another update from audrey!

[Audrey]

Hi everyone!

 

It has been such long time since I was at TP! I hope you all are doing fabulous this holiday season. ❤️

 

I am delighted to share in my update today that I am doing very well, never better really! I am including some recent pics with my update. I am a year into HRT and electrolysis at this point, and am fully out in all the circles of my life - family, friends, colleagues, clients, and just in everyday life. No "boy mode" anymore. Making many new friends as well who only know Audrey! The love and support from everyone has been truly amazing, and removed any doubts I might have had about coming out or transitioning! Dead naming and misgendering are becoming increasingly rare, but more jarring when they do happen. Clocking is also becoming rarer too, which is also wonderful but also means I have to be careful about getting into situations where being clocked could be dangerous... like men flirting with me! I am very excited that I will have my court date to legally change my name in January after a very long pandemic-related delay. I cannot wait to change my IDs and other documents especially because here in NYC I have to present my ID and vaccine card to eat in restaurants.

 

All of that said, I am sad to share that my stepfather passed away in October after a long battle with heart failure and dementia. This led to an unfortunately difficult situation between my mother and I. She told me I would need to attend the upcoming funeral "as dead name" and that I would be included in the obituary under my dead name. I said that would not happen and it became a thing between us for a few weeks. Eventually I told her that I was trying to be emotionally available and supportive of her in her grief, but that it felt like she was pushing me away with her insistence. We worked it out and are in a better place now, but I think she is struggling more with my transition than she lets on.

 

It is nice to be back but I am not sure how much I will post! But, I will be honest, I really came back to break the holiday lights again. 🤣

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Jani]

Hello Audrey, Welcome back!  You look great and I'm glad to read things in your life are moving forward.  Sorry to hear of your step-fathers passing.  Don't stay way too long.

 

Hugs, 

Jani

[Ivy]

It does sound like you're doing well.

[VickySGV]

Loss (as she sees it) of a Husband and a Son is where her problem lies.  One at a time, maybe not the ton of rocks that it is for her right now. Good for you to stand your ground and be available to her at the same time.  A new year in so many ways is ahead for both of you.  Let her know that you too mourn for each person as we really do mourn for our old selves from time to time and certainly you mourn your father.  Perhaps your GT can also so do some grief counseling for the pair of you that will help put this on a more direct path of healing.

[Audrey]

3 hours ago, VickySGV said:

Perhaps your GT can also so do some grief counseling for the pair of you that will help put this on a more direct path of healing.

 

Hi Vicki! I had this thought too though my mother has always been someone who sees things like therapists and support groups as for "other people." Trying to work on that perception.

 

I guess the other thing that the tension between her and I brought up is that my dead name was still a household word for many months, for my stepfather's benefit because he would not have understood. I get it but I do not agree with it. Now that he is gone, the reality that I am not that name anymore has set in. I do not think my mother expected my reaction to be so strong, and her response was to react to the word "dead" and say I was dishonoring family by rejecting a name chosen with love and purpose.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Ivy]

10 minutes ago, Audrey said:

I was dishonoring family by rejecting a name chosen with love and purpose.

I suppose I can kinda understand this line of reasoning - not that I agree with it.

However, I'm the only surviver of my birth family now.

 

I have never liked my birth name, and don't go by it except for legal purposes.  And I'm expecting to change that in the near future.  I've joked for years that if someone calls me by it, you can tell it's someone that doesn't know me.  More true than I realized at the time.