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Questioning: nonbinary or something else?


Kajetan

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Hi, I'm new here. I've been questioning my gender identity for several years (I'm afab). At first, I thought I was just born in the wrong body and that I was a trans man. I was quite young at that time, and after some time of thinking I just rejected the idea, thinking I was exasperating some of my feelings and that I was lying to myself.

However, the discomfort my feminine body gives me never disappeared, it went actually stronger. Just a couple of years ago, I discovered the term "non-binary" and I instantly thought that was definitely my case. But, I'm not truly sure. I don't even know why I try so hard to find a term that suits me and why I just leave the things be how they are.

If I could choose my biological gender, I'd choose to be born in a male body. I feel like I want really hard to be a man, but since that's not what nature gives me, I also feel like it's something I will never change and that's nothing I can truly do. I know this is not what I would think about someone else in a similar situation, but that's how I feel. 

Despite these feelings, I don't want to transition or to change permanently my body. And I hate, hate my body and here there is a conflict between these two sides of me. I hate it but I don't want to change it. I would strongly like to accept my body as it is. Why can't I just accept I'm a woman?

Do you have some input about the subject? I even wonder if my sensations are more related with being non binary or if they fall more in the trans male area. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Try modyfing your appearance so it suits you best. Try binding, dressing in masculine ways, acting like masculine ways etc. But not too much. If you want to be demi (the term for being partially a gender, that for me, it is what you are feeling) don't be totally masculine. Your appearance needs to be a mix. Hope this advice helps you 😀
Binding: https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Binding
Demigender: https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Demigender

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Hi & welcome @Kajetan . Sorry for the delayed greetings. I think trying to accept your body, and trying to accept you're a woman are two distinct things; one does not necessarily imply the other. At least that's what I've found. I do not accept I'm a woman although my birth certificate says F. However, I have gained gradual, greater acceptance of my body. It just happens to be the package I'm in, and it doesn't mean I have to act/dress/express/feel/believe in certain ways; it just means that's the form I've taken. 

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