Trying to be comfortable

[vectorlol]

(Sorry if I botch a word, english ain't my main language) Recently realized that my gender issues are a mess. I can't decide which gender I am. I was born a male, and I do not feel comfortable as one due to personal reasons. I feel very good with the idea of neutralis and androgeny. But, Brazil is a very conservative country. If a 14 year old body just suddenly turns into a weird gender combination. I probably would be excluded at school, at least that is what I think it will happen. And there is the very dreaded reveal to my parents. If I become a demiboy, I can be at least a little bit more comfortable with stranger/homophobic people, but less comfortable for my identity. I don't know why, but my brain is faithful that gender is defined by what's between my legs, which is not. So, for me to be fully convict that I am gender neutral, I should not have genitallia, beard and stuff. And I can only do that type of surgery when I turn 18. And I can not wait, literally. And, if i were to tuck my genitallia, I would have to buy the gaff, and I need my mom's credit card to do that, so I would have to come out to her, which is terribly scary. I need help.

[Audrey]

Dear @vectorlol, it is nice to meet you and welcome to the forums! I am confident you will find a warm and supportive space here. Questioning is absolutely okay, and please know that this is a safe place to share your thoughts and feelings about gender and who you are as a person. I can sense the struggle in your words, and I can only imagine how difficult it must be to feel the need to hide yourself for fear of how others will react. While I am not familiar with Brazilian society and culture, feeling the pressure to conform to the expectations of the world around me is all too familiar. The norms and expectations around gender can go very deep, and androgyny and neutrality can be very hard for others to understand as a result. But you are a valid person, no matter how you identify. I look forward to seeing you around the forums, and I hope you feel comfortable here among friends who can relate to you and your experience. 

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Charlize]

Welcome to the forums.  I can only say that at 14 i was also confused.  I was confused about gender.  My eyes saw male so i accepted that despite for a desire to be female.  Years ago there was little or no public discussion of gender.  It wasn't terrible to grow up male.  I actually did my best to enjoy myself.  I fell in love and raised children.  

When i did accept the issues that i had always had i  found peace with myself.   I think now that i am glad for my male life as well as my female life.  I am sharing this because if i had come out as a young person i would have been in danger.  Instead i lived an interesting fulfilling life.  I was able to get a good education with my parents support and have still been able to live my life as myself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Clarity]

Hi @vectorlol and welcome! The only other language I have is a little Spanish, and I wish my Spanish was as good as your English.

 

If I were writing to a binary-gender-identified person, I might say "Bro, I feel ya" or "Hang in there, sister" to express solidarity. But you and I don't feel like we fit into the binary gender boxes, so what do I say? "Sib, I feel ya"? "Hang in there, cousin"? I'm still learning English myself LOL

 

But seriously, that tension between needing to be safe and needing to be our authentic selves, has been a huge theme in my life. At times it has been absolutely crushing. I grew up in a very conservative small town in the United States, and I didn't even know I had an option other than to stay safe. So I buried all the non-masculine parts of me very deeply, and was very shut down and unhappy for a long time. Very slowly I found accepting friends and safe spaces, and now I'm often able to be my own weird gender combination unselfconsciously. But I'm still not fully out in other places, like at work, it doesn't feel safe yet. I think for that will be reality for many of us outside-the-binary folk for some time to come.

 

I'm glad you've found this safe place where you can be accepted as yourself. I hope you continue to be both cautious and courageous. And if you're up for it, I'd like to hear more about your life in Brazil.

 

Hugs,

 

Clarity