My identity collapse report to date.

[Kasane]

Kasane (she/they),

Christmas season was hard, so I decided to connect here. 

I did this thing ass backwards. 

This past year I came out to myself and then within a week came out to my family, school community, baptist church community. 

I am early 40's and feel very late to being able to accept something so essential to identity.

I would never have confronted what was behind the maladaptive coping mechanisms, except it was slowly eroding my marriage. I told my wife I was scared to find the root of my hurt, of what it might mean for us, and I was right in that regard.  But, I feel very whole for accepting my transgender identity, like regaining a part of myself lost when adolescence hit.  

I crossdressed all of once in adolescence. I tried very hard to fit the expectations set. I was comfortable (mostly) in a masculine gender expression that was culturally instilled. But some core part of myself was always disjointed, askew. This feeling is not perfect now by any means by perceiving myself as transgender; but, it is a step in the right direction. And, importantly, the maladaptive coping mechanisms were no longer needed.

I am so tired of carrying a male body. The magic question always answers she/her. But, for now at least, I am they/them, publically at least.

Some sundry lessons learned this year:

I am transgender, trending she/her.

Gender dysphoria is real, and it sucks.

The war on body hair is expensive and time consuming.

I like dresses, skirts, women's apparel of all types, except heels and uncomfortable footwear.

Women's biker shorts a size too tight makes for a good tuck.

A tuck a day keeps my dysphoria at bay.

Being a visible minority in public is a thing.

Transphobic vibes can be intense.

 

I'm here, like so many others I'm sure, because this has been hard, confusing, and lonely. It's been nice reading some of the other stories and poetry shared here.

 

[Heather Shay]

Welcome. You are not alone and you've found and oasis of loving caring people who relate and get it. We have so many similarities and many here will give honest feedback and advice from their own experiences and difficult journeys. 

Hugs

Heather

[KathyLauren]

Hi, @Kasane.  Welcome.

 

I think a lot of us here can empathize with what you are going through.  Some of us started the journey a lot later than you, so don't let age be a barrier.

 

Congratulations on figuring out what it it, and good luck going forward on your journey.  Ask any questions you may have.  This is a friendly place.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Charlize]

Glad you have joined us Kasane.  You certainly are not alone.  Simply knowing that helped me accept and embrace myself.

Over time i have found peace in that "middle ground" of knowing both male and female but perhaps not really knowing either.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ivy]

Welcome Kasane.

11 hours ago, Kasane said:

I tried very hard to fit the expectations set. I was comfortable (mostly) in a masculine gender expression that was culturally instilled. But some core part of myself was always disjointed, askew.

There are a lot of us that tried this.  For me it was a relief to give it up.

[Kasane]

Thank you guys for the kind replies. 🙂 I'm just happy to find a friendly space with such an abundance of support and good info for the journey ahead.

[Aggie1]

On 12/26/2021 at 7:58 PM, Kasane said:

But, I feel very whole for accepting my transgender identity, like regaining a part of myself lost when adolescence hit.  

Welcome @Kasane

And congratulations! Your story is similar to many of us, myself included. I was about the same place as you last year this time. It’s been exhilarating to live my life authentically in my own skin, as Agnes. I have a ways to go yet before the rest of the world sees Ages and only Agnes but it’s slowly happening. Long hair, HRT, a tracheal shave, voice lessons, and electrolysis are steps along the way. Learning to behave and talk and react spontaneously as a woman takes time and patience. It’s been a lifelong dream ever since childhood. I grew a beard and walled off my emotions to fit in but it finally took its toll last year and I waved a white flag and handed over the keys to Agnes and I haven’t regretted one second.

 

so yeah similar story, similar journey to everyone on this forum. Btw kasane is an interesting name.

[Kasane]

On 12/28/2021 at 1:31 AM, AgnesBardsie said:

kasane is an interesting name.

I had had a conversation with my mother after coming out.  It was the name she and my father would have picked if I had been born a natal girl. It is my name officially soon too! Just waiting to see the papers back from the government. I'm assuming the delay on that has to do with the holidays.

[JaniceZ]

On 12/26/2021 at 10:58 PM, Kasane said:

I was comfortable (mostly) in a masculine gender expression that was culturally instilled. But some core part of myself was always disjointed, askew. This feeling is not perfect now by any means by perceiving myself as transgender; but, it is a step in the right direction. And, importantly, the maladaptive coping mechanisms were no longer needed.

Hello Kasane.  You speak of "maladaptive coping mechanisms" that you feel were instilled by your culture and that you no longer need, due to your acceptance of your transgender identity.  I say "your" culture because you hail from Canada.  You may mean across the entire human race or maybe your own stomping grounds.  I don't know.  Let's agree for the sake of argument that bigotry against transgender people exists, but it has become a lot easier to express oneself as how they identify.

 

The struggle that transgender people have in facing their gender dysphoria causes them to relate and interact with their world in ways where they can get by and still live with themselves.  It differs for each of us.  Some will find that not living as the person they believe themselves to be can be so unbearable that something must be done, and I mean now.  Some, because of their individual circumstances, feel pressures which prevent taking action until the time is right.  I have tried once in my early forties, again in my mid forties and now at 57.

 

I am not a victim of circumstances anymore than I can choose to view failure or fate as an opportunity.  I am the Captain of my ship.  Bad things happen and we either choose to be a victim or we take the bull by the horns.  Miguel de Cervantes wrote in Don Quixote that, "There's a remedy for everything except death."  If culture's "maladaptive coping mechanisms" may not have been the right tool for you, then make your own personal adaptive coping mechanisms.  It sounds that you are finding your way out of the gender dysphoria labyrinth by examining who you are and what you want.  I am happy for you and wish you success.

 

One more note before I close.  I agree with you when you say that, "Gender dysphoria is real, and it sucks."  It is for me, and my future is still unfolding.

[Kasane]

Individual coping mechanisms for gender incongruity are formed from individual internal responses to the stimulus of systemic stresses placed by culture(s) that deny reality of the human experience.  I don't say this to excuse myself, or place blame even. But, I think that to say that individual "will" is "free" is a myth.  It is the myth that neo liberalism thrives upon.  We are not independent variables, but rather, are formed by and rely upon the systems we are formed by and exist within.  In that context we are as "free" as the combination of the reality behind perception and the habitus of our imbedded culture allows.  The "self made man" is another myth of this ilk.  Remember that Don Quixote was in fact written as a delusional character; and, I do not consider myself delusional for my trans identity.  I see freedom, from systemic cultural ideation of gender identity, in my own acceptance of transness; but, it took a very long time to perceive a different narrative was possible because of the habitus shrouding the reality behind the scenes.  Anyways, that is my current take on it, though I admit fallibility is in human nature a underlying reality.

[JaniceZ]

16 hours ago, Kasane said:

Remember that Don Quixote was in fact written as a delusional character; and, I do not consider myself delusional for my trans identity.

I gather two things from reading some of your writings.  First you are someone who gives ideas more than a passing glance, and second, you hold onto some deeply entrenched beliefs.  Your position is clear, albeit confuscating.  I am grateful for your response, because it has given me a chance to understand myself better by examining my values.  I have begun a more thorough reply which is meant for me.  I would like to share one thought; however, and hope that, as in all my writing, I craft it delicately enough for a community which thrives on the gentleness ideal of femininity.  I feel that it would be a tragic loss to discard a powerful tool, such as being empowered to take action when all seems hopeless, merely because the author of the lesson chose to deliver it via the mouthpiece of a fictional character with a delusional persona.  

[Ivy]

The "freewill" thing seems to have no resolution as far as I can see.

17 hours ago, Kasane said:

Remember that Don Quixote was in fact written as a delusional character; and, I do not consider myself delusional for my trans identity. 

As a graduate of the Laughing Academy I've always appreciated Emily's…

 

"Much madness is divinest sense

To a discerning eye;

Much sense the starkest madness.

'T is the majority

In this, as all, prevails.

Assent, and you are sane;

Demure,- you'r straightway dangerous,

And handled with a chain."

[Kasane]

I'm schooled by Dickinson. I love this.

 

Side note - I have long thought that to be called a quixotic person was one of the greatest compliments.

 

I appreciate the responses!

[Samuel William]

On 12/27/2021 at 2:58 PM, Kasane said:

 

I am so tired of carrying a male body.

 

I think that sentence perfectly encapsulates everything I’ve been feeling for literally decades and not been able to express (except, for me, it’s the weight of a female body that has been exhausting my soul). 
 

It’s so very tiring spending every minute of every day being someone you’re really not.