I would like some assistance with figuring myself out

[Chaotic Historian]

Sorry, for bothering all of yall, but well I've been struggling with this for the past two to three years, so I'll lay it all out. Also, sorry if I mess up any terms, I'm still learning

Since I was a child (AMAB) I've had this desire to see and feel what it would be like to be a girl (physically) and occasionally I would ask my parents to pretend I was a girl for like a day so I could feel like a girl. This desire has stayed with me, although it was suppressed until junior high where I asked my mother to let me get female underwear so I could again see what it was like to be a girl. I don't remember when I started doing this, but I would also slip in what I referred to as a "Girl Mode", basically pretend I was a girl in my head while was in class or in the privacy of my bedroom. It's only been since I've graduated my high school where I've truly began to question my gender identity. I've started to try crossdressing which I really enjoy, and I've talked to my friends about this one of which is sort of in the same boat, I told them this and they said it was the same experience for them. I've talked to my therapist, who suggested I join a support group and that how I ended up finding this site. But now when I look deep into myself, I find I'm alright with my male identity but at the same time I have this female persona I like to slip into and from time to time I think that I really wish I was just a girl. So, what's up with me? Am I trans or I just messed up in the head and I drawing connection where there aren't any and throwing weight to something that I'm not? (Sorry that this is so long just wanted all the info to be out to help figure this out)

[Sally Stone]

7 hours ago, Chaotic Historian said:

Am I trans or I just messed up in the head

I'd say you are trans and clearly not messed up.  I also happen to feel the way you feel, that I'm okay being male, but I also have an intense need to express a strong feminine side.  It took me years to understand my internal feelings and to accept that it's okay to express both sides of my personality.  

 

I think what is important, is to understand that each of makes a long journey to self discovery and the path we take is a unique one.  I'd say listen to your feelings and follow your heart.  Things may change along the way, or like me, your feelings might stay pretty much the same.  Remember that this is your journey, so don't feel bad if it differs from others.  

 

And finally, welcome to this forum.  Everyone here is wonderful and so supportive.  I think you'll find this is great place to hang out.

[Delcina B]

Welcome @Chaotic Historian! Glad you're here. In my short journey exploring my femme I've found for me gender is a spectrum. I can be at any point on it, or even change at times. In this forum I've found wonderful support, advice & acceptance to help guide me; I think you'll find these here too. Another big help was a book You & Your Gender Identity by Dara Hoffman Fox. They read it on YouTube as well.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Liana]

You can be both... You can be anything you want.. I have the same thoughts sometimes if iam messed up or not but at the end of the day I feel well with my self and I think this is the only thing that matters... And  when as you successfully said.. slip in that persona I feel relaxed and happy. You can try to combine them.. Be both of them at the same time.. 

Kisses for Greece. 

Liana. 

[Ivy]

Welcome Chaotic Historian. 

[KathyLauren]

On 2/25/2022 at 9:18 AM, Sally Stone said:

I'd say you are trans and clearly not messed up. 

I would agree with this.  You don't sound at all messed-up to me.  But it can be confusing, especially at first.

 

There is all kinds of variety to trans-ness.  It is not for us to tell you which variety you are.  You will have to work that out for yourself, with the help of a gender therapist.  And changing your mind is allowed.

 

Some possibilities:

- Maybe you are binary trans female, but familiarity still gives the male presentation some appeal.

- Maybe you are gender-fluid.

- Maybe you are bigender.

 

I have a friend who called herself gender-fluid.  But, after trying that on for a year or two, she realized that she was bi-gender.  Only two presentations appealed to her: traditional male and traditional female.  It is not that her gender identity changed, but her understanding of it grew clearer.

 

That is allowed!  It is all about discovering who you are.

[Samuel William]

I don’t think you’re ‘messed up’ at all; I think we live in a society that insists on cramming all of us into one of two boxes (born-with-a-penis-male or born-with-a-vagina-female), when in reality many of us don’t fit those categories or the stereotypes that often accompany them. 
 

Frustratingly, though, no one else can tell you exactly who/what you are. Only you can do that, and there are days when that feels freaking hard. It’s also pretty liberating, though - this is something you get to work through and decide for yourself. No one else gets an opinion on how you experience your gender. 
 

I’d suggest working through some books which explore gender, and thinking about what feels right to you. 

[Charlize]

Welcome Chaotic,

  Simply questioning your gender moves you away from being cis gender.  Many people never question.  I like to joke by saying "They can't help it, they were born that way."  

   Finding my path took time.  Being here, reading and sharing with others helped me a great deal.  My therapist did as well.  We all have our own journey.  There is no perfect path to finding oneself.   Being with others certainly helps and for me simply knowing i wasn't alone was very helpful.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize