Hello Everyone! Currently Questioning Here!

[Currently Q]

Hello everyone! 

 

I chose the handle Currently Q as that is where I have found myself.  I thought I would try joining this forum to present as a woman and be treated that way to see if that is right for me.  If this is an inappropriate use of this space, please let me know!  Also, I apologize for this very long post 😅 - I'm going into the weeds so anybody who reads this knows exactly where I'm at.

 

My story is probably not so unique.  I am AMAB, and for much of my life I didn't really think much of it.  Growing up I would occasionally have fleeting curiosity about what I would look like as a girl ("Would I be cute?" I thought I would be), or what kind of girl I would have been.  But these weren't things I'd dwell long on, and I'd only think of them once in a blue moon. 

In my adult life I would be followed by depression, until recently I realized I'd been feeling depersonalized for a long time. 

 

I'd long considered my mind and body as two separate entities, each seeming to have agendas and desires of their own.  I found myself honed in on a sense that I was plugged into, or maybe piloting a machine as opposed to a whole person.  I have emotions, but I don't feel them so fully.  I feel like a consciousness floating just above my shoulders, issuing commands to myself without an empathetic connection to the body below me.  I started trying to figure out how long I had been feeling that way, and what the root causes may be.  At that moment, I recalled The Picture.

 

A couple of years back, my then-girlfriend, now-fiance had randomly gone 'Say cheese!' so I made a goofy face in her general direction.  I made a goofy face because I don't like having my picture taken; it makes me realize that I don't know what my face is doing, and I always just look wrong in photos.  This time though, I was shown a picture with one of the early gender swap camera filters on.  I was surprised and delighted which, as discussed, is not my usual reaction to a picture of myself.  I didn't think much of it at the time, but apparently it stuck in my memory.  Naturally I had to investigate.  So I found some pictures of myself, acquired an app with just such a filter, and made a few more of these images.  Some of them really hit for me.

 

With this in mind, I started thinking about the occasional thoughts of "what would I look or be like as a girl."  I thought about the fact that in any game, whether a video game or a tabletop one, if I'm given an option I play a woman 95% of the time.  Digging down in that line of thought, I thought about the fact that in D&D, my male characters felt like a collection of writing devices that I had to constantly think about.  On the other hand, my female characters' personalities came natural enough that I knew what they thought and felt with an immediacy that I could actually improvise in role play.

 

So I decided to try a couple little things.  I got a manicure for the first time, and I quite liked it.  I enjoyed the process, and the finished product, and those little moments of joy when you go to grab the steering wheel in the car and see your slick looking nails and all that.  Well, I figured it was probably time to talk to my fiance about what I'd been thinking and feeling.

It was a catastrophe.  It went so, so very badly in ways that I don't even want to think about.  She is now trying to be supportive; she says she wants to marry me and only me, and whatever comes of this, we'll try to make it all work.  And I appreciate how hard that was and is for her.  But since then I've kinda found myself stuck in this "I just feel like a guy" mindset.  I don't feel comfortable trying anything out now and I am just kind of defaulting to old modes.  Just feeling like a dude. 

 

But I'm not sure I'm being wholly honest with myself, or if I just don't feel secure enough to feel this all out anymore.  So I'm taking a step here to try something, even if I'm nervous about it, because I feel like I have to.

 

For now, you can call me Daisy.  It's good to meet you all.

 

 

 

[Jackie C.]

Salutations Daisy! Lovely to meet you!

 

You've come to the right place. We've... well, I've... been where you are. We both have our own stories but... tabletop gamer and video game player from WAY back when 8-bit was a big deal. Maybe the dot in Adventure didn't have a gender, but I adored playing female characters as far back as they had female characters in video games. I justified that in ALL the ways. I started doing the same thing in tabletop RPGs about the same time that I realized that I could play as a woman and still be "safe." Being safe was an important part of my behavior back then. Homophobia was pretty rampant when I was growing up. Safe featured into a lot of my decisions and, as a result, stole about four decades of my life away.

 

Ok, so first off I'm going to share a bit of wisdom: Cis-people don't question their gender. Weird, I know, but it's true. Now that said, there's more than one way to be trans. Some of us are fine dressing up on the weekends. Others need thousands of dollars of surgery to feel right with their bodies. Some of us feel like a different gender on different days of the week. Others don't feel like we belong in either gender exclusively or just would prefer to leave that whole gender business to someone else.

 

My advice for you though would be to find a gender therapist. They're out there. Your insurance might cover it. They'll help you come to terms with what you might or might not need to do to feel comfortable in your own skin. In the meantime, ask questions, read and share stories. It's what we're here for.

 

So welcome! Lovely to have you! We're glad you're here!

 

Hugs!

[Currently Q]

Thanks, Jackie!  I appreciate the welcome and the insight.  I actually have just started seeing a therapist who specializes in gender therapy recently, so hopefully I find clarity and comfort as I work through it all.

[Heather Shay]

Glad you met Jackie. She is a treasure. Glad you are here.

[Delcina B]

Welcome Daisy! Glad you're here. As you mentioned you are doing, taking steps is what has been working for me. Where I end up being comfortable on the gender spectrum I don't yet know. This forum has been a wonderful place of support, advice & acceptance. I have come to accept I am a transgender woman, that won't change. Exploring has only confirmed & helped explain feelings I've had most all of my life. A book you might find helpful is, You & Your Gender Identity by Dara Hoffman Fox. It was suggested to me & has been a big help. They read it on YouTube if you want to check it out.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Daisy.  My friends have all given you great advice, so I won't repeat it as I couldn't do any better.  What I will say is that, if you are transgender, and at first blush you seem to be, going back into male mode and "feeling like a dude" will work for a while.  It might work for a long while, like years.  That was my story.  But eventually She will come back and whisper in your ear, and you won't be able to ignore her.  So take that for what its worth.

 

Look around the forums and learn and participate.  We'll be around when you have questions.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn

[Ivy]

Welcome Daisy

[Charlize]

I am so glad you have spoken to your fiancé about your gender issues.  I did just a tiny bit over 50 years ago and the reaction along with societal pressure of that time made me lie, hide, feel shame and fear for much of my life.  Openness and honesty now can help you avoid that.  I'm glad you have joined us.  Knowing i wasn't alone certainly helped me.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Mmindy]

Good evening Daisy, 

we don’t have to compare Coming Out tragedies, but like yours, mine was beyond disastrous. The the whiplash of support, death defying anger, then an apology. Well here we are almost two years since, and my wife made mani-pedi appointments for us so we would be beach ready next week in Daytona Beach, FL. As you’ve already heard from those before me. Welcome to TransPulseForums, you’re in a safe place here.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe 

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Maddee]

So sorry Daisy.

[JaniceZ]

On 1/14/2022 at 12:26 PM, Currently Q said:

But since then I've kinda found myself stuck in this "I just feel like a guy" mindset.  I don't feel comfortable trying anything out now and I am just kind of defaulting to old modes.

That was very interesting reading, Currently Q.  Kinda see some similarities between your experiences with my own.  I wish you all the luck on your journey.  I would title my experience as constantly questioning.

 

Right now.  I am split down the middle of deciding whether to continue HRT or resume a life as a male and not to put anymore pressure on an already delicate decision, time marches on.   Pros and Cons, I'll say so.  So many that life is in a constant state of turmoil.  One would think that finally getting what I wanted and becoming who I always dreamed of being would bring some satisfaction and peace.  I am very happy seeing my body change.

 

Here's the rub.  What is the end game?  I understand all about life being a journey and not a destination.  Thank you Aerosmith.  How much is it worth to me to upset the apple cart?  I have currently surpassed my two previous transition attempts.  I have support from others and a certain degree of financial security.  I still desire with all my heart to look great wearing a two piece swimsuit.  Is that all there is to what I want?  Will that be enough?  Maybe other unimaginable joys await if I don't give up too soon.

 

Then there is the cost.  The inconvenience of having to locate a bathroom when all I need to do now, outdoors anyway, is stand and urinate.  Yes girls pee outside too.  I've seen it, but it's a slightly different experience.  In the beginning, prior to starting HRT, I was excited about doing my hair, wearing women's clothes, and generally presenting female.  Not now or at least not as much.

 

So I wonder, the connection between the forces of nature and fantasy.  What is the effect hormones have on one's fantasies?  Certainly blue balls is a physical condition that brings on a set of circumstances which then requires attention.  You say that the relationship with your fiancé has brought about a lessened desire to become a woman along with an increased feeling that remaining male at least for the moment is the right thing to do.  I'm not surprised.  On my first attempt out of the gate, I happened to meet a wonderful woman who convinced me to stop what I was doing and remain male.  That relationship has since ended, but it was amazing.  Women have such power.  Wouldn't it be nice to have that power and to not have to depend on another for it.  Taking a testosterone blocker has severely weakened my sex drive, just like I was told it would.  But with it went the desire to transition.  Currently I am continuing with my HRT regimen.  I have appointments scheduled with my therapist and family doctor.  I am staying the course, because I like what I see and I don't know what is next.  I cannot deny however, that my feelings have changed.

 

I think that music which has provided so much guidance in my life, will continue to guide.  I know without a doubt that I have gender dysphoria, and for me it's nothing but a problem.  I know that I can pack it away and I know it is always there, but I don't know when it will again become such a dominant force that I must give it expression.  Hence constantly questioning whether to go forward or try once again to live fairly secure as male.  For the record, I don't envision myself as being any different female than male.  For the most part, I would continue to do the same things I do now.  But by remaining male, I don't have to go through all the things that transgender people go through and really endure leading up to eventually having bottom surgery.  Kudos to all people who are transitioning.  It is not easy.

 

To sum up, can I find self expression in remaining male and perhaps pursuing a different course which I think may be my salvation?  Is creativity the answer?  I do envy all the dancers glorified by Crosby, Stills and Nash in "Wasted on the way".  But I also envy them and all artists for presenting emotions-and the human experience in general-in ways that both entertain and captivate while so precisely hitting the mark.

[Mattie Anne]

Hi Daisy!

[Currently Q]

Hi @Mattie Anne

 

@JaniceZ Wow -- thank you for being so candid about your experience and thoughts.  Clarity and certainty can be so elusive -- even in things that so many folks take for granted.  Whatever your next steps, I hope that you find what you need, and can walk a path that makes you happy.   And you could certainly do worse for a guide that some good music!  Rock on, JaniceZ!

[JaniceZ]

2 hours ago, Currently Q said:

Hi @Mattie Anne

 

@JaniceZ Wow -- thank you for being so candid about your experience and thoughts.  Clarity and certainty can be so elusive -- even in things that so many folks take for granted.  Whatever your next steps, I hope that you find what you need, and can walk a path that makes you happy.   And you could certainly do worse for a guide that some good music!  Rock on, JaniceZ!

Thank you Currently Q.  Rock on yourself!😁

[Katie M]

It's so nice to meet you, Daisy! 

[Roxiee]

On 1/14/2022 at 5:26 PM, Currently Q said:

Hello everyone! 

 

I chose the handle Currently Q as that is where I have found myself.  I thought I would try joining this forum to present as a woman and be treated that way to see if that is right for me.  If this is an inappropriate use of this space, please let me know!  Also, I apologize for this very long post 😅 - I'm going into the weeds so anybody who reads this knows exactly where I'm at.

 

My story is probably not so unique.  I am AMAB, and for much of my life I didn't really think much of it.  Growing up I would occasionally have fleeting curiosity about what I would look like as a girl ("Would I be cute?" I thought I would be), or what kind of girl I would have been.  But these weren't things I'd dwell long on, and I'd only think of them once in a blue moon. 

In my adult life I would be followed by depression, until recently I realized I'd been feeling depersonalized for a long time. 

 

I'd long considered my mind and body as two separate entities, each seeming to have agendas and desires of their own.  I found myself honed in on a sense that I was plugged into, or maybe piloting a machine as opposed to a whole person.  I have emotions, but I don't feel them so fully.  I feel like a consciousness floating just above my shoulders, issuing commands to myself without an empathetic connection to the body below me.  I started trying to figure out how long I had been feeling that way, and what the root causes may be.  At that moment, I recalled The Picture.

 

A couple of years back, my then-girlfriend, now-fiance had randomly gone 'Say cheese!' so I made a goofy face in her general direction.  I made a goofy face because I don't like having my picture taken; it makes me realize that I don't know what my face is doing, and I always just look wrong in photos.  This time though, I was shown a picture with one of the early gender swap camera filters on.  I was surprised and delighted which, as discussed, is not my usual reaction to a picture of myself.  I didn't think much of it at the time, but apparently it stuck in my memory.  Naturally I had to investigate.  So I found some pictures of myself, acquired an app with just such a filter, and made a few more of these images.  Some of them really hit for me.

 

With this in mind, I started thinking about the occasional thoughts of "what would I look or be like as a girl."  I thought about the fact that in any game, whether a video game or a tabletop one, if I'm given an option I play a woman 95% of the time.  Digging down in that line of thought, I thought about the fact that in D&D, my male characters felt like a collection of writing devices that I had to constantly think about.  On the other hand, my female characters' personalities came natural enough that I knew what they thought and felt with an immediacy that I could actually improvise in role play.

 

So I decided to try a couple little things.  I got a manicure for the first time, and I quite liked it.  I enjoyed the process, and the finished product, and those little moments of joy when you go to grab the steering wheel in the car and see your slick looking nails and all that.  Well, I figured it was probably time to talk to my fiance about what I'd been thinking and feeling.

It was a catastrophe.  It went so, so very badly in ways that I don't even want to think about.  She is now trying to be supportive; she says she wants to marry me and only me, and whatever comes of this, we'll try to make it all work.  And I appreciate how hard that was and is for her.  But since then I've kinda found myself stuck in this "I just feel like a guy" mindset.  I don't feel comfortable trying anything out now and I am just kind of defaulting to old modes.  Just feeling like a dude. 

 

But I'm not sure I'm being wholly honest with myself, or if I just don't feel secure enough to feel this all out anymore.  So I'm taking a step here to try something, even if I'm nervous about it, because I feel like I have to.

 

For now, you can call me Daisy.  It's good to meet you all.

 

 

 

Hey daisy! Welcome to the forum, you got a lovely name! I hope you get what you need from the community, we are blessed you've joined us, hope to see you about,

Roxie 💖 x

[Robin73]

Hi Daisy,

Welcome. Lovely to meet you!

Robin x