Confession: I don't hate my body

[Drake]

I feel like there's this narrative that you have to be suffering to be trans. I hear a lot of people bemoaning the disconnect between their bodies and identity, but tbh I don't really hate my body and what I was given. I have no desire to be a woman, but I don't hate what I have. I get a little top dysphoria sometimes, but it's not that bad.

 

What really bothers me is being treated differently. When people see you as a girl, they talk to you in a softer, more high-pitched voice. (Drives me crazy) They also think that they have to change the subject from something 'rude' when I'm around. I don't know how much of this is dysphoria and how much is just being annoyed at people. And their misogyny. That's a fine line for me.

 

But yeah, I didn't really have excruciating gender dysphoria. Any other trans people like this? I get a lot of gender euphoria from expressing myself though. I hid an inner man for a long time, but not anymore.

[KathyLauren]

I think someone has sold you a fairy tale: that you have to hate your body to be trans, and that it’s not really dysphoria if you don’t hate it.  Both are FALSE!!

 

It is very common for the strongest dysphoria a trans person feels is social, rather than physical.  It is no less real than the physical dysphoria that others feel.  And what physical dysphoria many of us feel may be more along the lines of wanting minor adjustments, rather than hatred of the body.

 

Bottom line: your experience is valid and real.  That tired old narrative is a way for the transphobia to tell you you aren’t valid.  But you are, of course!

 

My experience was like yours: My dysphoria was so strongly social that I couldn’t even consider how I felt about my body until I had dealt with the social dysphoria first.

[Sally Stone]

There are transgender folks who wear their suffering like a badge of honor and some who cast aspersions at those of us who are not suffering from dysphoria.  Thankfully, that notion is not as common as it used to be.  I have also been subject to negativity because I am not planning to transition - like I'm not really trans unless I am on the road to transition.  Again, that mindset is no longer a common one in our community.  If anyone still thinks this way, I would say they are misguided.

 

We come in all shapes, sizes, and states of mind.  How we feel and what we believe has no bearing on whether we are trans or if we are trans enough.   I don't suffer from dysphoria, I don't hate my body, and I'm not planning to transition, but hey, I'm trans just the same.  

[Becoming Diana]

The worst dysphoria I feel is having facial and body hair.  Otherwise I don't have a problem with my body.  I'm still trans.  I plan to go on HRT at some point.  Otherwise I don't think I'll want any surgeries.

[Carolyn Marie]

I've never had severe body dysphoria, Drake.  I even asked my first therapist if that meant I wasn't trans.  She assured me that it was not a requirement.  Everyone is different.  I knew in my heart I needed to make this change.  It seems like you know it in your heart, too.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Artpetal]

I have felt body dysphoria as a transwoman. It was very depressing not getting second looks when going out, because you are considered male, not being the right weight/having fat deposits in the wrong places or in the wrong amounts, and don't get me started on being completely ostracized by women who think you must not need any emotional support because you don't seem like one of the girls... Being addressed as "Mr." which is usually a term of respect, but for a transwoman at the beginning of their transition is definitely hurtful and makes you feel like no one can ever see you as yourself... If a person didn't have body dysphoria to begin with these negative interactions can bring it on. That's how it worked with me. Since a young age I knew I was a woman but literally no one in the world other than me ever knew. Not every transwoman reaches the point of realizing how deep the rabbit hole goes, and thank goodness for that, but it was so sad for me when I did. That's when I realized how very, very difficult things can be on us. Maybe it's because women are more social creatures than men but I know for me as a transwoman it's so not fun. So not amusing, so not friendly. I would much rather just be myself at all times in all ways, but because of who I am I have to reach that point manually. It's ok but I don't like it.  

[DonkeySocks]

On 1/26/2022 at 6:25 AM, KathyLauren said:

It is very common for the strongest dysphoria a trans person feels is social, rather than physical.

 

This is definitely true for me. Being gendered correctly is way more important for me than my physical body. Unfortunately, of course, in society there are cues that tell people how to gender a person. I'm all for the trend right now, and I hope it continues, of everyone sharing their preferred pronouns.

[DonkeySocks]

Additionally... I think it's true that setting requirements on what is "trans enough" comes from a place of transphobia, but you'll get it within the community, from internalized transphobia, even from certain unhelpful therapists. And because it is still considered disruptive in our society to change perceived gender, there comes with it a (sometimes internalized) burden of "If you're going to put everyone through that, you'd better really be hurting." We tell kids to do what makes them happy, but some people don't mean it, and they don't know that they don't mean it until their personal line of discomfort is crossed and then they don't want to hear about it.

[Tango]

A common mantra I've used for myself, as someone who does not hate their body, is "being trans is not about hating who you are, it's about loving who you could be."

[Zelaire]

That seems a great mantra to have, Tango!

I've also not felt much physical dysphoria in my life, Drake, (or, at least, don't think I did, but maybe generally feeling myself plain or unattractive is an undiscovered part of it for me?) but the social dysphoria--now that I know that's what it's called--has always been very strong. I can't recall if it was on this site or elsewhere, but I recently found genderdysphoria.fyi and between the articles and their sidebar quotes, learned a lot from it about the ways this manifests. If you haven't come across that site already, maybe you'll find it useful.

[Querencia]

thank you for saying this so succinctly! this is something i have been feeling but don't know how to articulate ❤️

[Vidanjali]

I don't hate my body. I find it challenging because I have a physical disability. But, appearancewise, I'm neutral to positive. If I could snap my fingers and no longer have breasts, that would be cool with me - it would be so much easier to get dressed, and I think I'd look more like how I perceive myself. I don't forecast putting my already challenged body through what I personally would consider cosmetic surgery. (I say "personally" to emphasize that I don't mean to invalidate the experience of those for whom gender affirming surgeries are actually medically necessary.) I used to feel extremely weird and dysphoric about my appearance. But, perhaps ironically, the closer I came to grips with being trans, the more accepting of my appearance I became because whereas in the past the chaotic feelings and reactions I had were scary and inexplicable, these days I have a better understanding of how to relate to the image I see in the mirror - the package I travel about in because I feel freer to exist and express in a way that feels natural to me, rather than forcing myself into all the social and behavioral stuff that folks generally expect from someone shaped like me. 

[Russ Fenrisson]

I think that's the thing bothering me the most: the social aspect. I've been out of the social sphere for years because I fear the possible misgendering or the possibility of being looked at strange if I tell a person my preferred name and try passing as masculine, but don't 100% look the part. It would be great to walk outside without worrying about it, but it's always on my mind.

 

Thank you for addressing this Drake and everyone who has made a post. Over the years as I've explored my identity, my likes and dislikes, much of the anxiety and dysphoria I had before has mostly decreased. The only things that bother me now are my chest and monthlies, but I've been trying to do things to better how I feel about these things. I'm at the point I can look at myself in the mirror and say that I'm a man, or something else, and be totally okay with it. When I stopped focusing so hard on what didn't make me manly, I came to accept it being okay to be whatever I want- my body shouldn't hold me back.

[Trans22]

In hindsight, I can see that I started taking actions to reduce gender (body) dysphoria about 32 years before I accepted that I had been born with a female mind.  Despite loving some parts of my body (e.g., my legs, which I shaved regularly), I avoided looking at myself in mirrors or photos.

I'd only been trialing living authentically in private for about 4 months (~9 months before HRT) when I first noticed myself smiling in response to looking at myself in the mirror.  It wasn't long before I realized that I was smiling at myself almost every time I looked in the mirror.  This of course led to my re-questioning whether I was "trans enough".   Despite this I came out and started living authentically on 1-Jun-2022.  My gender psychologist told me that my face "glowed" every time I talked about my new life near the end of my first session with her (on 6-Jun, I think).

Saying that HRT reduced my gender dysphoria is an understatement - HRT smashed my gender dyshporia.  I've removed the addition of "body" here, because I view gender dysphoria as being about mental state too.  I cannot express, in words, how wonderful it felt to cast all "try to be male shackles" off my mind - something that I realized about a month after starting HRT.  By this time, my hair was shoulder length and I had very little, visible facial hair thanks to electrolysis.  A trip to a local beach wearing a one piece, female swimsuit highlighted the fact that my genital dysphoria was still strong but I'm comfortable with the rest of my body.  I'm even comfortable with my natural voice, which is more androgynous than male.

Despite my continued dreams of having a female body, I'm questioning whether my dysphoria is strong enough to warrant bottom surgery (costly and painful).

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I don't really hate my body... I don't really like it either.  I think I like it more now than I used to.  I'm not sure if the discomfort I feel with myself is dysphoria exactly.  More like discomfort with what people expect me to be.  That discomfort has been significantly reduced with what are actually small changes.  Not going to get any surgeries or even large amounts of systemic HRT.  Just a little modification here and there. 

 

I can accept the majority of my body as-is because my partners let me be who I am.  They think I'm cute, so I go with their opinion rather than my own less-positive one.  

 

Part of my discomfort recently is a feeling that I'm not "trans enough."  As in, "real" trans people want surgeries and extensive changes, and I don't...so are my feelings valid?  One of the best things in my life has been making friends with a trans girl.  She's kind of like me, and while she's done HRT she isn't interested in surgical options.  Intersex-ness and Trans-ness aren't some kind of package deal you have to buy, unlike how it is portrayed in the media.

 

 

[Trans22]

2 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Intersex-ness and Trans-ness aren't some kind of package deal you have to buy, unlike how it is portrayed in the media

Agree.  I'd be a lot better off, financially, had I been a cis-gender male though.

[Vidanjali]

8 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Part of my discomfort recently is a feeling that I'm not "trans enough."  As in, "real" trans people want surgeries and extensive changes, and I don't...so are my feelings valid? 

 

A transgender person is trans because they don't identify with their sex assigned at birth (with the understanding that with intersex folks, sex assigned at birth may or may not be straightforward, depending on conditions). Transgender does not necessarily imply desire to transition - two different "trans" words. I think the media also convinces many of us that the two trans words are, if not synonymous, then necessarily linked. But, there are so many ways to be trans. There are many trans people who do not desire to medically transition, and they are all valid. They don't get as much (or really any) attention from media, so we are led to believe trans is much more, say, dramatic than it is in very many cases.

 

Transgender is more about your perception and beliefs about yourself, your roles, and and your relationship with your body and how you present, express, and are perceived within society given its cultural norms and nuances. Sometimes that entails seeking surgeries and extensive changes, and sometimes not. It is itself highly nuanced and individualized. 

[Astrid]

1 hour ago, Vidanjali said:

 

A transgender person is trans because they don't identify with their sex assigned at birth (with the understanding that with intersex folks, sex assigned at birth may or may not be straightforward, depending on conditions). Transgender does not necessarily imply desire to transition - two different "trans" words. I think the media also convinces many of us that the two trans words are, if not synonymous, then necessarily linked. But, there are so many ways to be trans. There are many trans people who do not desire to medically transition, and they are all valid. They don't get as much (or really any) attention from media, so we are led to believe trans is much more, say, dramatic than it is in very many cases.

 

Transgender is more about your perception and beliefs about yourself, your roles, and and your relationship with your body and how you present, express, and are perceived within society given its cultural norms and nuances. Sometimes that entails seeking surgeries and extensive changes, and sometimes not. It is itself highly nuanced and individualized. 

 

Such a beautifully written description, @Vidanjali!  This exactly characterizes what it means for me, who identifies as "trans non-binary".  I do not seek transition from one binary to another binary.  My (currently) three years of HRT with estrogen is, for me, an essential action that has really helped to align my mind with my body and experience what it means to be just that: non-binary.  I am happiest when I am in the middle.  To make up a word on the spot, maybe I'm "mid-gendered".

 

To amplify your point on media attention or lack thereof, my non-binary news feeds, when they occur, often focus on a small aspect of non-binary-ness: who came out as non-binary (and any reaction to it); or yet another Non-Binary 101 article.  Seldom do I see in-depth articles that probe at length into someone's (highly individualized) story of how they came to be non-binary.  There is much for everyone to learn about the what, why, how, etc. of non-binary.  Through learning comes the hope of better acceptance.

 

Astrid

 

 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

22 hours ago, Trans22 said:

Agree.  I'd be a lot better off, financially, had I been a cis-gender male though.

Interesting... in what way?  

 

I think that if I had been a cisgender male, I would be a lot less well off.  It wouldn't have changed my career...but having to provide for myself would have taken everything I make.  

 

@Vidanjali I think they don't give a lot of thought to assigning sex at birth.  Got somethin' sticking out, its a boy.  No? Its a girl.  Nobody gave me a second look for 30+ years.  My secrets were buried, even from myself.  

 

I suppose I derive a ton of benefits from having only limited interaction with society.  My role has mostly lacked definition, and the expectations for how I present myself don't go much farther than "don't walk around naked."  But sometimes I think it might be easier to be told what to do instead of having so much of my life as an open-ended question.  I was shocked that my husband wasn't insistant on me remaining as a girl.  Happy, but also uncomfortable that I have to do the deciding.  

[Trans22]

25 minutes ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Interesting... in what way?  

Being transgender has cost me a lot of money, obviously transition isn't cheap (averaging out costs, I'm paying about AU$1,400/month).  Even before realization, there were significant indirect costs - e.g., I wasted a huge amount of money trying to ease my enduring, severe depression.

[Vidanjali]

9 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

 

@Vidanjali I think they don't give a lot of thought to assigning sex at birth.  Got somethin' sticking out, its a boy.  No? Its a girl.

 

Indeed, they do not. And at worst, when the sticking out parts do cause them to think, they engage in medical abuse. There are organizations devoted to stopping such practices, but we have a long way to go to understanding and accepting the actual scale of gender/sex diversity. 

 

23 hours ago, Astrid said:

 

Such a beautifully written description, @Vidanjali!  This exactly characterizes what it means for me, who identifies as "trans non-binary".  I do not seek transition from one binary to another binary.  My (currently) three years of HRT with estrogen is, for me, an essential action that has really helped to align my mind with my body and experience what it means to be just that: non-binary.  I am happiest when I am in the middle.  To make up a word on the spot, maybe I'm "mid-gendered".

 

To amplify your point on media attention or lack thereof, my non-binary news feeds, when they occur, often focus on a small aspect of non-binary-ness: who came out as non-binary (and any reaction to it); or yet another Non-Binary 101 article.  Seldom do I see in-depth articles that probe at length into someone's (highly individualized) story of how they came to be non-binary.  There is much for everyone to learn about the what, why, how, etc. of non-binary.  Through learning comes the hope of better acceptance.

 

Astrid

 

 

 

@Astrid 😊 perhaps a nonbinary story anthology shall be forthcoming. 

[Davie]

7 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

@Astrid 😊 perhaps a nonbinary story anthology shall be forthcoming. 

I would love to see that. I would love to contribute to that. Keep in touch.

— Davie

[awkward-yet-sweet]

11 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

Indeed, they do not. And at worst, when the sticking out parts do cause them to think, they engage in medical abuse.

Oh yeah.  They suggested that to me, actually, just seeing me as a poorly formed cis female.  I guess I was lucky things didn't appear odd until I had a voice.  The doctors I saw as a teenager only had the suggestion, "Well we could get you in touch with a surgeon who can trim that up for you."  No thanks.... 

 

Of course my mother spent 10+ years reminding me how nobody would want me or marry me, and if I did manage to "con" a guy into marrying me I should make sure to have my wedding night with the lights off, and he'd probably end up divorcing me anyways.   🙄  

 

Nope, never really hated my body even with all of that.  I just hated some people's reaction to it. 

 

[Astrid]

12 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

😊 perhaps a nonbinary story anthology shall be forthcoming. 

What a lovely thought!  I'd like to pre-order it now, even if it doesn't yet exist 🙂

[Spencer Phoenix]

Honestly, my feelings about my own body fluctuate from day to day. Some days I just wish that I could snap my fingers and have had top surgery and be several years into taking t. Other days, I honestly don't mind what I have. Objectively, I have a decent body in the sense that it functions as it should for the most part. It's a nice, fairly average body. I think the disconnect comes in when it doesn't feel like my body. I can appreciate the body that I currently have even though it doesn't really feel like mine, if that makes any sense.