I think I am nonbinary

[CJ0819]

I posted this in introductions but feel like it belongs here too.  (Hi I'm new) so I am cross posting it if that's OK.

 

 have a biologically male body. I grew up in a very conservative part of the country where I still live but want to move when I can afford. My finances aren't great but will improve if I can survive for 6 months. Until recently I have never told anyone my thoughts on my gender and sexuality because I had religious guilt I couldn't shake and am surrounded by people that I know would disapprove. I have lost friends and have strained family relationships simply from having liberal political views.

Feelings I have had:
1. Being forced to wear a shirt and tie at church as a 6 or 7 year old and thinking the dresses girls in my Sunday School were wearing looked more comfortable.
2. In high school my friend explained to me what Powderpuff football was (girls play the game, guys wear the cheerleader dresses) and it sounded really appealing to me.
3. After that I would fantasize about being a woman and wearing extremely feminine clothing and that fantasy has always persisted.
4. In video games where I can create a character, I always create a female character. I have pretended to be female in MMOs. That was the main attraction I had to those games.
5. When I was still single and lived alone, I once bought a pair of pantyhose and wore it around the house under my pajamas because I was afraid a neighbor could see from the window.
6. I never liked traditionally masculine things like sports, working on cars, home improvement projects etc but felt pressure to.
7. I also am not into many traditionally feminine things except for cooking. Most of my hobbies and interests are gender neutral.
8. I don't want to transition. The medical procedures are more pain and expense than I can bear.
9. I am comfortable presenting as male. I have no problem living my life as a man. It isn't uncomfortable or wrong feeling to me. At the same time some days I really wish I could wear a dress and heels. I worry about looking bad in them. I am heavy set and large and broadshouldered and I have a beard that I like having when presenting as male. I also am bald. If I ever ventured out I public like that I would worry about judgment and my personal safety or someone I know that wouldn't approve seeing me.

Am I nonbinary and hiding my feminine side? I don't know what to do to work up the courage to let it out. I wish I lived in a more accepting area. I don't know if I am genderfluid, trans or just a dude that's into cross dressing.

Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all and sometimes it bothers me a lot. The majority of the time it isn't a big deal but occasionally it really eats at me. I told my wife the other day after 9 years of keeping it from her and she was very accepting and said she just wanted me to be happy and my best self and we could dress up together

[Ticket For Epic]

I'm sorry that I can't offer you any advice but what I can do is tell you that you are not alone.  I identify with much of your experience and wish you the best on your journey.  Oh, and never let your wife go!  This would be so much easier if I have an understanding partner and I didn't have a "Well, this is the path to dying alone." Montra stuck in head. 

Well that got away from me at the end there.  Anyway, the only advice I could possibly offer is to seek out a qualified gender therapist.  Goodluck best wishes and may the worst of your future be the best of your past.