I've been questioning for about a year and a half

[oh no]

Hey everyone! I chose the username "oh no" because that's how this whole process has felt so far, scary and new and just very vulnerable. With the benefit of (admittedly only like 20 minutes) hindsight, I probably should have chosen a different username. Just call me X (my parents actually called me that for 6 weeks after I was born since they didn't know how to name me, guess it runs in the family). I'm writing this down to hear if any of what I'm experiencing sounds familiar and how you all have dealt with it.

 

CW: This is essentially a catalogue of my experiences, which means there's going to be a lot of dysphoria. Like, seriously. I don't think I think healthy things and or believe healthy beliefs. If that makes you want to dip out I completely understand. A lot of the way I describe my dysphoria and my experiences is through the lens of "I'd prefer to be a girl/ don't like being a boy". It's pretty choice oriented, and while I know this isn't exactly something I had a choice in experiencing it's still how I view myself. I'm trying to be honest about my life and experiences, so there are some actions and view in here that I don't feel proud of. I don't think there's anything awful, but I don't want to present myself as a good person, merely a person trying to figure themselves out.

 

Anyway.

 

I'm a 21 year old AMAB who's considering transitioning. I've felt like -crap- for, by my estimate, the latter 11 years of my life. For the longest time I thought it was just generalized depression and anxiety (just like everyone else my age), which is one of the reasons I never sought anything out earlier. As a kid I knew that I didn't really like the body I was inhabiting, but I never thought that it was because I'd prefer a girl's body or that I didn't like my AMAB body. I figured it was because I liked to read scifi/fantasy, and in those stories there were characters that were shapeshifters or monsters or something that would, objectively, completely rock to be. When you're comparing to werewolves and vampires, why would you want to be a person? (For whatever reason I really wanted to be specifically sonic the hedgehog, which I never shared with anyone and past this point never will!)

 

But there was also a feeling that would come to me, occasionally. It felt like a warm, anxious buzzing in my chest that came to me whenever I was doing something that could be considered feminine or even when I was just resting and not doing anything (according to my young mind, "just chilling" was against the rules for dudes). I would do anything to get rid of it. For hours it could settle over me and while I never had words to describe it I knew it was a feeling I knew I wasn't supposed to have. It wasn't a positive feeling, but it wasn't negative one either. It was just deeply uncomfortable, like I wasn't being hard or ironic enough. It vexed me, a little bit. It's the same feeling I get nowadays when I look on trans forums.

 

Most of the rest of my childhood passed without many major indicators that couldn't just be handwaved away by me just being a bit of a sensitive child. I got along well with other boys, but I always wanted to prove that I wasn't like them, and I'd try as best I could to get along with the girls (for the most part, though I had the capacity to be a little jerk too). I played with boys toys, never wanted to play with girls toys. The only time before middle school that I can pinpoint that truly felt odd, looking back on it, was in my fifth grade health class. The teachers put up simple diagrams and descriptions of what was going to happen to us during puberty, and when they got to the part about chest development they said (paraphrasing, it's been a decade) "girls can expect chest growth, and boys can expect some too". This confused and frightened me a little bit. There was also a part of me that wanted, maybe not more than anything but more than a bit, to develop breasts and have it not be my fault, have it be "ah well didn't actively fail as a guy this is just what happens". Around the same time as I was coming back from a trip I saw someone in the airport who I thought was just the most beautiful person I had ever seen. They were completely androgynous and I was just struck by them. It wasn't attraction but more of a "I didn't know someone could be that, I think I want to be that". I figured I wouldn't be able to, ever, but that was more of a subconscious thought.

 

Middle school brought with it the normal anxiety. I wasn't actively scared of becoming a man vis-a-vi puberty, though some part of me didn't particularly like the changes listed. I was confused by the new social dynamics and my body seemed to be changing in all the bad ways (voice cracking) and not in any of the good ways (I dunno, muscles?). I retreated into myself a lot here, not hanging out with anyone and just sitting alone at my computer. This was where I really started to get depressed and feel like the best way to live this life was for me to play myself in third person, thinking "what would I have someone else do" instead of "what should I do". According to my understanding of who I was then, I was a boy who was starting to get crushes on girls, and I should be involved in this AS a man and this whole scenario was normal and expected. At the same time, I couldn't imagine why anyone would be interested in me, wretch that I was. I never felt that I was good at being masculine but I didn't connect that to anything else since I knew it was normal for some men to not be masculine, and so middle school mostly passed with a more generalized seemingly non-gendered malaise. The feeling that I didn't particularly like my body didn't go away. Around this period was when I consciously was introduced to the idea of a person being transgender. I didn't really think much about it. It vaguely seemed like something that "someone else" would do. I wore my hair long, and at one point an adult saw me in a helmet with my long hair peaking out the back and bundled in jackets and called me a girl because that's what they thought I was. This made me feel weird and upset and I didn't know why. 

 

High school continued on from middle school. I got three pullover hoodies in my freshman year that I would cycle between every day, even during the summer. There came a point where I felt that if I wasn't wearing one, I had lost a protective shell. I didn't know why I thought that, but I felt it was at the very least an unhealthy thing to think. This was when I started to have relationships. One was good, and two were not. In the good one I didn't necessarily feel like a man but felt like I was a person, seen by another. The bad ones were ones where I was trying to do what I thought a man should do (though at the time I did not think of it in gendered terms) and failed. I thought that made me a bad person, or at the very least a failure. I kept wearing the hoodies. I didn't know how to talk to women. I knew I was attracted to them, but it felt like there was something else there. I felt like the only way to interact would be for me to try to be a masculine guy, a role I wasn't good at and didn't like, but at the same time I definitely wanted to interact with them almost because it felt like I could share some part of them with proximity. Whether that was me hoping we could share in a happiness together or whether I thought, subconsciously, it could help me feel like a woman through them I don't know. All I know is it's complicated. I was firmly in the camp of "pro-trans-people" politically, and once or twice I asked myself the question "am I transgender?" but each time I came back with "no". I don't think it's because I was hiding myself from the question. I think I just didn't put two and two together. I was depressed and felt awful, but I also felt that I was unique and my suffering had to be unique. I couldn't ask myself that question in a way that I'd understand because I simply didn't connect to it.

 

In my junior and senior years I stopped wearing the hoodies so much. I got lighter hoodies that didn't obscure my body so much. I wore jeans and t-shirts. I liked how I looked, in a way. Sometimes there were moments where it looked good but like it was on a different person that I was just controlling, and there were times where I genuinely felt "this is me, I like the way I look". These times were pretty rare. I mostly felt like the person I saw in photos was someone else. I felt a little better, and I talked to more people. Then senior year ended and I stopped talking to most people. I went on a trip with a few friends to Ireland. Outside of a pub I saw a gay woman about my age busking her heart out and getting no tips, and it felt like I had something to relate to her but I didn't know why. Inside that pub it was very crowded and when I went to get a meal a tall man grabbed my hips and moved me out of the way so he could get by. That felt very weird. It felt like when that person called me a girl when I was a middle schooler. I don't know if this pub man saw me as a girl, but he definitely saw me as oblivious and in the way when he moved me. I felt a little violated, I suppose. I also felt a little bit dominated, and in my head that whole weird cocktail made me feel more like a girl. Isn't that just the most messed up thing, that THAT's when I felt more like a woman? What does that say about what I think about women? 

 

My next (and current) stop was art college. I met a lot of exciting new people there, many of them trans. People expressed themselves more freely there, and while I mostly stuck to my hoodies and t-shirts I appreciated the flexibility. New women were interested in me, and I tried to respond as a man. I got a little bit better at it, but not by much, and it still felt like I was a better person than I was a man. I still felt like -crap-. I ask myself if I'm transgender again. The answer's still no, but the reason why this time was bizarre. I distinctly remember looking at the side of a tall building and being very upset that I couldn't scale it. I rationalized not feeling comfortable in my own skin as "well, it must be because I'm not batman, not because I'm not a woman". I do not know how I thought this was a normal conclusion to reach. Still, art school gave me an environment where I felt I could explore myself, and my art started to revolve more around the idea of metamorphosis and change. At some point I had realized I had dysphoria and then worked round the clock to unrealize it.

 

In the middle of my freshman year covid hit and we all got sent home. I started talking with my home friends again; we all agreed that art school has made me more gay. They mean it as a slight dig, I mean it as a "yeah, so what?". I start to get very defensive over trans people, and while my friends weren't transphobes they were still capital b Bros. They all had trans friends and weren't bad people, but it made me realize that they might not be my crowd anymore, as much as I love them. Then again, they have just as much growing to do as I do.

 

When sophomore year rolled around we all ended up going back in person. My mental health went down the drain and when I was in the lowest pit I realized that I might be, or definitely am, transgender. I tried to tell a close friend of mine who I'd been having some trouble with, but when I told them about my struggles with dysphoria it set off their dysphoria. I felt terrible, and while I think the boundary they set was completely healthy and reasonable, and while they did offer to loan some of their femme clothing for me to try on, I still retreated from telling anyone else about it. It was my secret. I didn't feel comfortable calling myself a woman in my heart, but I could no longer ignore these feelings. It meant that when a woman was interested in me it felt more like I was presenting them a lie instead of there being just a general disconnect. On the other hand, since I knew myself better I felt more comfortable putting myself out there. Towards the end of my sophomore year I met a lot of new people and started to drag myself out of my rut.

 

At the end of my sophomore year I decided to taking the summer and fall off from school to nurse hand injuries. I moved back home and started talking less frequently with my college friends. In the summer I hung out with my old high school friends, and in the fall I took up a job working at a school. This was the point where my feelings started to get really overwhelming. I knew for sure that what I was experiencing was dysphoria, and it was also when I started to actively seek out trans communities to just lurk and see how people acted. There were times, when my parents weren't home, where I'd wear clothes that didn't conform so much. I bought a girdle to see if I liked it (I did, but it didn't make me feel like a woman). I find this article, and I nearly cry while I read it: https://medium.com/@jencoates/i-am-a-transwoman-i-am-in-the-closet-i-am-not-coming-out-4c2dd1907e42

I don't think I'm going down the same path this person is going down, but for the first time it feels like someone had gone through what I'm going through (you don't have to read it, but I quite liked it).

 

And that more or less brings us to now. I am at the end of my fall gap semester and am planning to go back in the spring. All these feelings I've experienced, as I write them I realize there's no way to frame them other than dysphoria though that's not entirely how I view it. I think it's possible (THOUGH VERY UNLIKELY) that what I've been feeling is something else that just feels like the trans experience since those are the circles I frequent. There's also been times where I've felt good as a guy. I've noticed that when I'm alone the dysphoria comes back and there's the want to be a woman, but when I'm hanging out around other people it tends not to come out that much and I'm comfortable being who I am now, if that is indeed a man. I don't know why that is. I think I've started to enjoy the puppeteering act required to keep up being a man. I'm not good at it yet, but I'm getting good at it, and I'd miss it if I transitioned. I'm somewhat handsome as a guy, and people like me. Then again, as I write this it feels like someone who's been eating old crackers for years turning down a five star meal because they've started to develop a taste for stale biscuit.

 

I think there's also the possibility that, since I don't like looking in mirrors and I tend not to involve myself in activities that require me to place myself in much of a strict gender binary, that I've effectively been living my life in a less gendered space without realizing it. For awhile I'd answer the question "what are your pronouns" with "he/him unless I discover something about myself" or "he/him for NOW" because it made me chuckle and I wasn't too invested in the question. If I had an instant transition button I'd probably push it. The fantasy I end up coming back to a lot is that of me, through no action or intention on my part, getting that button pushed for me. I suppose I view transitioning as my ultimate failure to live up to what people expect a man to be. I won't say that there isn't some part of me that believes that narrative, but I'm pretty aware that that is not an expectation I ever wanted for myself and it's an expectation I've never been good at satisfying.

 

Weugh! That was a lot. Don't forget to stretch and take a break to rest your eyes. I wanted to make sure I had everything in one place. I hope that wasn't too depressing or triggering to read. I feel I had to be honest about all of my experience here. This is my first real time ever putting this into writing.

[oh no]

Is this post okay? I feel like I've got some stuff in here that's maybe not appropriate for an all-ages forum like this.

[Heather Shay]

@oh no welcome.if you decide to change your name here we found some wonderful folks who will accommodate you. I want to say you have found a very caring forum with folks of all ages and similar backgrounds and stories. Look around and check out previous posts. You'll find friends here and many who will answer your questions and give honest truthful and supportive answers.

To help you sort your own personal path I recommend the workbook You and Your Gender Identity by Data Huffman-Fox. It is designed to focus you and your journey and guide you to finding your truth about yourself. You can pick it up for about $15 on Amazon.

Welcome welcome welcome.

Heather

[KathyLauren]

Welcome @oh no!  A lot of what you write is very familiar. 

 

I especially resonate to the bit where you keep asking the question "Am I transgender?" over and over.  I eventually realized that asking the same question over and over again was a sign that I was probably getting the answer wrong.

 

I agree with Heather that exploring posts on this forum and asking questions is a great way to investigate your identity.  I would also recommend seeing a gender therapist if you can.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[MaryEllen]

Hello Oh No,

Welcome to the Pulse.  Thank you for sharing your story with us. Yes, your post is ok. If you have any doubts that something might be inappropriate, it would be a good idea to read through the Community Rules to check first. If you would like to change your username, let me or any of the Admins know. We can do it for you. 

 

MaryEllen

[Charlize]

Welcome Oh No.  I saw nothing in your post vthat crossed any boundaries.  What you describe sounds a bit like what i felt as a younger person.  At that time the term transgender wasn't visible if it existed.  Fortunately there is literature as well as therapy, support groups and forums such as this.  

Try to relax, breath and enjoy this journey today.  Opening up to understanding can be a blessing.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize