It's harder and harder to fake it (present as male)

[Jamey-Heather]

The more I wear dresses, the more I "present", the more difficult I find it to not be authentic, in spite of the fact that I really do believe that me in jeans and a t-shirt is authentically female...

[Kathy2020]

This makes sense although I understand the confusion too. I asked my therapist a similar question early on and she suggested that I might be applying male-female values such as presentation to myself as a type of internalized transphobia. Ya, I was confused and a little bit offended at first, but then she explained that I might find some discomfort with my transgender identity as a result of internalizing society's normative gender expectations that I had previously accepted and lived with most of my adult life. In other words, you might be equating presentation with gender identity because society has taught you to, but in fact the two are mutually exclusive. Does that mean its wrong to feel more feminine wearing a dress? Nope! It just means don't beat yourself up with guilt thinking that you need to wear a dress to feel authentic, or conversely, feel less authentic when jeans or slacks are more appropriate. 🙂

[KathyLauren]

I had to go to Emergency yesterday.  I wasn't going to get all dressed up for that.  I just wore my regular "at home" clothes of a T-shirt and plaid shirt (in girly colours).  I put on my work jeans just because they were warmer than my regular at-home tights.  So I wasn't exactly exuding femininity, though an average observant person should have pegged me as a lesbian.

 

I got misgendered once.  😡  Fortunately, my records are all in my proper name, so at least when they eventually called me, it was done right.

 

I thought my presentation was quite authentic.

[stveee]

3 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

I had to go to Emergency yesterday.  I wasn't going to get all dressed up for that.  I just wore my regular "at home" clothes of a T-shirt and plaid shirt (in girly colours).  I put on my work jeans just because they were warmer than my regular at-home tights.  So I wasn't exactly exuding femininity, though an average observant person should have pegged me as a lesbian.

 

I got misgendered once.  😡  Fortunately, my records are all in my proper name, so at least when they eventually called me, it was done right.

 

I thought my presentation was quite authentic.

Right.

It was- based on the utility of it, also.

So that also is a key is lacking a type of preconception. I am referring to the notion that we are born with a "soul", or an innate nature, but it is also something that is revealed and manifested through action.

Which, without getting too deep into the weeds, could shed another angle on "authenticity". I am really seeing it is a continuum, not superficially: either one is being true or untrue, but more true or less. 

So going back to the utility example, it appears as if "authenticity" also is not so much a thing that exists for it's own sake, but is part of a system that leads to a desired result. 

I don't hear much Jung discussed in terms of Trans issues, but I think his discourse on persona and the "true self" is another angle to view challenges surrounding identity. Certainly others here are probably more versed on the subject. 

Ultimately, I derive the term "author" with authenticity, the point being, we and not society or others are writing the story of who we are.

Athough as I eluded to, there is a synergy between the two.

[Charlize]

When i went full time some time back i worked the farm in a skirt and decent top.  It was liberating and confirming if at times more difficult to preform some tasks.  I somehow felt like a pioneer woman 😄.   Today i'm most likely in jeans and a UPF50 shirt in the summer.  My lingerie this time of year is usually long underwear.  I do wear a skirt or dress to market which simply seems more comfortable in that venue.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize.

[Delcina B]

   @Jamey Thank you for a good discussion.

   Hmm, I'm seeing an electrified, or electrifried dance move when I think about me hopping over the electric fence into the goat paddock.💃 I suppose I could put in a gate & wear a pretty dairy maid outfit.     

   Growing up the girls wore pants most all the time & in the Air Force we all wore the same uniform pants on the flight line. 

  I do feel a bit more feminine in a dress, but most of the time for me my femme is inner self driven.

[Jamey-Heather]

21 minutes ago, Delcina B said:

   @Jamey Thank you for a good discussion.

   Hmm, I'm seeing an electrified, or electrifried dance move when I think about me hopping over the electric fence into the goat paddock.💃 I suppose I could put in a gate & wear a pretty dairy maid outfit.     

   Growing up the girls wore pants most all the time & in the Air Force we all wore the same uniform pants on the flight line. 

  I do feel a bit more feminine in a dress, but most of the time for me my femme is inner self driven.

I guess I should have specified while teaching. I certainly do NOT wear dresses or even skirts when I'm working with the goats, sheep, cattle, pigs and chickens. Jeans an t-shirts for that, for sure! ❤️

[Charlize]

I have to laugh at the memory of goat manure and mud on the hem of a long skirt as well as sawdust from the mill.  I guess i was desperate to declare my reality.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Billie75B]

@Jamey I totally get how you feel. For me I am not fully out at work, only HR knows. I wear womens jeans and womens Polo tops but still look male and some days it really gets me down as I want to fully present female, and I have to remind my self what my therypist tells you are a female whether or not you present that way right now and when the time is right you will show the world your true self.

 

Hugs,

Billie

[Aggie1]

I’ve been on hrt for nine months and love the feeling! I have always had an instinct to respond as a female but fought it back my whole life. Hrt gives me permission to act naturally. A woman noticed my earrings for the first today. I’ve known her for years and we meet at a toastmasters club in person and on zoom every week. She asked how long I had had them and my response was to smile and do a little shimmy with my shoulders to show my appreciation for the comments and to encourage the conversation in a female to female flirtatious way. I didn’t even think about it. It just happened and her response was a similar brightness in the eyes and a sudden realization of the unspoken body language. It just feels like my body is primed to respond to female cues. I go back in my memory now at first encounters with people I’ve met over the years and I drop the “masc” mask in my recollection and just imagine my self responding the way I really wanted to respond, and I imagine how the conversation or relationship might have developed differently. It feels great to smile, to blush, to experience emotions, to giggle without feeling embarrassed about it or fighting it. it’s not a sexual thing at all. It’s just a hormonal response that has been there all along and was repressed. I’m not dressing up or wearing makeup but my body language and vocal intonations are certainly developing, along with the other physical changes which are getting harder not to notice. It’s like Agnes is taking control and running the show and the voice in my head that used to drown that out is getting quieter and more understanding and compassionate. I don’t feel the need to prove anything by dressing a certain way, but I think that will probably happen gradually over time as a natural extension of who I am. I’m athletic and feel comfortable in sweats or leggings and I know a lot of other women my age who dress the same way so I don’t feel out of place. But I can foresee a day when I may have to present in a professional setting or a casual evening setting where something appropriate to the occasion might be called for. Heck it’s only been nine months! And I have another 20 years plus to enjoy my new life. No hurry!

[Mmindy]

5 minutes ago, AgnesBardsie said:

Heck it’s only been nine months! And I have another 20 years plus to enjoy my new life. No hurry!

That’s great @AgnesBardsie

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Artpetal]

I'm glad to hear that, Jamey. How encouraging.

[Delcina B]

@Jamey No worries hon (Southern girl's pronoun for everyone). I was trying to stir up a little humor. But, as Charlize has set the stage I'm thinking I need a gate.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Trans22]

I don't wear male clothing anymore, because I packed it all the good stuff ready to be given to others and thrown away all the stuff that looks second hand.  I wear dresses more often than not, mostly because they equate to less weight and space in my backpack - practicality, I ride a bicycle to and from work.  Length of time since last wearing an outfit plays a pretty big part in my choice of outfits to wear.
PS.  For a special night out, I always wear one of my prettiest dresses.  Dressing down would spoil the night.

[Betty K]

Hi @Jamey, nice to meet you. I wonder how other people respond to you on those days when you dress in jeans and a t-shirt? Do they treat you as male? And if so, do you correct them? I know for myself that jeans and a t-shirt can cause people to think of me as male, and while this hurts, it also gives me a day of rest from time to time during which I don’t feel so watched. In my case, I am out to every significant person in my life including workmates, so I don’t feel inauthentic so much as slightly eroded somehow in my sense of myself. But when I was still working with clients who did not know I was trans, and wearing jeans and t-shirt while I did so, that felt inauthentic. 

 

I guess what I’m saying is, yes, authenticity is about how we feel on the inside, but it’s also about how we communicate that feeling to others. Maybe, in jeans and t-shirt, you feel you’re hiding in plain sight?

[Kerry_Autumn]

This is quite an interesting topic for me as well, cool that folks are discussing this.  Even after 14+ months of HRT I still have to make a substantial effort to present fem.  Even with my long hair, if I put it in a pony tail, throw on a baseball hat, pair of carharts and a hoodie, plus my big black boots (basically my uniform since high school) I look virtually the same as I did before HRT, no one questions I'm cis-male.  Part of that is likely cause all the men's clothes I still have are quite baggy (I never liked my body so didn't want to have to look at it), but I think the biggest thing is my voice which is a whole different thing...

 

I left my job some months ago and had some medical issues (not transition related) which means I've been out of work for longer then planned.  So, I decided that I'm going to be applying for my new job, I've got a standing offer, as Kerry instead of Kevin.  So, lots of clothes shopping and makeup practice for me.  I'm still struggling with being fully comfortable presenting fem, fingers crossed it gets better when I'm doing it everyday.  It's been allot of thought for me about how to present myself both as I feel authentically and as a professional, since I'm a substance use counselor and want to show my clients I respect them enough to look like I give a -crap- about myself.  The being a counselor part is lucky for me since the vast majority of counseling agencies are very progressive when it comes to LGBTQ issues (at least where I live), and having someone on staff with experience working with that community is a big gold star for them. 
 

[Jamey-Heather]

On 12/3/2022 at 2:31 PM, Betty K said:

Hi @Jamey, nice to meet you. I wonder how other people respond to you on those days when you dress in jeans and a t-shirt? Do they treat you as male? And if so, do you correct them? I know for myself that jeans and a t-shirt can cause people to think of me as male, and while this hurts, it also gives me a day of rest from time to time during which I don’t feel so watched. In my case, I am out to every significant person in my life including workmates, so I don’t feel inauthentic so much as slightly eroded somehow in my sense of myself. But when I was still working with clients who did not know I was trans, and wearing jeans and t-shirt while I did so, that felt inauthentic. 

 

I guess what I’m saying is, yes, authenticity is about how we feel on the inside, but it’s also about how we communicate that feeling to others. Maybe, in jeans and t-shirt, you feel you’re hiding in plain sight?

f they already know me, it's no problem. I do feel like I'm hiding in plain sight in jeans and a t-shirt; it feels icky when I get talked to as a "Dude". It's nice to meet you, too 🥰

[Josnn]

On 12/21/2022 at 2:16 PM, Jamey-Heather said:

 it feels icky when I get talked to as a "Dude".

Completely agree. Online has kind of been an escape for me on this front. People immediately don't assume what I was born as when chatting, it's nice just being able to be you online.