Who Am I, Really?

[Amber76]

My whole life I wished to be female. Believing it impossible clouded everything I experienced. I worked around my shameful secret, hiding from people, just surviving from year to year

 

I made decisions. I built a life. A very unhappy life for the most part, but outwardly surviving and maybe even thriving in the viewpoint of people who didn't know better. Which includes most who know me

 

I let people trample my boundaries because what did my boundaries matter? I couldn't really have the thing I wanted most in life. I followed paths laid out for me because all were the same, at best second choice

 

Now I understand that my dream may have been achievable all along, and it's definitely become more socially acceptable along the way. It's at a point now where I could realistically live that dream and start doing it immediately

 

Where I am in my self healing is to try to be my authentic self. I'm not worried about labels yet or making changes, I'm just trying to understand who I am inside. And who I want to be.

 

But I'm totally stuck, weighed down by all the years of Shame and fear yes, but also by the fact that I have built a life as a male. That is my identity now. Even if it never should have been. Even if it doesn't have to be tomorrow. When my therapist talks about healing the little girl within I chafe at that - not just for the imposter syndrome which I surely feel, but for the fact that I never could embrace being a girl.

 

Maybe I'm mourning the fact that while I can be a female I can't be a cis female. That even if I embrace being female from now for the rest of my life that there is still a core that will always be male. Even if that boy heated the fibers of his being that he had to learn to live with

 

I already know, working with my therapist, I'm trying to mourn all the lost years as it is. But I guess I'm trying to reconcile also who it is I can become. Realistically who this new authentic self can be not if she would have been born female, but who she can become based on where she came from before now

 

I want to take the best parts of me, to the extent I can find them. I want to take the parts of myself that feel authentic. I'm just not sure how I want that to interact with my life - am I truly at this point transgendered? Do I realistically want something that's more like gender fluid? If I could go back in time and label myself at the age of six as transgendered I would absolutely do so. But now, 45 years later?

 

I admire all you strong men and women who have embraced the authentic you that you knew yourself to be. Any advice you can offer me to help me do the same would go a very long way.

 

Thank you all

 

[Mmindy]

@Amber76It's as if you wrote my own story. Now that I'm on Medicare, and no longer tied to my wife's christian based insurance, "Who Am I, Really?" Hits a cord with me, and how I proceed.

 

Hugs, and I look forward to everyone's input as much as you did when you wrote this.

 

Thank you,

 

Mindy??️‍⚧️?

[Heather Shay]

@Amber76 I also hear many echoes in my life. 

Hugs,

Heather

[Amber76]

Hugs to you both as you find your own answers. At least it helps to know we're struggling with similar issues.

[Mmindy]

2 hours ago, Amber76 said:

it helps to know we're struggling with similar issues.

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[Sol]

Having an identity that conflicts with your birth sex is always hard, and in a lot of ways. Connecting with other people like you is hard to do, it's hard to get family to understand, and even strangers suddenly seem to get an invitation to judge your life. It's not beautiful, but it's messy and it's real. 

Embracing who you are is difficult because everyone always has these ideas of what you should be and do that they inevitably push onto you, and it's hard separating their ideals from what you actually want. And then there are evident truths that we all have to deal with, which is like you said, "I can be a female I can't be a cis female." I'll never be a cis male, even if I'm starting to become more confident that I'm a guy, and that kinda sucks! And I get the feeling that I'm an impostor because I don't have dysphoria about certain things, or have bad dysphoria, or didn't take the time to actually think about what gender meant to me. 

But I'm not, and you aren't either. To quote @Vidanjali, "suffering does not make you a more valid trans person, and not suffering does not make you an impostor." Likewise, not suffering doesn't make you a more valid trans person, and suffering doesn't make you an impostor. There's no scientific method when it comes to being trans, and everyone is different on what works for them. It can be hard to accept something you've repressed for so long because of shame and fear, and it's going to be a long process. Acceptance is not linear, and there will be good days and bad days. 

The most important part is the hardest; just be yourself. Find out what you like. Try out that new recipe you wanted to try. Take up yoga. Quit eating meat. Do whatever makes you happy, because it's about you. This is your story and your journey, and you get to decide what dragons to tackle. 

So, really, there's no cut and dry answer. What I've found helpful is just taking the time to think about what I want. It might help to pull back the curtain a little further. If you're transgender, or if you're genderfluid, that's all up to you. Nobody else can make that call. Look at what you're comfortable with and trust yourself. 

And really, the only place to go from here is up.

And remember, it'll be okay.

[stveee]

@Amber76 Hun, I REALLY appreciate you putting it all out there like that. It takes a lot of courage. You may not even realize the amount of hard work you are doing right now...Really.

Important. Digging down deep inside inquiry. 

Just think about that, and look at that for a minute. Just consider how that really reflects how much self-love you are practicing in this effort of asking those hard questions and trying to find healing and your truth.

You are stronger, more beautiful and more courageous than you probably realize. 

 

[Amber76]

?? @stveee I'm sitting here in incredible pain not knowing what to do with myself. Thank you. I honestly don't believe a thing this moment but your words, I know, sell stick with me tomorrow 

 

@Sol your words touched me so much, thank you. I saw @Vidanjali's wise advice which just keeps growing every time I read it, but your outreach to me was especially touching somehow. It doesn't stop the suffering I'm feeling right now, but it helps keep from some sick need to keep that suffering going

 

It's just all so scary but knowing you all are out here really helps

[Vidanjali]

@Amber76I thought what you wrote was beautiful because you have expressed so much. You are feeling so much. It doesn't all feel good, but you are feeling it. You mention feeling stuck by shame and fear. But what I see from you is courage. You are facing it. You aspire to be free. Do not despair. You are not stuck although it feels that way. Chafing at healing the little girl within - there is clearly a part of you who is responsible and reliable, a powerful protector. Is she a mother? Could she help you reach out to that lost girl? Could she soothe the self-loathing of the boy who was forced into being? Can she hold you when you feel lost, and direct you to self-care? She is a part of you, a bona-fide boss, who is yet deeply tender and compassionate. When you feel shame, it's not because you're shameful. It's a defense mechanism because you spent so much of your life believing yourself to be fundamentally wrong. It sounds like you're at the point where you no longer believe that, at least intellectually. But it'll take time and practice to smooth out that old, ingrained belief. You are doing it! Be patient. Believe in yourself. You have everything you need inside you, and it will come because you are determined. 

[Davie]

@Amber76@Vidanjali@Heather Shay and all of you on this thread. Some great shares of experience and wisdom here. It all helps me find who I am really. Thanks so much.

hugs,

Davie

[Amber76]

@Vidanjalithank you, your words moved me to tears. It's so hard to know if your making headway when it's two steps forward, one step back in the best of months. Only prospective from an outside point helps you to gauge

 

And thank you all for the support. You didn't really help me find any answers LOL but I'm just feeling the love and the people in my corner is huge

[Charlize]

Amber,  When i came here one of the moderators back then wrote "i've got your back".  Maybe i didn't understand then but over time i've found that benefit of knowing i'm not alone on this journey.  It is more than getting advice on a wardrobe or hairstyle.  Instead knowing others have moved through the pain, fear and shame to find another life shows me a way.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Amber76]

Thank you @Charlize it's incredibly comforting finding the folks here who really do have each other's backs

 

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