Struggling with some of my old views/prejudices

[Roach]

Hello everyone, here is something I have been thinking about recently.
 

Growing up, I ended up befriending a variety of people that consider themselves queer. (That’s what they would call themselves, sorry if anyone has issue with the word.) I’ve always been supportive and respectful, but for some reason I could never bring myself to admit to them that I was a closeted trans person.

 

Recently I was thinking back on this time. While talking with someone, I mentioned that back then I didn’t want my friends to associate themselves with me. (To clarify, I don’t mean I wouldn’t spend time with them, rather that I’d prefer if they considered themselves separate from me. As if I was some kind of “other” to their group.) We were pretty clearly in the same demographic here, this group even included other trans guys. Why wouldn’t I want to find some kind of kinship or community? Was I “ashamed” of this?

 

I guess back then I had the thought of “I don’t want to be a trans guy, I just want to be a guy.” This line of thinking isn’t very helpful. Any tips for me to get over myself?

 

Thanks everyone! Also, let me know if this is in the wrong section of the forum.

[Samuel William]

Hi @Roach! I can really relate to that feeling of wanting to be ‘just a guy,’ not a ‘trans guy,’ and struggling to push aside all the negative associations that come with that idea. In my head, I know trans guys and cos guys are both ‘real’ men, but making myself believe that is an ongoing battle. 
 

One thing I’m finding helpful is doing some work around actually understanding gender. I don’t know about you, but I grew up surrounded by the idea that sex/gender were tightly interlocked, with your physical sex organs leading to the gender roles you then took on, and with the male/female binary seen as ‘commonsense.’ I think my ongoing tendency to see cos guys as ‘real’ and trans guys like myself as ‘second best’ is tied to that outdated, inaccurate view of the world. After all, if you follow that (incorrect) logic, it makes sense that if sex = physical and gender roles = linked to physical sex, then trans guys aren’t ‘real’ in the way that cis guys are. I feel like it’s that underlying set of assumptions about how sex/gender work that leads me to wrestling with this issue of ‘real.’

 

With that in mind, my current goal is to read up on more nuanced, modern ways of seeing and understanding gender. I figure if I increase my worldview to really grasp that there isn’t just one way of ‘doing’ gender or ‘being’ male, then I’ll be able to see my own masculinity more clearly. 
 

I hope that makes sense - everything is still a bit tangled in my head, but gradually starting to come clear for me. Hopefully it does for you, too. 

[Roach]

I appreciate the response Samuel. You bring up a lot of interesting points. I’ll do some more thinking about this. Hope things do clear up for you, as well.