Questions from the Questioning

[ChrisFKRV]

Hello.

 

I wrote two long posts and erased them, but I couldn't be bothered to keep editing after the third time. TLDR: I was sure I was trans in the aughts, gave up because of the price tag, and now want some advice on how to practically go about the process (legally, socially, safely). As well just to hear some of your thoughts on how to know for reasonably certain whether to move forward with it or not.

 

The title is a bit of a misnomer. I am questioning, but not necessarily in the usual way. In my early twenties, I was dead certain I was trans as soon as I heard of it. Then I read how much it cost to actually transition. (I remember figures from $25,000 - $75,000 back in 2006 or so.) I was absolutely devastated and gave up.

 

Some background: I have never, ever felt like the gender assigned me. I have never been able to identify with those who do. I've always felt confused and frustrated by them. I've always felt...like a non-person, if that makes sense, because I picked up early in childhood that it was "not allowed" for me to live as who I am inside. Even though I wasn't specifically thinking in terms of gender back then--I felt like the way it was natural for me to live would never be tolerated because of my physical body, and I developed what I now recognize as dysphoria toward my own body, as well as social dysphoria. Not to be facetious about it, but since deciding it was hopeless, I've tried to live basically as a gender-less brain trapped in a maddeningly gendered body. Gender-less is debatable, though...gender-resisting might be more accurate. I've tried to be neither male nor female, but I can clearly see that, on the inside, I have not felt entirely neutral.

 

I know things just can't continue the way they've been. But after all these years (and a heck of a lot has happened in the interval), I do feel confused. I have some characteristics of the gender I've been passing as. I've even tried to throw myself into it and embrace it. But I always feel like a fraud. And it just never sticks. I feel confused even seeking out and posting to this forum because I know I'm the only one who can really answer many of my questions. I guess at this point, I'm just gathering information. So I can move forward in the right direction.

 

I'm almost 100% certain I'm supposed to live as either androgynous or trans. But I have a job. I'm in a master's program. I'm moving this summer. I've realized I already live quite an androgynous life, but to go further, I'd have to step squarely out of my comfort zone, so... How?  How does one even start transition? How do you handle any of these things in the process? When I move, how do I apply to jobs under a new name when all my work history is under a different name? How do you handle passport changes, or is this even possible yet in the US? What about at your current job? I work for a very trans-friendly company, but I cannot even imagine going to my actual immediate supervisors and trying to tell them....anything. It's taking a whole lot of courage even to change my hair and clothing when neighbors might or might not notice. I screwed up all my courage today to finally shop in the other section of a thrift store, but I felt embarrassed. I didn't look up, but I felt like people were looking at me, and maybe talking about me. I was probably blushing. It was uncomfortable. And I didn't make myself go past the T-shirts because I got confused by the size numbers. Wasn't prepared for that, so I'll have to do some research before going back. Or order online, but I feel like that would be even more confusing, with the possible hassle of returning things.

 

How do you start? How do you make the actual, tiny, concrete, day-to-day changes? I live in a "purple" area, but it's fairly conservative in the actual day-to-day. There are certain pockets, but I have no connection to them, and they seem pretty hostile and polarized, too. I don't truly fit in anywhere.

 

I didn't mean to write so much. I've been building up some frustration about this stuff, as I'm sure a lot of you can understand. I'm not sure how far I can afford to take the process, but I'd really appreciate some of your thoughts on practical considerations.

 

I'll stop for now, but thanks for reading and any suggestions you can offer. I'm looking forward to learning more and finally moving forward after such a long detour.

 

[KathyLauren]

Hello, @ChrisFKRV.  Welcome.

 

How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.  Most of us have faced that daunting mountain of stuff you “have to” do to transition, but you can break it down into steps, to make it more manageable.

 

One of the first steps I would recommend is to see a good gender therapist.  It will help immensely to have someone on your side who understands the process and who can help you to sort out your priorities.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Ivy]

@ChrisFKRV Welcome.

My situation is a bit different than yours, I'm a lot older apparently.  Kathy's suggestion of a gender therapist is a good one.  

Also, some of us don't go the whole route with all the surgeries for financial or other reasons.

The first time I bought clothes in my preferred gender I was terrified too.  But now it doesn't bother me.

There's a lot of good information here and you can see how it is going for other people like you or me.

[Zelaire]

Just wanted to chime in, ChrisFKRV, and say feeling fraudulent at times and trying to gather all the info you can both resonate with me, too! Of course, it sounds like you're much further along your journey than I am, but maybe the cameraderie helps. 🙂

[Katie M]

Hi, ChrisFKRV! Baby steps...KathyLauren's advice to find a good gender therapist is such good direction.  He or she will help you to find the best path forward for YOU. Jandi made a great point as well...we don't all transition in the same way , the same pace, or with the same "checklist". Again, your therapist can help you define YOUR plan. And, as long as you're happy with your plan and pace - and it frees the real you to BE the real you - then it's the perfect plan. Sending you a BIG hug!💜

[Sol]

Hello, Chris! 

It's nice to find someone who feels how I feel, although I definitely feel genderless. It's like there's a big blank spot where gender was supposed to go, and it was pretty isolating because I was never fully comfortable in groups of "girl" and "boy." Turns out, I got nothing!

The advice above is good, take your time and start slowly. See about a gender therapist, change your style and hair, ask people to use different pronouns if you're comfortable. Social transitioning is a really important step and you shouldn't skip it. I'm still in this step and it's a process, and yeah, it's scary as all get out.

I would start with yourself. Think about what you want, and write it down. Just whatever comes to mind about what you want and feel and just word vomit on the paper. Narrow down what you don't want or separate it into categories of Now and Later. Like I said above, clothing and hair are good starting points. I cut my hair and went "Screw it, I'll wear what I want," so now I own a couple really nice dresses, a good pair of boots, and a few nice button ups I like to wear with my mom jeans. Figure out your style, and remember not to rush it, for you or anyone else. It'll do more harm than good, even if the process seems to take forever. And tell people if you feel comfortable, and don't if you don't. It'll get easier.

[Katie M]

1 minute ago, Sol said:

"Screw it, I'll wear what I want,"

I love it, Sol!💜