Being trans without being out (yet)

[Samuel William]

So here’s where I’m at right now: I’ve come to terms with the idea of being trans and I’m exploring ways to feel better about myself, my gender identity, and my body. For a variety of reasons, I’m not currently able to be ‘out’ as trans or to begin the process of publicly living as male. I hope to get there one day, but realistically I probably need to move and get a new job before I can even consider it, so ‘one day’ is not coming any time soon. 
 

My current project is finding ways to feel like the man that I am without tipping off the people around me to what I’m doing (not ideal, but we do what we do). Wearing boxers has been glorious; I’ve found a male deodorant that I really like that has a subtle cedar wood scent; and I’ve switched from standard bras to compression tops (which hasn’t changed the appearance of my chest quite as much as I would have liked but feels so much better as I go about my day). This all feels good, but it also doesn’t feel like enough. I feel like acknowledging to myself that I’m trans has opened the floodgates, and there’s an impatient guy inside of me who’s desperate to express himself. I’m not quite sure what to do next to continue growing into my true self, other than saving like mad to get myself into a living situation where transitioning publicly is a viable option. 
 

In a way, I know I’m fortunate; it’s easier for me to have short hair and wear jeans without publicly transitioning than, say, it would be for a Mtf trans person to grow her hair out and wear a dress. I do feel like I’m stalling, though - I’ve made a few great changes, but I don’t know what to do next that will keep things moving forward and continue to improve the way I feel walking around in a body that doesn’t match who I really am. 
 

Is anyone else in the same boat? How do you go about honouring your trans reality while maintaining a facade that keeps you safe until you’re ready/able to take the next step and actually publicly transition?

[Jani]

Hello Harry!  You are correct about having made a few great changes in your life.  Finances and work life sometimes do get in the way of moving forward so you're not alone in that.  While admittedly I am not in that situation I can relate and commiserate.  As you note wearing your hair short and the clothes you want is so much easier for a guy than a gal to do.  So there is value in that.  You mention it feels good but doesn't feel enough.  I don't have a good answer other than you are in good company as many LGBT folks live in this same situation.  I suppose the best response is to make the most of this time by listening and learning.  I recall early on in transition breaking down when I realized this was hard to do.  You can only learn or figure out so much from the outside.  Now that you are on the "inside" and have accepted yourself move your mindset away from the feminine and more towards the masculine.  Do you have the ability to join a new social circle that might be inhabited by people involved in the masculine things that interest you?  I'm thinking maybe golf, hiking, fishing, or joining a motor club.  You should look for some place where you can be true to yourself without endangering your current job or security.

 

Cheers, Jani

 

 

[Gabriel]

Hi Harry. @Jani makes excellent points. Meeting new people doing things you like and introducing yourself as who you really are is scary, but also a huge step that can support you.

 

Maybe another thing to alleviate the tension is doing something that is taking you closer to change the situation that restricts you. Like looking for a new job or planing the steps you need to take to change your living situation. When you break down the insurmountable mountain into a series of steps, and then break down the first step into baby steps and take the first one, then you are already moving and it feels way better, even if it is tiny. By the way, even those tiny baby steps can be really scary. If you wait to feel certain you may be forever stuck.

Your safety is always first though, so take care of yourself.

[Janae]

13 hours ago, HarryT said:

This all feels good, but it also doesn’t feel like enough

I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes we want to get to “the finish line” super quick. What really helps me, is to take time ( and sometimes it can be multiple times in a day) to remember that I love myself, I love who I am, and reflect on how far and the progress made to date.  When you do that, things don’t seem so bad after all. Small bites of the apple eventually get the task completed.  Take time to Celebrate and savor each bite.

 

Hugs

 

Janae

[EvenTheArtist]

I can super relate. I just came out the other day after years of having to hide the fact I was trans (party because my old city wasn't LGBT+ friendly). So I totally get the struggle of knowing and wanting to do things to make yourself feel better, but not being able to do a lot outwardly. Buying cloths and products that are male, as well as getting a more masculine haircut are a good start. I did that early on because it was easy to excuse as just being more comfortable or having a "tomboy" fashion style. Something else that really helped me was playing online games or joining online communities that included avatars. This allowed me to pick a male avatar, use my chosen name and pronouns, and be known as my true self to anyone I befriended on theos sites. It was super validating and really helped my dysphoria, to actually have people who knew me as male and called me he. But was also super safe, because they were games none of my friends played or even knew about in some cases; so no one irl knew about my secret online male life lol

[Samuel William]

@EvenTheArtist, funny you should say that. I just this week picked up my old World of Warcraft account and made a new, male character to play with. When I played previously, I wanted a male character, but I was playing with people I knew offline who I knew would hassle me about it, so my old character was female. None of those people play any more, though, so I’ve spent the last few evenings roaming blissfully around as a male dwarf and enjoying the game play. 
 

@Jani, joining a club reflecting my more masculine interests is an awesome idea - definitely going to look into that further. I used to love hiking, and I’ve always wanted to try martial arts, basketball, and also drumming. Plus I’ve been dying to go watch an ice hockey game after reading a novel featuring ice hockey players (not a big thing here in Australia, but there are a handful of teams). All of those are things I’ve sort of wanted to do for ages but been reluctant to pursue because they don’t really match the persona I’ve been hiding behind for so long. 

[ashsfire]

I'm right there with you, HarryT. Sometimes life just really gets in the way of the things we need to do for ourselves. I've got several years before I can break out of the little box I'm living in, but it's definitely taught me a lot of patience and what they mean by "biding your time."

 

Right now I wear guy's clothes, have a masculine haircut and let me tell you, packers are a great thing sometimes. They can be discreet, give you a sense that you have something "down there" and no one else will ever know. If that's your thing, of course. I know some people are totally fine with what they've got, and more power to them. I also workout a lot, which feels great, and have done a ton of exploring in my own head to figure out what kinds of things or places make me feel truly me. For me, that's going out and getting dirty, hiking, camping, swimming, just being outdoors no matter what. Maybe you can find something like that within your own interests?

 

I really like all the suggestions everyone has given already about things to do to help you feel more like your true self. I'd like to add a couple things, one of which is to keep talking about this with people, either on this site or somewhere else. There's something extremely powerful and comforting about being able to speak openly about these things.

 

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All of those are things I’ve sort of wanted to do for ages but been reluctant to pursue because they don’t really match the persona I’ve been hiding behind for so long.

 

This is the second thing I'd like to add. DO IT! TOTALLY DO IT! No matter what persona you're rocking at the moment, anyone should be allowed to expand their interests and explore, and that shouldn't mark you as "trans" just because you want to watch ice hockey or play the drums. That marks you as someone who wants to expand their horizons, and that's an awesome thing.

 

I feel like I'm on my soapbox right now, so sorry if it sounds that way 😅

[Samuel William]

@ashsfire, no soapbox at all - it’s nice just to know there are other people in the same boat. I’m intrigued by the idea of a discreet packer worn out and about - I’ve been using one when I’m home alone and find it weirdly soothing, but kinda had it in my head that the point was to provide a ‘bulge’ so have been VERY careful not to wear it around anyone else. Some experimentation is definitely in order there (and some better packing underwear - bit too much slippage in the pair I have at present for me to be comfortable wearing it in public 😂). 
 

Working out is another great suggestion. I used to have pretty good upper body/arm strength and have let that lapse considerably in the last few years - totally reasonable for anyone to start a new work out regime, though! And you’re right - anyone can go to an ice hockey game (well, assuming pandemic concerns don’t keep getting things postponed….). If nothing else, having a go at some of these things with give me practice in getting out of my comfort zone so that when the time does come to transition publicly, I’m used to it. 

[ashsfire]

37 minutes ago, HarryT said:

I’ve been using one when I’m home alone and find it weirdly soothing, but kinda had it in my head that the point was to provide a ‘bulge’ so have been VERY careful not to wear it around anyone else

I think you're right, because some packers are designed specifically to provide that nice little bulge, but I've found that some are much smaller and more discreet, and when worn with the right pair of pants (somewhat loose, not skinny jeans or something) it's not really noticeable. At least this has been my experience. I definitely spent a lot of time walking around the house in random pairs of pants and staring at mirrors going, is this noticeable? 😆 Or, as my partner pointed out to me, if you're not drawing attention to yourself "down there" and you're going about business as usual, chances are people aren't going to be doing much staring "down there."

 

And just as a random thought that is completely unrelated: have you paid much attention to how you hold yourself, and how others carry themselves? I actually had an anthropology professor point this out to me years and years ago. She had us all freeze in place at our desks and look around the room at how everyone was sitting, as in posture, sitting position, how their legs and arms were positioned, etc as a way to see what kind of subtle social conditioning everyone has. It was actually really interesting to me because most women sat with a fairly closed in type manner (legs crossed or together, arms crossed or together/hugging themselves, leaning forward) and most men sat in what I fondly refer to as "the sprawl" (arms hanging loose or resting on the desk, chest more open, legs uncrossed, usually lounging back in their chair). I've noticed this is a common trend in the general world and make it a point to sit/stand/hold myself in a more male way which helps me feel like my true self without really making it too obvious to others around me. Have you given that a try? Maybe it would help a bit?

[Samuel William]

@ashsfire, I did some reading and surfing YouTube, looking for ideas on how to use more masculine body language. Turns out I’ve been doing that pretty much as long as I can remember - the way I stand, sit, and walk is apparently pretty masculine already.  Made me feel really validated when I read that, because what feels natural and comfortable to me matches who I am inside!

 

Incidentally, the other thing I discovered recently (more or less by accident!) that’s enormously validating is reading trans memoirs/biographies. I picked up ‘This One Looks Like A Boy’ as part of this year’s Book Riot Read Harder Challenge, and so much of what the author says about his experiences growing up resonates with me. I think probably a lot of trans folk grow up assuming they’re the only one who feels that way, and hiding who they are so that no one realises they’re ‘broken.’ I know I went through a long period of trying to navigate a way to be female which felt authentic to me, before an explosion of clarity in the last six months or so finally made me realise that there IS no authentic way for me to be a woman. 

 

Hopefully this is changing now, but certainly when I was a kid in the 1980s and 1990s, trans representation in children’s books and TV shows wasn’t a thing. Reading the stories of people who have had similar experiences is eye-opening and heart-warming and bittersweet, because if I knew 20 years ago what I know now, how very, very different my life might look. 

[Samuel William]

Thanks again to everyone who made suggestions on this post. I’ve been taking time over the past few weeks to start digging deeper into the wealth of knowledge out there about gender identities and gender expression, 

and gradually coming to view this journey as a long, steady one rather than a mad dash to the finish line. That, more than anything, is helping me find my feet!

 
A few other things that I’ve done which have helped me….

• Started a checklist for what I need to do to move myself to a setting where I can be more authentically myself

• Set up an email address under the name I think will become my legal name when I officially transition (and social media accounts, although Facebook promptly shut me down for ‘breaching community guidelines’ - still not sure how that happened)

• Cleared out my wardrobe to get rid of clothes which make me feel dysphoric - including certain pairs of socks, which I didn’t even realise was a possible trigger for dysphoria!

• Signed up to the mailing list of an online FtM group in my state

• Joined an online personal training service which is specifically targeted at people who don’t fit the standard gendered binary, with a transmasc nonbinary personal trainer who has expertise in what exercise can and can’t do to create a more masculine body shape

 

Some days, it still doesn’t feel like enough, but just knowing that I am making progress and putting changes in place feels very affirming.