I've Had To Reconsider My Passability

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

I used to base my passability on how frequently I would be referred to as "ma'am". So whenever it would happen I would squeal with joy (on the inside) and then go tell all my friends. But as time goes on, I found myself being called "ma'am" less and less. Did that mean I was no longer passing? Was I taking my feiminity for granted and letting things slip that I needed to get back on track on?

Nope!

Turns out, many of my friends..all genetically born women..hardly get called "ma'am" on a regular basis.

Same thing with 'sweetie', 'darlin', 'hun'..all words I would base my passability on based on how frequently I heard them.

(on the flip side I'm not getting called 'sir' by any means so I know whatever it is I'm doing is working)

So how do I know if I'm passing? How do I know that I'm being looked at as just another member of the team and not an outsider trying to join the club?

I found out...it's the little things you don't really notice or pick up on right away, but when you reflect back on later it all makes sense.

You walk into the ladies room. On your way in you pass another woman exiting. You look at her. She looks at you. You smile, she smiles. You keep walking in. She keeps walking out. Did you pass? Most likely.

You go into a gas station to get something to drink. As you come up to the counter you notice the cashier (a woman) and another lady on the other side of the counter talking whom you just guess to be a friend of hers. She makes small talk as she's ringing up your things. When you ask how her day is going she leans in a little and mentions something in a slightly lower tone that she would be doing much better if her no-good husband would finally get off his lazy butt and get a job so she doesn't have to work 2 jobs to make ends meet. Her friend laughs because she most likely hears this daily. You offer your condolences and tell her, in a similar low tone, why she doesn't just get rid of him. the conversation continues shortly and you wish her luck with that and have a good night as you take your things and leave.

Did you pass? Most likely.

You're driving down the road, minding your own business. As you're passing a car you notice out of the corner of your eye that the guy behind the wheel just waved at you. Not the "hey you're about to lose a tire!" wave but a "hi..I like what I see and wanted to somehow acknowledge that".

Did you pass? Most likely.

..or here's a favorite actual story of mine:

You're in an 18-wheeler, driving down a mountain at a safe speed in the right-hand lane. In the lane to your left comes another 18-wheeler but in a smaller cab. As you're both going down the mountain you notice that the guy next to you is turning his head around to look out the back window of his truck a few times to get a better look at you. Did you pass? Most likely.

What I'm hopefully trying to get at is don't be like how I used to be and only base your passability on hearing certain words. You know you pass when you're being treated like any other woman, and especially being treated as and/or talked to as a woman BY another woman.

Of course this post probably made almost no sense since I'm really tired but wanted to get that thought out there because it occurred to me today in my travels and how I was never called ma'am once today, but the way I was talked to and treated by the random women I encountered tonight (even if it was just making eye contact with a mom and her 2 kids in the ladies room, smiling, and going about my business) made me realize that I don't need to base my passability on hearing certain words...I'm doing just fine as it is.

So keep that in mind in your day to day activities. You can pass and just not realize it because the people around you are looking at you like "oh, yeah that's just some random woman walking by"

[Guest Donna Jean]

Lizzie, Sweetheart!

You hit the nail on the head for me, Hon!

I love getting a "Mam" or "Sweetie" right now...it's very confirming to me......

But, what you're talking about is EXACTLY where I want to be.....just normal...

Nothing special....just the woman walking by, smiling.....

Thanks, Lizzie....you really said that wonderfully! Nicely put!

****BIGG HUGG****

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Lizzie

What a wonderul post, honey. You nailed it, as Donna Jean said. I talked with a new friend two days ago. Kelly is my dying friend Jim's 39 year old trans-daughter. She has had FFS but not SRS and has been full time for about 3 and 1/2 years. Like us (not Dee Jay) she is very tall - about my size but she outweighs me by about 50 pounds. And she passes everywhere without a thought.

So I asked her her a few questions (we had talked via email many times - this was our first meeting). My main question was - "are you happy?" She is - and it isn't a joyous happy, more like a contentment. She says she will never marry and is not looking for a relationship. Her lack of being able to form relationships was the core reason to investigate her transgenderism, although she knew she was in the wrong wrapping ever since she was a child. I was really taken back on this. She seems so alone. But who knows what the world holds for her.

And I said "how do you pass so well?" She is very female in the face - but her body is large. We went to pick up pizza together (now that's a sight - two trans in a pizza restaurant drinking beer, waiting to have the anchoves removed from a large supreme take-out!) Everyone addresed her as a woman. I said I want to be just like you - she and I were both in t-shirts and jean shorts and she had on athletic shoes and I had on my clogs. Neither of us had on any make-up. I didn't have on my earrings, she did.

Neither one of us attracted any attention. I don't know if I passed - really wasn't trying to - and of course she looked good.

She said the secret was ATTITUDE.

Now how many times have I said that here at Laura's? When am I going to listen to my own advice? when when when?

But she added - I don't always pass, it's rare, but it happens. "BUT, I don't care one way or the other. I accept whatever comes my way."

She is one hundred percent happy in her skin! Lesson for the day.

And Lizzie - when you asked early in your post? "So how do I know if I'm passing? "

My answer to you? "LOOK IN THE MIRROR!" You are a beautiful woman, oh my yes...

So some thoughts on that delightful posting...

Elizabeth Anne

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Now back me up here ladies, when you were out and about before did you run through a mental checklist of things to remind yourself "okay, women do this...and this..and this...they don't do this...they do this...." and now that you're out and passing with no problem you don't think about these things anymore as they're now second nature?

granted the only thing I know I don't do is pee like a woman, but I get around that by just aiming (I guess you could say?) towards the front of the bowl so you can't hear the splash. women have all kinds of neuroses about using public bathrooms anyway so I figure that would be mine. lol

also, and this is really smart according to my BFF. if you ever get a little paranoid or worry about your passability when using the ladies room....buy a pad or tampon in the little vending machine after you walk in. the logic behind that being, well she must be a girl if she needs to buy that. (naturally don't buy it once you're done because noone does their business and thinks "oh, let me buy one of these for later". if you need a pad or tampon..you need it NOW! then just stick it in your purse and toss it out later.

..or you can put a few in your purse so if you are in the bathroom and someone asks if you have one you can give them one. Of course I offer that idea but it's never happened to me yet but I keep one of each on hand just in case it does. lol

It's just a remarkable feeling when you no longer think about what you're doing and being a woman just....happens.

[Guest Valentine]

Well Ma'am ,

I really wouldn't base your passing on what people call you, unless it's Sir, Man, or something masculine.

I get called ma'am occasionally, sometimes by people that have talked to me and know that I am a man.

I get called sweetie, honey, and other such words all the time and I'm not trying to pass.

If you are being accepted by women and children, no one else will ever know.

[Guest Soph]

Absolutely excellent post.

I'll be sure to look out for little things like that

[Guest leo]

Lizzie McTrucker has anyone ever told you that you are absoluetly gorgous?

just lookin at your gallery and your gorgous

[Guest IGotThatGoodGood]

Thanks for posting this. i'll take that in mind.

I love the attitude tip from Elizabeth.

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Lizzie McTrucker has anyone ever told you that you are absoluetly gorgous?

just lookin at your gallery and your gorgous

Yeah I just smile and say "thank you".

I'm still working on my self-esteem. lol