Artpetal's memories - a topic about good and bad memories.

[Artpetal]

Let's start out with a really good one. One of the coolest memories I will ever be able to share is related to sports. In high school, I was on the tennis team so it would look good for college applications. I barely knew the rules, to be perfectly honest, as tennis in particular didn't interest me - but they didn't have an even better sport, like badminton, available. I was also not very good at playing tennis, blah blah, sports stuff just isn't the same as fashion.

 

Because I didn't have a car, I would have to wait for a guy on the tennis team to pull up outside of school and drive me to practice. I think he was a year older than me, or at most two years older. As I recall, he had an all black car that was low to the ground. He definitely had an aura of being cool. At the time I never really thought of it like this, but over the years it's become obvious that this was like, the most normal thing ever for a high school girl to feel excited about, getting in her boyfriend's car once a week or whatever as they went someplace. Maybe I would have watched him play tennis and cheered him on if I presented as a girl at the time.

 

I have very vivid imaginations of these moments in my mind, spending time with my boyfriend in his car and, especially, waiting for him to pick me up. All I can think of these days when I go back to that time is that he came for me, and he really wanted to see me - he might as well have if I was the girl I was always meant to be. Due to not getting my fair share of ANYTHING gender-related throughout my life, these are the most normal memories I have of dating, as far as high school goes, and by far the most cherished!

[Davie]

Great story @Artpetal. True, without a cliché in it. What's below the surface?

Our lives are like the ocean, deep and rich. Thanks for telling it.

 

— Davie

[Artpetal]

The second time IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I was called cute online: I was in a chat room with other players just talking about anything. I had been there for months and made some friends. Suddenly one of the regular chatters and a girl, Lily, calls me cute in front of everyone. I don't know what brought it on and at the time I wasn't expecting it so I didn't react like I would have otherwise. Thinking back on it I'm so grateful she told me. I think maybe she sensed that I was a girl. I don't know. I only know that she was incredibly kind, and gracious. Maybe she saw how the boys treated me and realized something was up. Girls just know sometimes. I'm always thinking about what she said to me ever since it happened. Happy new year 2022!

[Artpetal]

Several years ago, I was ghosted by a woman I was dating on our sixth month anniversary. It turns out she was just an airhead and forgot what day it was that we met. I was looking forward to a wonderful day so it hurt quite a bit. When you get prepared for something good to happen and it's just all in your head, it's like you're living a dream and nothing is real enough, nothing is good enough. It was only later that I realized it was somewhat shallow whenever we had talks with each other, as if we could never come to terms about things. I've felt a degree of pity for her ever since then - she wasn't able to understand why it was bad for me, as if I were at fault for remembering an important day.

[Artpetal]

Ok, so - I had my first ever wonderful dream that I can remember at least about me being a girl. I don't always dream about myself. I've had dreams where I've 'been somebody else' or just in first person all the time through. This time was different. I was cozying up to the window in the passenger seat of a car that somebody was driving for me. I looked in the glass and I saw a girl in the reflection. I remember looking for a LONG TIME, OMG! I must have spent 2 minutes in real time staring at myself. I saw myself with long hair, then with short hair, then with long hair again because I preferred it. I focused on my lips and I smiled and puckered them in my reflection in the window. It was just like looking in a mirror!

[Artpetal]

I was rejected today by a woman who could not see me in any way, shape, or form as a woman. She got huffy, rude, and hysterical as he told me that she was worth more than me, in other words, the way a woman would treat a man she hates. Ridiculous.

[tracy_j]

Not a good experience but don't take it to heart. She was probably someone with her own issues or bad experiences. I have come across some, both male and female, who obviously felt similarly but just brushing it off or not reacting usually kills their gusto.

[Katie M]

6 hours ago, Artpetal said:

I was rejected today by a woman who could not see me in any way, shape, or form as a woman. She got huffy, rude, and hysterical as he told me that she was worth more than me, in other words, the way a woman would treat a man she hates. Ridiculous.

IMHO, the woman (for reasons known only to her) may be threatened by you and is simply projecting her own insecurities of herself onto you. You're living the true you...you're a woman...and you're beautiful...focus on that today and everyday! 💜

[Artpetal]

In high school at our graduation, we were to take our seats and afterwards leave the celebration with a partner. My partner was a semi-popular Christian girl who whispered to me sharply "Don't do anything to embarrass me, like tripping and falling over." She assumed I was male and would just listen to her, no questions asked. She had very narrowminded views of men, as if men were really that clumsy and compliant, and even worse views of transgender women because she never in her dreams knew that I was a girl. This was a truly hellish experience, not at the time, but only many tries later with various women when I was forced to process exactly what her view of me was.

 

In all honesty, women, all women, me included, have a very high view of themselves, and for a woman to treat another woman like this is unthinkable, because she should know better and she should know what the meaning of this sort of treatment implies. Maybe you could get away with treating a man this way because it's no burden on him depending on his identity, but not between women. I would like to permanently forget this bad memory. This is not the only time that this sort of thing happened to me but it was the very first time that any ciswoman ever stated their inner thoughts about me so flatly, arrogantly, and offensively. It is hurtful in ways that words can't express when a ciswoman does this sort of thing and whenever it has happened to me, it has changed my life very negatively. I was already ostracized from the girls whenever they wanted to go out and do something with each other, whenever they had a birthday party, in every imaginable way, and I get this added insult to injury that nobody ever could have suspected happening. I don't want to be treated this way, and I should not be treated this way. There is a point where it becomes far too much to deal with. I thought of this today for some reason and I do find myself forced to think of these instances from time to time.

[tracy_j]

To be honest what she said was more like something my son has actually said to me in his teenage years at a similar function. It's not unusual for them to say that. It's obviously deragatory but, from a male perspective, things are seen the other way too with them being worried about the stereotypical blonde making dumb suggestions. Male pride can be every bit as extreme too.

 

Not to belittle what was obviously a bad experience but I would just laugh it off as her own fears of being seen in a negative light taking control.

 

Tracy

[Zelaire]

It's funny how realizing there was potentially a gender component at play can change memories of past events and suddenly things "click" in a way they never did. Thanks for sharing these, @Artpetal. You've got me thinking, too.

[Artpetal]

My creepy great-uncle walked up our deck once. We lived a floor above him. He would very rarely show up on the deck to say something, but I forget what he wanted to talk about most of the time. His conversations were always brief and it took effort for him to go up there because he was quite elderly. He asked me once on the deck out of the blue if I my hobby was looking at perverted things online. I didn't answer anything because I didn't know how to interpret this question. He was talking guy to guy and in a way that only men could understand. It was another weird instance of somebody misgendering me. At the time he asked me, I was just a teenager and like some girls are I was pretty wholesome. Back then, everything was painful. I couldn't even celebrate my sweet 16 because no one I knew saw me as a girl.

[Artpetal]

I was summarily dismissed by two practitioners recently as if I don't have rights under the law as a transgender person. I tried to get an orchiectomy in November and December of last year. I was having sharp, sporadic pains there which I told them were 7.9/10 on the pain scale. That was the absolute truth. I was told by the first person to examine me, a female doctor, that these sharp, unpredictable, hellish pains were "a lesser concern" than not being of a certain weight - this is due to her shifting the discussion to my eating habits more and more as the visit went on. I wasn't feeling pains DURING the visit or WHILE she inspected, so to her this meant I didn't have these random ass pains at all. She refused to send me to a hospital for an orchiectomy and instead referred me to another practitioner for a checkup.

 

With this other practitioner, a male doctor, he said that he wanted to run a diagnostic test because the woman who referred me made no mention of an orchiectomy, just the pains I felt. At the end of this visit, I found an opportunity to ask him if we could just have an orchiectomy. This is because he mentioned it as a worst case (yeah, right) or something along those lines. He said "yeah, we can do that" indicating a degree of surprise but also a willingness to operate. Then he changed his story when the results came back. "We found nothing but a little bacteria, and it's nothing to be alarmed about. I'm worried about you on two counts. First, you'll experience bone loss, but more importantly, you'll experience hot flashes and these will be too severe for you. I'm telling you that I'm not willing to operate. Do you have any questions?" The man was completely in the dark giving 'bone loss' and 'hot flashes' as criteria for absolutely not going through with this surgery that I wanted, was willing to pay for, and that I was willing to put up with the consequences of. He also made no mention of the severe, ongoing pains I felt. His only recommendation was an antibacterial drug.

[Artpetal]

Filed under good memories. I was watching a Youtuber last year who changed her hair style. She dyed her hair maybe because it was a trend, but according to my memory, it was the same volume as before with a different color. Her two friends were asked for their reaction. One of them said she actually hated it. The second friend did the right thing and said clearly, "It looks good, Ari. You're so weird, Rene. You're so weird." She knew that her friend needed her support. Her reaction was apt and well spoken and both girls looked more dignified because of it. It made me feel good just seeing it.

[Artpetal]

A kinda/sorta happy memory from the past. I was in a clinic and as we were leaving, the man who did the check up was walking me out into the hallway. He was TALL and weighed a normal weight. He started to make small talk because he was friendly like that. He said Black Friday was around the corner and he asked me if I had anything in mind to get, if I was getting my girlfriend anything, in other words this was guy talk. I answered very, very meekly that there wasn't anything I had in mind. He went silent which indicated that maybe he understood or understood subconsciously. Speaking for myself, I know that I'm made to receive presents, not drop lavish presents. Men are good at instantly getting it so maybe he did know I was a woman. The silence that ensued was comfortable, not awkward. He was kind of young and his reaction to me was a lot different from the bigoted older generation that can't see women for women. It was obvious that the gears were turning in his head, or else that he had moved on mentally to a different topic. I just remembered something. He apologized if he caused me any discomfort at the time that he examined my body, which is a crazy good and open-minded thing to say to someone who's gender dysphoric. 

[Artpetal]

I got in touch with the woman from my high school graduation. She's matured a lot and we connected on a spiritual level. We talked about her favorite foods and her likes and dislikes in general because goodness knows she can carry a conversation. She's so interesting. She has her boyfriend in chastity, which is like, so modern.

[Zelaire]

That's a wonderful turn around to that story, Artpetal, assuming it's the same ceremony partner you mentioned who chastised you at the graduation ceremony. 😊

[Artpetal]

My great uncle told me something really kind once. I was thinking about it today. He said I should smile more. That's not something you say between men, who are stoic. It's basically the same thing as saying "you have a glow to your skin" or "you look really beautiful today." He must have known that I was female but in general he didn't really show it so I think it was just instinct or good luck. Also, once a man in my family said to me, when I was a young girl,  "got your nose" and I understand how kind and how thoughtful that is looking at those early days.

[Artpetal]

I suffer from skin cancer. Once at the hospital, one of the workers asked me if I was burning myself... 🙄 🙄 He thought what he saw on my skin was something pretty terrible. I don't think I have ever been complimented on my skin, and certainly, I've had bad skin in other ways too, like getting acne which has persisted sometimes in my adult life...

[Artpetal]

Once when I was taking a standardized placement test at a different school from mine, not during the summer but during the school year, I saw a student from my school at the more local school that I was taking the test in. This happened during my high school years. I noticed her, for sure. But she either didn't notice me or didn't think to say anything to me. Not even a word of greeting or acknowledgement, as a woman would have paid to another woman. She did not and could not see me as a woman. Very disappointing. One of hundreds of such instances in my very sad life.

[Artpetal]

Good memory: this one is really recent. It was just two years ago that an acquaintance online told me to never change. We didn't talk too often, but every once in a while we would say something to each other, with him taking the lead. Finally he told me to never change when he realized he preferred my sense of humor (I constantly made jokes which is why he began to notice me). When he told me that, it was obvious that he liked me and even respected me. It's something you say to someone you've spent good time with and it's not pat at all, it's more something that you know you wanted to say.

[Zelaire]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles with skin cancer, Artpetal, and the negative experience with that other student. I hope experiences like the good memory you just posted help you feel there's a balance. That was a great example of how simple things said between friends can mean so much.

[Artpetal]

4 hours ago, Zelaire said:

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles with skin cancer, Artpetal, and the negative experience with that other student. I hope experiences like the good memory you just posted help you feel there's a balance. That was a great example of how simple things said between friends can mean so much.

Thank you so much.