Hi, my name is Kelli.

[Kellilee]

I am 43 years old, I have had an idea that I wanted to be a girl since I was about 5 or 6. As a child I would try on my mothers clothes, as I got older, I would buy clothes, keep them hidden, and wear them in my private time, did some business, ended up using that as a way to hide my feelings from myself, and making it into something that it was not. 

I always saw women and thought I want to be one, then would tell myself no I cannot be. After that, it seemed to be one thing after another. Than I thought I was doing ok with, but choose to do things for totally wrong reasons, like I was making up a story that had to to be true, based on markers, like I have a job, I have a girlfriend, now I have a child, my job was paying decently, but I never really got along with people, like I saw others get along with. I was very angry, and closed off to the rest of the world, and thought that I did not know why. The world felt distant from me in a sense, and like I was missing part of what people see. I would only do things with a sense of urgency, or because I wanted to do it, no drive to do things for any other reason, and never understood why. There is more detail into this, but I do not want to be too specific, but I was not the best of people overall, but in my mind I thought I was doing ok.

 

After time and lots of bad choices on my part, the family broke up, I lost my job, and have been trying to figure out what is going on. I have spent the last few years going through different youtube videos, and trying to figure out what is wrong with me, been going through what I thought of as a spiritual awakening, going through things that I have suppressed, thinking that I could fix it. 

 

I am now waiting to talk to a therapist, and go through this process properly. I went from not sure to if I am, or I was sure that I was, but kept deciding to make up reason that I was not. So here I am. Trying to figure things out, be more social, less hiding, and less shameful. All I can do is go up from here, I hope. Not handling this has hurt a lot of people, and destroyed lives, I was even warned when I was 18, by someone that I was talking to that is trans, she said I can handle it now, or I can do it later, but if I do it later, it will only hurt people, and i will eventually be doing it anyways. I ignored her, and went no I can do this on my own, and handle it. She was right.

 

Now 20+ years later, I discovered I could not, I made things way worse, let my fears run the show, and have destroyed everything that I worked for over a lie.

 

So hi! I was always told there is a time where it goes from being a choice to something one needs to do, I have found this to be very true in the last week.

 

I am still pretty shy about things, as I am learning just how much of me I have been pushing down out of shame and guilt, and I am looking forward to meeting people that understand. 

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, Kelli, and welcome to Trans Pulse!  I appreciate your intro post.  Sometimes it takes courage to talk about ourselves.  You first paragraph sounded a lot like my own life.

 

Now that you're on a good path forward, I hope you do find that gender therapist and start your journey to womanhood, if that is what you desire.  It is not an easy journey, but it can be so fulfilling and joyful.

 

I hope the time you spend here will be fruitful for you.  Please ask any questions or post comments wherever you like.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Kellilee]

Thank you, I am waiting to me matched up with one as we speak. I want to make sure that I do this right, now that I have an understanding of it, that I did not have before. It got real in a sense.

 

Compared to what I have made my life, challenges while actually moving forward, is way better than challenges while losing ground and being miserable. Thank you for the kind words.

 

Thank you

 

-Kelli.

[Mmindy]

Hey there @Kellilee

Welcome to TransPulseForums, you're among like people here.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Kellilee]

Thank you, sometimes being in the right place with the right people makes all the difference.

[stveee]

@Kellilee You sound like you have done a lot of introspection combined with fearless honesty about yourself, and I think you are correct that you are on an ascending trajectory if you just keep moving forward. It was also the same with me, the feeling of nowhere else to run. 

Welcome!

[Kellilee]

@stveeeYou are very perceptive. Last few days I have had a similar thought, my path going forward is not specific steps, but more like a trajectory to go towards, it is the journey, not the destination.

Thank you for all the comments, really supportive. Great community.

 

Thank you!

 

[Astrid]

Hi, @Kellilee-- welcome!  Your description rings true and has many common threads with the journeys of others here, including me.  For me, it was the realization that the angry and depressed person I'd become wasn't healthy, wasn't who I wanted to be to the ones I loved, and forced me to move from repression to coming out to my loved ones.   

 

I'm happy to see that you're planning to begin therapy.  This is an important way to better understand yourself and who you are (as opposed to being told who you are).  Labels aren't really all that important.  Finding a happier place is important.

1 hour ago, Kellilee said:

it is the journey, not the destination.

 

It is, indeed!  There will be many, many milestones along your journey.  For me, I was greatly relieved that many initial fears I had about some of those milestones (example: "What will the cashiers think of me buying women's clothes?") proved to be groundless (they've all been professional, simply rang up my purchases, chitchatted about things, and I was on my way).

 

Best of luck!  Feel free to contribute and ask away, as you feel appropriate.  

 

With best wishes,

 

Astrid

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Kelli,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

[Charlize]

18 hours ago, Kellilee said:

how much of me I have been pushing down out of shame and guilt, and I am looking forward to meeting people that understand. 

 

Welcome dear.

 Society certainly puts us through a "guilt trip".  Like you i totally bought into that.  Being here has helped me understand that while i may not be the man i'm supposed to be, i am a decent person.  I've come to believe that "normal" is simply a setting on the washing machine.

Enjoy this amazing journey!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Delcina B]

Welcome Kelli! Glad you're here. Much of what you said is my story too. I hope you find the loving support, advice, & acceptance here as I have 

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Susan R]

Welcome @Kellilee to our friendly little family here. Your story probably resonates with many here as well as myself in so many ways. Your intro was very nice and I found atleast (2) things stuck out for me.

 

On 12/27/2021 at 11:13 AM, Kellilee said:

The world felt distant from me in a sense, and like I was missing part of what people see. I would only do things with a sense of urgency, or because I wanted to do it, no drive to do things for any other reason, and never understood why.

This describes very well how I felt the better part of my life too. There was something missing that I was not seeing. My motivations, like yours, seemed to be much different than my friends especially the few male ones I had. I did things to blend in as a male. They did things because the truly enjoyed them as men. I’m not sure if this is what you are referring to but this statement above brought that thought to my mind. Transitioning has finally filled in the gaps for me. I think you may find it will (if it hasn’t already) make your life more purposeful and enjoyable.

 

The second statement…

On 12/27/2021 at 11:13 AM, Kellilee said:

I was always told there is a time where it goes from being a choice to something one needs to do, I have found this to be very true in the last week.

Oh, this is such a truth in my life. Early in my 20’s, I chose to live as a woman part time. I could easily turn it off and present male for work and resume the cycle every day. I did this for a decade. It was a choice. Flash forward 25 years and it definitely became an issue of need. A couple of major life changing experiences (triggers) changed all that in an instance. I’m not sure if you had something like that happen in your life to jump start the need or if it just happened over a period of time.  Eventually, it all comes to a head and experience an “Ah Ha!! moment” where you know what direction you need to go.

 

I look forward to reading more of your stories and hope to see you around the site. It’s very nice to meet you.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[Billie75B]

Hi @Kellilee
Welcome to TP you find as I have that you will learn so much here from this great group. Your story resonates with me I am 64 and now 5 months into my HRT journey after spending a life time of denying who I was and then taking even more time to get the courage to go with HRT. Like you I left a wake of havoc behind me but now as I come out to friends and family they are finally getting to see the real me not the made up person I created.

 

Billie 

[Kellilee]

On 12/28/2021 at 7:08 PM, Susan R said:

Hello @Susan R

 

 

On 12/28/2021 at 7:08 PM, Susan R said:

"This describes very well how I felt the better part of my life too. There was something missing that I was not seeing. My motivations, like yours, seemed to be much different than my friends especially the few male ones I had. I did things to blend in as a male. They did things because the truly enjoyed them as men. I’m not sure if this is what you are referring to but this statement above brought that thought to my mind. Transitioning has finally filled in the gaps for me. I think you may find it will (if it hasn’t already) make your life more purposeful and enjoyable."

It is. Exactly it, I would follow my guy friends and do what they do, because that's what guys should do, I did not get it, but I did it, then keep doing that and say I love it, because well that is what I should love since I am a man. It is encouraging to hear that transitioning may help with this, to be able to feel that kind of passion, to truly love something, and not fake it because its popular.

On 12/28/2021 at 7:08 PM, Susan R said:

 

The second statement…

Oh, this is such a truth in my life. Early in my 20’s, I chose to live as a woman part time. I could easily turn it off and present male for work and resume the cycle every day. I did this for a decade. It was a choice. Flash forward 25 years and it definitely became an issue of need. A couple of major life changing experiences (triggers) changed all that in an instance. I’m not sure if you had something like that happen in your life to jump start the need or if it just happened over a period of time.  Eventually, it all comes to a head and experience an “Ah Ha!! moment” where you know what direction you need to go.

This resonates with me well, thought the same until I had a trigger event like you explained, great way of phrasing it.

 

Before I thought it was a choice, I can go wear women's clothes, try on makeup, and such, do some business, then after the business is done, I can put all the stuff away and then be the man I should be, and go back to doing that, when I think the reality is that my shame was taking over, and I found a way to numb that out, creating an addiction cycle.

The trigger point is when it all fell apart, and I realized what I have actually been doing, it all became clear, for that little time I felt connected, then it went back away, but, the thoughts changed me in that moment, when it all became clear, where the ego that I built collapsed, the strain/void that has been in my body my entire life went from a unknown, to a known, and now I understand what I need to do.

 

I have had a disconnection my entire life, I have been addressing it the last few years (more personal time, thanks coronavirus) that I thought was bpd for a bit, (among many other topics that I have gone over the last few years) I spent part of the summer learning about bpd and did some dbt, which did help to understand myself a bit better, I wanted to see if I can get around the disconnection that I was having, it helped a bit, to keep things in focus, but it is more like running on a auxiliary system, vs a primary, it works, but I am still at reduced capacity, before I thought it was just how I was, and this is how I can manage it, maybe this will be the thing that finally gets it so that I can really make sense of things.

 

The saying, do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy really came into focus. I can be right, keep everyone around me happy, but miserable at the same time because I would keep lying to them, since I am lying to myself, but be right, that I keep pushing the narrative onto myself that I am not trans, or do I go for happy, which means that some people will be upset, but at the same time I am able to be understanding and show them love when this does happen, vs show them a lie and keep the illusion going for them, and at the same time, continue to tell myself that I do not matter, or do I take personal responsibility and do what I need to do, I end up happier, and the people that are in my life will benefit, I will be coming from a place of love, not a place of pain, which to me is a win win.

 

Me wanting to be a woman is the actual issue, and I was busy addressing all the symptoms of it, not the source of it, trying to find a way for me to finally be right, thinking if I just keep tracing down traumas to their source, that it will hit a string that releases me and I would be able to finally understand what is going on. Lots and lots of soul searching and learning about spirituality to find better tools to address and resolve.

If I was not for the trigger that occured, I think I would still write it up to it is a choice, and in a way it always has been, I just never asked myself what are the real choices are. Have I been asking what choices will make me right, or have I been asking what choices will make me happy? I have been choosing to ask myself what is right, to be right with the people in my life, to fit the narrative that is popular, not the question I am asking myself now, which is what would make me happy, and when others tell me that I am wrong, and it is something else, do I give in ignoring what I want to make them happy, or tell them I respect your position, but I am not going back into the lie.

 

I would rather be happy, even if it is a ton of work, possibly shorten my life, and cause potentially lots of social issues, but to be happy and authentic, would make it all worth it, to be able to be connected to people like they are to people, and not be guessing what is going on in a void that I cannot get through.

 

It is so easy to get lost in the energy of thought, to what is right or wrong, what is good or bad, what is the right path to take and which is the wrong, it is very confusing overall, and even now I have to run checks to see is this what I really want, or am I reacting to something else, my goal is to add to the world and be positive, that cannot happen with lies and illusions, and attempting to be right, because it is safer, somehow.

 

Thank you to everyone that has responded, as much as the pain has sucked for everyone, finding a path of light in a void of darkness, is a positive step forward. Thank you for showing me that.

[SheenaT]

On 12/27/2021 at 11:13 AM, Kellilee said:

I am 43 years old, I have had an idea that I wanted to be a girl since I was about 5 or 6. As a child I would try on my mothers clothes, as I got older, I would buy clothes, keep them hidden, and wear them in my private time, did some business, ended up using that as a way to hide my feelings from myself, and making it into something that it was not. 

I always saw women and thought I want to be one, then would tell myself no I cannot be. After that, it seemed to be one thing after another. Than I thought I was doing ok with, but choose to do things for totally wrong reasons, like I was making up a story that had to to be true, based on markers, like I have a job, I have a girlfriend, now I have a child, my job was paying decently, but I never really got along with people, like I saw others get along with. I was very angry, and closed off to the rest of the world, and thought that I did not know why. The world felt distant from me in a sense, and like I was missing part of what people see. I would only do things with a sense of urgency, or because I wanted to do it, no drive to do things for any other reason, and never understood why. There is more detail into this, but I do not want to be too specific, but I was not the best of people overall, but in my mind I thought I was doing ok.

 

After time and lots of bad choices on my part, the family broke up, I lost my job, and have been trying to figure out what is going on. I have spent the last few years going through different youtube videos, and trying to figure out what is wrong with me, been going through what I thought of as a spiritual awakening, going through things that I have suppressed, thinking that I could fix it. 

 

I am now waiting to talk to a therapist, and go through this process properly. I went from not sure to if I am, or I was sure that I was, but kept deciding to make up reason that I was not. So here I am. Trying to figure things out, be more social, less hiding, and less shameful. All I can do is go up from here, I hope. Not handling this has hurt a lot of people, and destroyed lives, I was even warned when I was 18, by someone that I was talking to that is trans, she said I can handle it now, or I can do it later, but if I do it later, it will only hurt people, and i will eventually be doing it anyways. I ignored her, and went no I can do this on my own, and handle it. She was right.

 

Now 20+ years later, I discovered I could not, I made things way worse, let my fears run the show, and have destroyed everything that I worked for over a lie.

 

So hi! I was always told there is a time where it goes from being a choice to something one needs to do, I have found this to be very true in the last week.

 

I am still pretty shy about things, as I am learning just how much of me I have been pushing down out of shame and guilt, and I am looking forward to meeting people that understand. 

 

I understand completely.  It's a difficult thing to hide who you know yourself to be. I live it daily.😥

[Katie M]

Hi, @Kellilee! As other have said, there are so many similarities between your story and many of ours, yet no two are just alike. I'm happy you're on the path of your discovery, and wish you nothing but happiness and peace in achieving the life that's right for you! HUGS!💜