people here, many with similar backgrounds and experiences. Feel free to look around and I believe you'll see many answers to your postings and friends you will come to know and cherish.

Heather

[MaybeImSkylar]

Hello Heather

Thank you for your reply and your welcome ?

[Delcina B]

Welcome @MaybeImSkylar ! I'm glad you found the forum. I've found it to be a wonderful place with people who give loving support, advice & acceptance. I think you will too. You might find a gender therapist helpful, I know mine has helped me. A book called You & Your Gender Identity by Dara Hoffman Fox is another great way to explore your gender. They read it on YouTube also. I hope you enjoy your journey exploring your gender. Oh, your English seems fine to me.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[MaybeImSkylar]

13 hours ago, Delcina B said:

Welcome @MaybeImSkylar ! I'm glad you found the forum. I've found it to be a wonderful place with people who give loving support, advice & acceptance. I think you will too. You might find a gender therapist helpful, I know mine has helped me. A book called You & Your Gender Identity by Dara Hoffman Fox is another great way to explore your gender. They read it on YouTube also. I hope you enjoy your journey exploring your gender. Oh, your English seems fine to me.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

 

Hey Delcina, that is a wonderful name and very unique I wonder what it means. Thank you for your support and kind words. I will check those feedback, they seem quite in my ally hahhaa ?. Also how different is a clinical therapist with a gender therapist? 

[Delcina B]

@MaybeImSkylar Thanks, Delcina means sweet ?. A gender therapist is specialized in gender issues & helpful in diagnosing & working on gender dysphoria. Often local LGBTQ organizations will list doctors & therapists who provide services in an area. There are several people on here on the forum  from the UK who may be able to point you in the right direction.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[MaybeImSkylar]

3 hours ago, Delcina B said:

@MaybeImSkylar Thanks, Delcina means sweet ?. A gender therapist is specialized in gender issues & helpful in diagnosing & working on gender dysphoria. Often local LGBTQ organizations will list doctors & therapists who provide services in an area. There are several people on here on the forum  from the UK who may be able to point you in the right direction.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

You are welcome, that is awesome I love your name. The one I was assign to birth means light as well.  Thank you again for the tip, I was trying to find something on here and I am stil figure this forum out. I hope you have a good day ?