questioning my gender

[Guest]

On 12/2/2021 at 12:53 PM, The Void Crow said:

The issue I'm having is that I don't know if I'd actually prefer being a woman, or I merely like the *idea* of it. Whether it's something I want to make a reality, or just a flight of fancy. I don't want to present myself as female without transitioning, but I also can't take steps towards transitioning until I know how it feels to present as female. And until I know for sure that I want to transition, I wouldn't want to tell my family or friends any of this (apart from a very close few). I guess the obvious answer to that is therapy?

I've felt very much the same. Kind of bouncing between the two options. Since stating therapy, I just didn't realize how much having a male body has bothered me. I had a similar introductory post on these forums and the advice I got was to find a good therapist and I can say I am much better since I started only a few months ago. I honestly recommend getting a therapist. That being said there will never be a "one size fits all" approach to anything. Welcome to the forum. The people here are really sweet and have been there and back. I hope you find come comfort and advice on this journey like I have.

[Charlie89]

Thanks for everyone’s comments so far I really appreciate it. I recently just bought some bow ties to wear and the feeling was amazing! Just a sense of belonging and that it felt so right to wear it. 

[The Void Crow]

On 1/22/2022 at 8:39 PM, Sol said:

What helped me and what I think could potentially help you; pin down what you don't want. This helps you narrow down what you DO want, and gives you some guidelines for yourself. And the most important thing is DO YOUR RESEARCH. Look at credited sources and research things like hormone therapy, surgery, look up gender terms if you feel you need to (I did and someone on here was very kind in providing me with a handy guide), and look at the pros and cons. 

Thinking about what you want to look like physically can help you narrow down what you would need to do in terms of more serious things like hormones and surgery. But be totally sure in your decision, and don't feel bad if it feels like a slow process.

Thanks for the advice, Sol.

I've been bearing it in mind, thinking about what I do and don't want, and will continue to do so and reassess regularly. Of course I won't come to any firm decisions until I have to, but you're right - it helps to narrow things down and produce a clearer picture of my desired "end goal". I know it'll take a long time to reach no matter what, so there's no need to rush.

 

In general, it's been a busy week in terms of my journey, in which I've made some definite steps in the right direction.

I was talking with a friend about my unwillingness to present as female at home, and they said how they had an empty house for a couple of days. They invited me round for the duration, in which I spent the entirety in my female getup and they did my makeup.

 

I was expecting to feel embarassment or awkwardness at first before warming up, but I felt completely comfortable and natural from the beginning - to the point where I completely forgot that what I was wearing wasn't "normal" for me.

They then gave me a bag of all the makeup they'd used, plus a few extras, and the whole experience was just so thoughtful and affirming that I cried (I am *not* someone who feels strong emotions often - I've never cried out of anything other than sadness before, and even then that maybe happens once every few years).

 

Afterwards, I booked another therapy session in which I went over my feelings, and she asked whether I felt more comfortable. My answer was that it wasn't any more or less comfortable. But comfort is, for me, rooted in familiarity, and the fact that I felt equally comfortable dressed in a way I've never done before, as I do in a way I have been for 25 years, I think is telling.

And though my levels of comfort were the same, I was definitely happier. Not that I'm unhappy when presenting as male, but that's just "okay", nothing good or bad about it. Whereas when I was presenting as female, I was actually happy.

 

The whole experience has kind of opened the door for me, and I'm willing (in theory) to present as female to a wider group of people. Still not to family or in public yet, but I can think of several friends who I'd be perfectly fine with, and I think the more I do that, the more I'll be able to solidify my feelings and eventually I'll be up for anyone seeing me like that.

 

The only issue is when I can take those next couple of steps, because none of my local friends live alone - at least, none that I absolutely trust to have the warm and welcoming demeanour that I still think I need. I've been looking into moving out, but that won't be on the cards for at least six months and I'm keen to present as female again, sooner than that. All I can think to do for now is wait until another friend has an otherwise empty house for a little while and ask to do the same thing.

[Charlie89]

Does anyone have any advice on binding. I always do my research when I’m going to do something. I know mainly that to get a good trusted binder and to not bind with bandages or tape. I’ve been watching people on YouTube just trying out some. It’s just hard to approach the subject with my mum and dad. My mum bless her does my washing for me so it would be awkward. Help. 

[Samichan]

On 2/22/2022 at 7:24 PM, The Void Crow said:

Thanks for the advice, Sol.

I've been bearing it in mind, thinking about what I do and don't want, and will continue to do so and reassess regularly. Of course I won't come to any firm decisions until I have to, but you're right - it helps to narrow things down and produce a clearer picture of my desired "end goal". I know it'll take a long time to reach no matter what, so there's no need to rush.

 

In general, it's been a busy week in terms of my journey, in which I've made some definite steps in the right direction.

I was talking with a friend about my unwillingness to present as female at home, and they said how they had an empty house for a couple of days. They invited me round for the duration, in which I spent the entirety in my female getup and they did my makeup.

 

I was expecting to feel embarassment or awkwardness at first before warming up, but I felt completely comfortable and natural from the beginning - to the point where I completely forgot that what I was wearing wasn't "normal" for me.

They then gave me a bag of all the makeup they'd used, plus a few extras, and the whole experience was just so thoughtful and affirming that I cried (I am *not* someone who feels strong emotions often - I've never cried out of anything other than sadness before, and even then that maybe happens once every few years).

 

Afterwards, I booked another therapy session in which I went over my feelings, and she asked whether I felt more comfortable. My answer was that it wasn't any more or less comfortable. But comfort is, for me, rooted in familiarity, and the fact that I felt equally comfortable dressed in a way I've never done before, as I do in a way I have been for 25 years, I think is telling.

And though my levels of comfort were the same, I was definitely happier. Not that I'm unhappy when presenting as male, but that's just "okay", nothing good or bad about it. Whereas when I was presenting as female, I was actually happy.

 

The whole experience has kind of opened the door for me, and I'm willing (in theory) to present as female to a wider group of people. Still not to family or in public yet, but I can think of several friends who I'd be perfectly fine with, and I think the more I do that, the more I'll be able to solidify my feelings and eventually I'll be up for anyone seeing me like that.

 

The only issue is when I can take those next couple of steps, because none of my local friends live alone - at least, none that I absolutely trust to have the warm and welcoming demeanour that I still think I need. I've been looking into moving out, but that won't be on the cards for at least six months and I'm keen to present as female again, sooner than that. All I can think to do for now is wait until another friend has an otherwise empty house for a little while and ask to do the same thing.

Thank you so much for your initial post and for sharing the steps you’ve taken on your journey since then. Your first post really resonated with me, as my experience has been almost exactly the same as what you described, and I’ve been mired lately with the same hang ups too. Your story and the helpful replies from everyone else in the community have helped me to find some clarity. I realize now that if I’m going to be able to make sense of these feelings of gender euphoria/dysphoria I’ve had my whole life I’m going to need to experiment with presenting as female, for short periods and in safe spaces, just as you have. It certainly looks like that’s the only way to break the logjam I seem to have reached in my own journey. So thanks again for sharing your experience. It really has helped me to.

[The Void Crow]

On 3/17/2022 at 7:29 PM, Samichan said:

Thank you so much for your initial post and for sharing the steps you’ve taken on your journey since then. Your first post really resonated with me, as my experience has been almost exactly the same as what you described, and I’ve been mired lately with the same hang ups too. Your story and the helpful replies from everyone else in the community have helped me to find some clarity. I realize now that if I’m going to be able to make sense of these feelings of gender euphoria/dysphoria I’ve had my whole life I’m going to need to experiment with presenting as female, for short periods and in safe spaces, just as you have. It certainly looks like that’s the only way to break the logjam I seem to have reached in my own journey. So thanks again for sharing your experience. It really has helped me to.

I'm glad I (and the others here) have been of help!

 

I've not made any tangible progress since my last post, but I've found that as I talk about things with my confidants, things slowly help to crystalise in my mind. Even if it's just something as trivial as what names I like the sound of, or what makeup I would wear. It's nowhere near as effective at helping me process my feelings as actually presenting in front of others, but it's better than nothing.

 

I've also started to get a bit of gender euphoria whenever someone says something about me that's usually taken to imply femininity, like they're jealous of my hair or how I'm "not exactly one of the guys".