doubts and fear about changing

[Kenma_kozume]

today i went to buy clothes with my mom, and i picked a "boy shirt", my mom was fine with that and even said it looked cool, but when we went to the dresser room, the staff confused me with a boy. i have short hair and usually wear boyish clothes, so it wasn't a surprise. but when they confused me with a boy, i felt kinda embarrassed and out of place, i thought being referred as a boy would make me feel good, but it was kinda scary.

the point is that even tho i usually daydream about me being a boy and feel genuinely joy in that (i've also felt dysphoria) when i experience in real life things like this, thoughts like "what was i thinking? im a girl", "is this really what i want?" or "you're never gonna be a real boy" always pop up in my head. its confusing because things like this make me rethink everything. i daydream about that, but im scared when i do it in real life. its even worse because i also don't feel completely happy being a girl, but im also terrible scared of doing a change. I wish a was a boy, but when i'm close from it, i get so scared and a lot of doubt start coming to my mind. Maybe im non binary, ftm or not even trans at all. Does anyone advice on this?

[stveee]

8 hours ago, Kenma_kozume said:

when we went to the dresser room, the staff confused me with a boy. i have short hair and usually wear boyish clothes, so it wasn't a surprise. but when they confused me with a boy, i felt kinda embarrassed and out of place, i thought being referred as a boy would make me feel good, but it was kinda scary.

 

when i experience in real life things like this, thoughts like "what was i thinking? im a girl", "is this really what i want?" or "you're never gonna be a real boy" 

 

The usual 'red flag' for me now is fear. Because I may have to dig a bit and discover why and what the root of it may be. Sometimes, it is a signal to run from danger, others, it may be a reaction to something I actually secretly desire. 

I spent many years wandering the gender spectrum in confusion or denial alone trying to figure it out which you do not have to do if you seek out a gender therapist, a person you can confide in. 

 

For myself, the point at which I began to contemplate being an other gender, my mind immediately also suggested the various reasons why it could never be. It was a kind of battle between my head and my heart. Eventually, I just got plain tired of being pushed around by my own fear.

[Mmindy]

9 hours ago, Kenma_kozume said:

i daydream about that, but im scared when i do it in real life. its even worse because i also don't feel completely happy being a girl, but im also terrible scared of doing a change. I wish a was a boy, but when i'm close from it, i get so scared and a lot of doubt start coming to my mind. Maybe im non binary, ftm or not even trans at all. Does anyone advice on this?

Good morning Kenma,

Being scared, second guessing, and not knowing where you really stand in or on the gender scale, seems to be normal for all of us. When I dream, I dream in the female persona, always have since my preteen years. @stveee is correct about needing a professional gender therapist, to help you through these times. Are you out to your mom? Can you talk to her about needing to see a gender therapist?

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Elizabeth Star]

It's OK to not really know where you stand with your identity, everyone has to start somewhere. I was terrified the first couple of times I wore women's clothing but I felt it was the right path for me and had to test things out in irl to make an informed decision. I glad I explored those feelings because now I know who I am. You tried it, you didn't like, now you know.

 

 

[Kenma_kozume]

Thanks to everyone. Sadly, i can't talk to my mom (or any family member) about this, they're openly transphobic and that will probably make things worse. I'll do it in the future tho, so for now i'll just at least to try figuring things by myself

[Delcina B]

@Kenma_kozume For a long time I thought gender was binary even in the transgender realm. But now I see it on a spectrum, even one where a person can move on it from time to time. We're all unique individuals, no two the same. Who I am is me, & you are you. It took me a long time to accept me, I hated how I looked & felt & what I thought. It was painful, but today I can love me for who I am. 

 

Breathe, explore, be honest & accepting of yourself & in time you will find you. The suggestion to see a gender therapist was given to me & it helped a lot.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Astrid]

2 hours ago, Kenma_kozume said:

Thanks to everyone. Sadly, i can't talk to my mom (or any family member) about this, they're openly transphobic and that will probably make things worse. I'll do it in the future tho, so for now i'll just at least to try figuring things by myself

I understand how this is a difficult time for you when moving forward seems impossible. If you haven't already, read read read on gender identity topics. There are several good books I could recommend that include exercises to help you bring definition and better clarity about your identity. If purchasing books isn't an option, libraries might be a good place to check as well.

 

Best wishes,

 

Astrid 

[Heather Shay]

An excellent workbook that helps you explore who YOU ARE is You and Your Gender Identity by Dara Huffman-Fox and you can get on Amazon for about $15. Helped me emmensely.