Some Stuff In My Life. >.>

[EVAN_DESU]

Hey, all!

This is in the introductions forum, but hey, who cares! just pretend like you don't know me

Hmmm...My life... *le sad*

I've had to deal with a lot of stuff in my life that I wish I couldn't remember, but sadly like most people, the thoughts of 'em just stay in my heart and mind all the time.

I had a normal childhood and was quite happy being a girl, all was normal. In school I was very shy in the classroom setting of things, and I guess just shy in general. I remember in Elementary everyone used to ask me what was wrong, because I always had a sad face, I didn't realize it though.

When I was about 7 or 8 my friend and I were you know, checkin' things out. >.> And we got caught, which was so humiliating, and I don't really remember if I ever saw her again.

In 5th grade some stuff happened, with who I thought was my best friend, some stuff I'm not very comfortable discussing. Anyways, it turns out I go to school soon after and I start getting called "lesbian" and "rapist" and everything like that, for the next year and a half, I was called names constantly, lost friends, got picked on, threatened, things thrown at me, etc. I was so upset and I just hated everything.

Then the next big thing that I had to deal with (which seems nothing to me now, really) knowibng I was bisexual at the age of 10, and I believe I subconciously knew it before that. Everyone always thought it was a big deal, and once again, I lost more friends. Through six grade rumors spread that I was bisexual and surpisingly, people didn't leave me this time, though I was still not fully out of the closet to all my friends and other people, though in the begining of 7th grade, I was. Also, in 6th grade I found "visual kei" and took a liking too it and really started kinda thinking "well, if he wears make up, and kind of looks like a girl, and i want to look like him, is that weird???" I've always said over and over again that I wanted to look like certain Japanese rock stars in the visual or oshare kei scene, but never really deeply looked into what I felt til about two years later.

I had my first girlfriend in 7th grade, well, she wasn't really a girlfriend I suppose, just a girl I thought was kinda cute, we made out for a couple weeks, and it was over. But anyways, she'd always kiss me when people could see and I got the most disgusting looks, but I didn't care, and still don't, I was just wondering what was going through her mind. I was also dealing with more confusion about gender. This time actually saying to myself "I want a mans body, I need a mans body, I'm tired of living like this." to myself, but it scared me, so I ignored it over and over again, and actually, the thoughts didseem to go away for a while, well, about a little over a year.

The summer before 8th grade was great, yet very sad for me.

My best friend and I were always laughing and hangin out. Then one night, I told her that I was in love with her, and I swear to god, to date , that had to be the worst pain I've ever felt, I cried for weeks, and was emotionless for days, because I was so afraid I was going to lose (next to my mom and dad, blah blah blah) the most important person in my life, and I didn't, but no matter how much she told me nothing would change, I could not keep from crying, I just don't know why. A little before that I was also dealing with thinking I had a double personality, thinking I was going crazy because I still kind of wanted to be a guy. December 2008 was very hard for me, I had just turned 14 on the 3rd and almost at christmas time, it finally hit me when I was playing on an online virtual chat (imvu) I always wanted to play as a male character in most of cool games, I just thought being a female character was stupid and boring, and then I really, really thought about it. "Okay, I'm sick of this, it won't go away, so it must mean something...Do I really want a males body? Do I really hate having breasts and a vagina? Do I really want to be seen as male? What?" Then slowly, one by one, answered yes to them. I was so scared, I thought I was a freak, and as the months went on it became all I could think about, soon every young handsome male I saw, I hated, because I couldn't be them, and now, I am still a little confused.

There are instances when I want to be a girl, but there aren't many, hardly, and for the stupidest reasons.

"I wanna be a girl so I can marry a nice asian man, move to south korea, have a family and live in a sparkly little town of rainbows and butterflys and live happily ever after," Seriously, like that's going to happen. I think I just hate how some girls look so beautiful, and while I'm living in a females body, I can't, and that's when I questioned myself again, "If I was such a beautiful looking girl, would I still want to be a man?" And again, I answered yes, though I sometimes feel different, I answered yes.

And I'm kind of mad I wrote this, because now it is making me really confused. 0__0

[Guest Leigh]

ahh...life.

it throws us ups and downs.

and now you're starting to figure stuff out, which only makes it more confusing (why is that??)

sorry middle school sucked so much. i don't know why kids can be so brutal...

oh, and i LOL'd at the "marry a nice asian man, move to south korea, have a family and live in a sparkly little town of rainbows and butterflys and live happily ever after"

ah..we all have those moments to some degree....

but, hey, we could BUILD a town full of butterflies, and plan it so that it's in a geographic area that has lots of sun and rain so our chances for rainbows are increased......

yeah...anyway, thanks for sharing your story with us.

peace&love

leigh

[Guest Neuro]

Your story is amazing, Misaki-kun. Especially in our youth, it is about finding ourselves out--very few (if any) people are ever 100% sure of who or what they are before adulthood. Even through adulthood!

The most important thing to remember is that YOU are the one who's opinion is most important. Don't let anyone--whether it be parents, priests, or even us at Laura's--tell you who you are or are not. Your opinion of yourself is most important.

Sometimes it's hard to know what that answer is, though. Those moments of questioning and doubt. Talking to someone about it helps, but if you cannot find a councilor under the Evils of Insurance then there might be someone on here or at school who could. (I wish I could, but I'm not very good at that kind of thing)

Sometimes an outside ear can help you sift through the confusion and put things together. But remember if that outside ear is making you feel bad or stupid (like my bad therapist did) do not talk to them again.

I wish I could say "Talk to your parents," but it's a sad fact that parents are usually VERY opinionated. Even if they WANT to help kindly, they'll end up trying to make you believe you are 100% this or that, when it is your decision.

Your coming to terms with many things, sounds very familiar (to my coming to terms)! It is scary, but once we are honest with ourselves; it is the only thing that matters! We DO have to live with ourselves every day, huh?

--Michael

[EVAN_DESU]

Ah thank you guys for actually reading this, even though there are things I left out due to not wanting to go on and on about things, but oh well.

Sometimes I wish I could just keep my mouth shut and not tell anybody anything, because in the end it's whats in my brian and what I feel, so why should I consult other people about it if I'm going to change or something like that. >.<

Ughh, I make no sense. >.<

[Guest CharlieRose]

oh, and i LOL'd at the "marry a nice asian man, move to south korea, have a family and live in a sparkly little town of rainbows and butterflys and live happily ever after"

ah..we all have those moments to some degree....

but, hey, we could BUILD a town full of butterflies, and plan it so that it's in a geographic area that has lots of sun and rain so our chances for rainbows are increased......

And hey, who says you can't do that as a man? In fact, I think the possibility of that may be increased by transitioning. At least the rainbows and butterflies.

<--- Is on the ridiculously homosexual side of bisexual. (and feeling slightly random today)

Reading your post, middle school sucks a lot, doesn't sound like yours was a picnic in particular, but hey! Here's one thing you're lucky for: I doubt any one of your peers is as mature as you are. Like majorly. My little sister's about a year younger than you, and, well, she still has a bit to do as far as maturity goes, but the way you express yourself, you're like one of us. And though I'm not that much older than you, I think that's one of those qualities that's just... inherently good and points toward success. Self-awareness goes hand in hand with confidence and general self-actualization, I've noticed.

And don't feel bad about expressing your feelings. Did you happen to see those feelings I expressed all over the teen section a few days ago? *is still slightly embarrassed, too* But that's what Laura's is here for! And it really does help. We're all helping each other! Talk all you want.

I'm going to have a rootbeer! Want one?