New dysphoria unlocked

[neo3000]

TW mentions of sex, nothing NSFW. Really just looking for comfort.

 

Hello, 

 

Well, the title is a bit misleading. It was just something I avoided in a long time. 

 

Basically I slept with my partner for the first time, and as beautiful as it was, my brain started being a little bit annoying. I couldn't fully undress, and surprisingly, the top part of my body bothered me less than the bottom part. But the bottom part was... too real. At some point, I told her I wasn't feeling that great, and told her I wish my body wasn't like this (it was too sappy and I really didn't want to bother her with this, especially since she's cis and can't relate on this specific part). She comforted me and we agreed to do certain things a certain way, and it was fun, it really was, but the next morning all I could tell myself is "I wish I was man".

 

This is contradictory cause I know I am a man, it's more like, I wish I had something between my legs and nothing on my chest. 

 

I feel like the more I go on on life, the more dysphoric I get. I have thought about ending it all many times, the only reason I'm still alive is thanks to her. However, I can no longer tolerate being around cis men. I get incredibly jealous, when it's nothing none of us can control. 

 

Transitioning now is not an option either, and if it ever is it will come with a really high cost (socially speaking, it will completely disrupt the family). I'm 21, and I'm already tired of it all. I've tried many times to "detransition" (live by my old name and pronouns) but I no longer want to cause there is no doubt I am a man. How long can I keep playing this game? As mystical as it can sound, having a soul that doesn't match its vessel is really draining. 

[Vidanjali]

@neo3000 I hope to offer you comfort. I believe you'll find safe and satisfying ways to connect intimately with your partner and with yourself. From a mystical point of view, it's said that with the right attitude, one can appreciate every circumstance as a gift. Gender dysphoria hardly seems like a gift, and it doesn't seem fair that it's up to us to find and practice that attitude. We often wish life wouldn't have to be so seemingly relentlessly challenging. We cry out - why am I the one who has to be so strong and so resilient? When will I have comfort and contentment? It does drive us, whether we like it or not. Do not despair. I hope somehow, some way, you will find increasingly many moments of joy in your heart.