I think I am nonbinary

[CJ0819]

I have a biologically male body. I grew up in a very conservative part of the country where I still live but want to move when I can afford. My finances aren't great but will improve if I can survive for 6 months. Until recently I have never told anyone my thoughts on my gender and sexuality because I had religious guilt I couldn't shake and am surrounded by people that I know would disapprove. I have lost friends and have strained family relationships simply from having liberal political views.

Feelings I have had:
1. Being forced to wear a shirt and tie at church as a 6 or 7 year old and thinking the dresses girls in my Sunday School were wearing looked more comfortable.
2. In high school my friend explained to me what Powderpuff football was (girls play the game, guys wear the cheerleader dresses) and it sounded really appealing to me.
3. After that I would fantasize about being a woman and wearing extremely feminine clothing and that fantasy has always persisted.
4. In video games where I can create a character, I always create a female character. I have pretended to be female in MMOs. That was the main attraction I had to those games.
5. When I was still single and lived alone, I once bought a pair of pantyhose and wore it around the house under my pajamas because I was afraid a neighbor could see from the window.
6. I never liked traditionally masculine things like sports, working on cars, home improvement projects etc but felt pressure to.
7. I also am not into many traditionally feminine things except for cooking. Most of my hobbies and interests are gender neutral.
8. I don't want to transition. The medical procedures are more pain and expense than I can bear.
9. I am comfortable presenting as male. I have no problem living my life as a man. It isn't uncomfortable or wrong feeling to me. At the same time some days I really wish I could wear a dress and heels. I worry about looking bad in them. I am heavy set and large and broadshouldered and I have a beard that I like having when presenting as male. I also am bald. If I ever ventured out I public like that I would worry about judgment and my personal safety or someone I know that wouldn't approve seeing me.

Am I nonbinary and hiding my feminine side? I don't know what to do to work up the courage to let it out. I wish I lived in a more accepting area. I don't know if I am genderfluid, trans or just a dude that's into cross dressing.

Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all and sometimes it bothers me a lot. The majority of the time it isn't a big deal but occasionally it really eats at me. I told my wife the other day after 9 years of keeping it from her and she was very accepting and said she just wanted me to be happy and my best self and we could dress up together

[Jackie C.]

Hey sweetie! I'm... most of the things on your list actually. The bald thing is less of an issue than you think. Wigs these days are pretty darn good.

 

So anyway, my advice to you is to find a gender therapist to talk to. They'll help you find your way to your truth. It could be any of the things you mentioned. You could be NB. You could be a trans-women (non-op trans women are a thing, I know one who is a professional wrestler). You could be a cross-dresser. They're all perfectly valid and they're all welcome here.

 

In the meantime, we're here. You can ask all the questions you like, but none of us are qualified to give you a diagnosis. We'll still happily share our life stories and give you what advice we can. Welcome to the community @CJ0819! We're glad you're here!

 

Hugs!

[Vidanjali]

Hi & welcome @CJ0819 ! Thanks for sharing with us and trusting us with your story. It's wonderful how your wife reacted to you disclosing how you feel to her. I hope you two have fun exploring together. I'm glad you have her in your life, especially given that you don't feel free to express yourself to your family or community. Like Jackie said, keep sharing and asking questions here. You will learn a lot about yourself just by engaging in this community. And, indeed, a gender therapist can help guide you to discover who you are. Much love and best of luck. 

[CJ0819]

9 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

Hi & welcome @CJ0819 ! Thanks for sharing with us and trusting us with your story. It's wonderful how your wife reacted to you disclosing how you feel to her. I hope you two have fun exploring together. I'm glad you have her in your life, especially given that you don't feel free to express yourself to your family or community. Like Jackie said, keep sharing and asking questions here. You will learn a lot about yourself just by engaging in this community. And, indeed, a gender therapist can help guide you to discover who you are. Much love and best of luck. 

She even said I could wear some of her clothes.  I haven't asked to yet.  Working up the nerve, we have some nosy right wing neighbors that we probably both would be afraid might see me through the window plus I have a lot of internalized shame I am shaking off from the way I was raised.  

[Ivy]

Welcome @CJ0819

I'm in a conservative area as well.  

I can identify with a lot of your story.

The first time I put on female clothing, I was afraid someone would see me as well.  But when I did a lot of things fell into place for me.  

As has been said, nonbinary is a thing.

[Clarity]

Hi @CJ0819! Oh, I just like squealed for joy that your wife is supportive! At lot of things on your list really resonate with my own identity and experience. When I was "working up the courage to let it out," a female friend was so helpful. We'd draw the blinds and she let me try on some of her clothes. And told me I looked pretty, even as I felt ridiculous.

 

But building that base in private helped me decide what my next steps were, where I needed to stay safe and where I could risk being more my authentic self. She went with me on my first shopping trips to Goodwill, and we pretended I was helping her shop for her, so it didn't feel as scary. I am very grateful to her.

 

But whatever the level of support your wife can be for you, she may also run up against her own internalized attitudes about gender and anxiety around safety, and need some space to process, so be gentle in what you ask of her.

 

Thanks for sharing a bit of your journey with us, I hope you will want to share more.

[Ivy]

Welcome Clarity.

10 minutes ago, Clarity said:

She went with me on my first shopping trips to Goodwill, and we pretended I was helping her shop for her, so it didn't feel as scary.

My ex did this for me too. 

[CJ0819]

I am going to talk to my therapist about this soon.

[Niamh]

Apart from number 6. your list could have been written by me.

 

As suggested, consult a gender therapist/counsellor who will help you understand you and where you fit in terms of your gender identity.

 

I'm genderfluid. Having said that, the euphoria of being out a Niamh to family, friends, work and in public tends to overshadow my male aspect, but like you I have no dysphoria from looking at my male body with one exception. I hate body hair - but I hate it equally on me or on anyone else be they male or female so I don't really regard that as a gender dysphoria.

 

I just wish my wife were as supportive as yours. My wife is accepting and will even buy feminine Christmas or Birthday presents - but that's only because it's easier to find small gifts for women. But she still won't go anywhere outside the house with me while I am presenting as a woman (there have been some emergency exceptions, but in 2 years this has only happened a couple of times)

 

I think you are well placed to find the right path for your gender journey with much less conflict than many.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi CJ0818,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

[Delcina B]

Welcome! Glad you're here & happy for you your wife is supportive. I hope you find the loving support, advice & acceptance here as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina