Hello I'm Duncan

[DuncanCathar]

Hello my name is Duncan Cathar. I'm 45 yo and am just now starting my journey FtM. I'll be talking to my therapist this Tuesday. I am kinda shy till I get to know people. I'm an Artist. I love to draw and create all kinds of things. I do Illustrations, Comics, Traditional and Digital Art and also different types of crafts. I am teaching myself how to play guitar and bass guitar. I also have a passion for writing! I do poetry and also romance novels. I'm not published just yet. I'm married to a amazing man who loves me for me and wants me to be happy in my own skin. I have 2 cats. A Black Japanese Bobtail named Lucifer and a American Shorthair that is a Marbled Black and Brown and her name is Angelina Jolie. I also have a Mini Rex Rabbit named Peaches. I don't have any human children. I would like to know what older trans have experienced. I've known my whole life I wasn't in the right body. My dysphoria has been getting worse over the years and finally I just told my husband I needed to transition. He is Autistic and told me he knows what its like not being able to be your true self and he said he will be here for me no matter what. There is fear there about what people will think about him when I come out but he said that is other peoples problem. I feel so alone in a way and needed to find other people to talk to about it. 

[Ivy]

Welcome Duncan

I'm glad your husband is supportive.  

I'm not an artist, but I do like to write as a hobby.  One of my daughters is a graphic artist.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Duncan.  I've liked that name ever since I first read "Dune" (Duncan Idaho).

 

It sounds like you've got good support and a good plan, so you're on the right track.  Please let us know what questions you have, if any, and if you can't find the answers just from looking through the forums.  It's a real process to transition, and not always easy, but if you learn all you can, and be guided by a knowledgeable therapist, you'll do fine.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Susan R]

Hi @DuncanCathar and welcome to our forum. It’s a pleasure to meet you.🙂

 

12 hours ago, DuncanCathar said:

he knows what its like not being able to be your true self and he said he will be here for me no matter what. There is fear there about what people will think about him when I come out but he said that is other peoples problem.

Wow, what an incredible person your husband is. Perfectly stated and a genuine support. You have what so many members hope for when coming out to a spouse. I hope you enjoy your time here. It’s been a godsend to me and so many others. With a good support base, you can get through almost anything together…a transition being one of the harder journeys to make. I wish you the best on yours.

 

Please make yourself at home and feel free to post about your journey as it unfolds if you’re willing. Also, don’t be afraid to ask for advice or information as we’re here to help and support you.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[SheenaT]

15 hours ago, Susan R said:

Hi @DuncanCathar and welcome to our forum. It’s a pleasure to meet you.🙂

 

Wow, what an incredible person your husband is. Perfectly stated and a genuine support. You have what so many members hope for when coming out to a spouse. I hope you enjoy your time here. It’s been a godsend to me and so many others. With a good support base, you can get through almost anything together…a transition being one of the harder journeys to make. I wish you the best on yours.

 

Please make yourself at home and feel free to post about your journey as it unfolds if you’re willing. Also, don’t be afraid to ask for advice or information as we’re here to help and support you.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

🤗

[Freyja Clark Turner]

Hi Duncan.  I am almost 68 (two weeks away) and am MTF, began medical HRT over 6 months ago.  We have a few things in common:  I have two cats, play guitar and mandolin a bit.  I am lucky enough to have had some poetry published (although I am a Computer Science Professor).  I am also autistic, I didn't know until this year (and it is SUCH a relief to know, so much shame fell away!).    I had a girlfriend I loved very much, when I knew I wanted bottom surgery, she explained that she really needed a man with his equipment for sex.  Alas, its not me.  But we've grown into best friends in a way I had never imagined, just great.  Your guy sounds so totally wonderful to me, I am so glad for you that you have a love you can count on!  Keep on man, keep on!

[Heather Shay]

Welcome. I think it is amazing to have the support of your husband. THAT IS HUGE. Congrats and I'm so glad you are here.

Heather

[Ivy]

And welcome Freyja

[Vidanjali]

Welcome, Duncan. Welcome, Freyja. 

 

@DuncanCathar it is deeply moving the level of empathy and love your husband has demonstrated. Inspiring. 

 

@Freyja Clark Turner I would be intrigued to hear about how you finally learned about your neuro diversity. I can imagine how freeing that must have been. 

[DuncanCathar]

Thank You everyone! It's been one hell of a week for me. I'm so glad I have found this place and yes my husband is amazing! I was so scared he'd be upset but he said he had known I was unhappy and knew when I felt comfortable enough I'd tell him. He wants me to be happy. I came out to my parents and well that went over like a lead balloon but when I came out to my mom and dad-in-law they were so happy for me. The first thing they asked is what they could do to help me. I started crying. My parents haven't really been good parents and my in-laws are the parents I always wanted. Kind, Caring and they listen to me. All my friends and other family like cousins have know all my life I need to be male. My favorite cousin was like what took you so long. So all of them are very supportive. The only nonsupportive are my mom and dad. My brother who's 30 yo just went Cool I have a big brother now! So I feel so blessed to have support.

[Jackie C.]

2 minutes ago, DuncanCathar said:

Thank You everyone! It's been one hell of a week for me. I'm so glad I have found this place and yes my husband is amazing! I was so scared he'd be upset but he said he had known I was unhappy and knew when I felt comfortable enough I'd tell him. He wants me to be happy. I came out to my parents and well that went over like a lead balloon but when I came out to my mom and dad-in-law they were so happy for me. The first thing they asked is what they could do to help me. I started crying. My parents haven't really been good parents and my in-laws are the parents I always wanted. Kind, Caring and they listen to me. All my friends and other family like cousins have know all my life I need to be male. My favorite cousin was like what took you so long. So all of them are very supportive. The only nonsupportive are my mom and dad. My brother who's 30 yo just went Cool I have a big brother now! So I feel so blessed to have support.

 

That is SO cool! Support makes all the difference. I've got less than ideal genetic donors too. I absolutely feel where you're coming from. My support comes from my found family. I haven't spoken to anyone who shares "blood" in years. It's honestly better that way.

 

Hugs!

[Katie M]

It's wonderful to meet you, Duncan - and extremely wonderful that your husband is unconditionally supporting you!

 

Hugs!

Katie

[Zelaire]

Nice to meet you, Duncan! And I'll echo the sentiments here: It sounds like you're lucky to have a wonderfully supportive spouse and some great family around you. So very glad to read that. (Also, you're not the only one into comics and illustration here.) 😉 Cheers!

[Freyja Clark Turner]

On 1/21/2022 at 6:41 PM, Vidanjali said:

 

@Freyja Clark Turner I would be intrigued to hear about how you finally learned about your neuro diversity. I can imagine how freeing that must have been. 

Yes, it was totally freeing and my therapist was not surprised at all because of the high correlation between Autism and being Trans.  It was my therapist (who specializes in helping LGBTQ+) who pointed out my likely Autistic traits.  I have always found myself most comfortable around Autistic people, they just "get it."  I had so much discipline (punishment) bestowed on my little butt because I didn't seem to think in the right way or feel the right thing - my parents and most adults kept telling me how to feel and think, and above all, stop telling the naked truth!  That was the one that was worst.  "You don't like Mommy, do you, Dad?"  (Wham bam ....). It was just an observation.  I did learn to hide and only hint at what I was thinking after a while.  Awkward physically in school, I got called all sorts of names (finally, I began to answer to the name "-awesome person-."  Thinking of that today, and having been called that recently, formed my new response, "Thank you!" and if they look puzzled, I just say something good about how they look or how firm their voice is, something like that.  It does confuse them in a gentle way.  The "thank you" is real and genuine, why would it be a bad thing?  My brain doesn't work like many other people.    The last thing that did it, my therapist heard my story and suggested I watch YouTube videos with Autistic people and my goodness, I felt at home!  I heard many versions of my own story!  Then my girlfriend at the time told me that she did think I had a lot of Autistic traits ( and I am a Computer Professor, ha.). 

Freyja

[Vidanjali]

@Freyja Clark Turner thanks for sharing. All my life I've felt intense pressure to be not me because I've implicitly and explicitly gotten so many messages that I am wrong or weird. The process of discovering my queer sexual orientation and gender identity has facilitated my being able to let go of much of my masking and to realize greater self-acceptance. But, more and more I seem to be connecting puzzle pieces which point to aspects of neurodiversity. I'd like to explore this in myself so that I can let go of all the social masks and be me, fully integrated. The stress due to hypervigilance to maintain "myself" as real, acceptable and lovable is too much to bear. I seek to know what's real, so I need to see myself as real first and foremost. I plan to talk with my therapist more about this. I'm very happy for you that you have learned so much about yourself. P.S. I'm a Mathematics Professor, lol. 

[Mmindy]

Good morning @DuncanCathar welcome to TransPulseForums.

Your among fair and caring people here. It is nice that you have the support of your husband, as you your transition. I'm on the other side of the transition scale, and my Suzie was less than excited when I came out to her. Like you I knew at a very early age that I wasn't going to like growing up as society expected. I did the male over compensation thing, and while I was a jock in school. I really wanted to be a gymnast, play volley ball, even be a cheerleader.

 

I know you'll find the support here that you're looking for, and wish you the best.

 

Stay positive, and safe,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Samuel William]

On 2/3/2022 at 1:37 AM, Vidanjali said:

@Freyja Clark TurnerAll my life I've felt intense pressure to be not me because I've implicitly and explicitly gotten so many messages that I am wrong or weird. The process of discovering my queer sexual orientation and gender identity has facilitated my being able to let go of much of my masking and to realize greater self-acceptance. But, more and more I seem to be connecting puzzle pieces which point to aspects of neurodiversity. I'd like to explore this in myself so that I can let go of all the social masks and be me, fully integrated. The stress due to hypervigilance to maintain "myself" as real, acceptable and lovable is too much to bear. I seek to know what's real, so I need to see myself as real first and foremost. 

Oh lord, do I relate to this! At least once a day I find myself trying to figure out what parts of me are ME, and what parts are the person I’ve trained myself to be so that people accept me. It’s a weird feeling, actually not being sure of your own preferences and beliefs - but also (I’m slowly beginning to realise) a thrilling journey of discovery as you begin to work it out. 

[Vidanjali]

@HarryT it's a weird feeling, for sure. For me, I realize my mind is so often occupied by strategizing & preemptively constructing contingencies & analyzing playback of events as far as social presentation/interaction is concerned. I often would have a gnawing feeling like I was being observed, judged and critiqued even when I was by myself. I want to let all that go! I wish you clarity in your self-reflection & courage as you let you be you. 

[Samuel William]

@Vidanjali, ‘being observed, judged and critiqued even when I was by myself’ is basically constant background noise in my head. Is this shirt masculine enough to make me feel right, while still not SO masculine that other people will look at me funny? Can I get away with wearing these pants? Will anyone see the TomboyX logo on my new boxers when they’re drying on the line? 
 

It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

[Vidanjali]

Lol, yes, to say the least it's exhausting @HarryT . It's comforting to know that you're not the only one, though. There seems to be a subtle difference in the feeling of fighting it / withstanding it versus the feeling of practicing skills of letting it go. The former is definitely exhausting, whereas the latter can feel exhausting, but more in the exhausted because I just worked out kind of way - directed effort as opposed to fight or flight mindset.