I misgendered myself today

[Samuel William]

Hi all,

 

Feeling a bit weird about this, and just wanted to get my thoughts/feelings down to help me process them. 
 

For context: I’m a trans man, not out to anyone in my offline life. I’m a teacher, working with 6 year olds. I’ve noticed that, interestingly, the less mature/less socially savvy ones tend to gender me correctly, assuming that I’m male. Others ‘know’ I’m female because they call me ‘Miss’. (I’ve actually heard two separate children give that explanation to assorted classmates in the last month - ‘No, she’s not a boy. It’s Mister if it’s a boy.’)

 

Anyway, so I was sitting at a table with a small group of kiddos, one of whom started randomly figuring out how many boys and how many girls were in the group. The other kids got into it, but got confused when they tried to park me in one rally or the other. Being six, one just flat out asked me - ‘Are you a boy or a girl?’ (Something I get asked fairly often by young kids, bless them). 
 

I’ve answered that question dozens of times, but this time felt weird. Wrong. Normally I just answer them with the public version and move briskly on, and that’s what I ended up doing today, but with a painfully clear voice in my head saying You just misgendered yourself. 

 

I couldn’t exactly out myself to a bunch of first graders when literally no one knows I’m trans. I know it’s not the right time or place for that, and that I have at least 12 more months of saving until I’m in a financial position where I can safely move to an area and a job where I have more freedom to be Samuel. I know I made a practical choice today, and I know it’s one I’m likely to have to make again before my waiting-to-transition period is over. 
 

But I still feel like I lied to a six year old today - one who sees me more accurately than most adults do, at that. 
 

Has anyone else found themselves in a position like this? How did you cope with the discomfort of knowingly and deliberately misgendering yourself in order to just get through the day?

[JaniceZ]

Hello Samuel.  It is never easy telling a white lie, one that happens to be convenient in a particular situation, but is totally against one's principles.  You did the right thing.  Sometimes one needs to see the bigger picture and that may mean doing something morally wrong in your mind, in order to not create confusion in the minds of young people who are not fully equipped to deal with a difficult topic: one that society itself has difficulty understanding.  It's akin to telling someone dying of cancer that everything is going to be alright. There's nothing alright about dying from cancer or any other terminal illness.  But by consoling them at a most difficult moment in their lives you show empathy.  You show that you care.  You are discovering who you are and when you are truly secure in your own identity, you will have no problem telling anyone your gender.

 

Good luck to you Samuel!

 

This may be my last post on Transgender Pulse.  I have decided in mid February that I will not continue transitioning.  I cannot say what caused the reversal, but this I will say.  Since the beginning of December 2021, my endocrinologist adjusted upwards my estrogen and spironolactone and since that time, my desire to transition continued to decrease until, by the end of January, I was forcing myself to continue taking the medications and I finally stopped all together in mid February with my teams full awareness and support.  Right now I am happy with myself.  I have even purchased a unicycle from Ebay which should be arriving on Wednesday.  The curious ones can chew on that for a while.

 

If, indeed, this is my last post, I am very grateful to everyone here for their kindness and support.  I have enjoyed the ride.  I learned a lot, and was intrigued by some of the thoughtfulness and cleverness of some here.  I wish everyone happiness on their journeys.😀

[DeeDee]

Samuel, while I haven't been asked outright by anyone I feel your pain at this. My 8 yr old God daughter asks a new random question every time I see her as she is still getting used to seeing me in wigs, and she is loud!

Once I accepted who I am, I was suddenly hyper aware of the number of times a day when people were calling me brother, bro, dude, man, and all sorts of other heavily masculine words. I had to smile and nod because none of them knew who I was, thew hardest ones have ben those I have told, but because I am not full time yet they do not seem to make the effort, just claiming it will take time - when what it feels like to me is just that they can't be bothered. I have had to misgender myself on many forms since, but take heart in the fact that I will be able to do something about this soon, I too am waiting to move my work into a more open area before coming out full time.  Everyone who transitions has to go through the in between stage of not quite being all of one thing or the other in society, hopefully it will be short for you and then the "sir's", and "Mister's" will soon follow.

🙂