Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Highs and lows


Deseret P

Recommended Posts

Hi. It’s literally my second day on here and  I wanted to ask everyone if they’ve experienced something similar to what I’ve been going through lately. I’m not out to ANYONE as a trans yet. My biggest step is that I’ve reached out to some gender therapists mainly to talk to someone about what I’ve been feeling and seeing how I want to go about it. Still waiting for the replies though. It’s all fresh. I dress full feminine and work on my voice when I’m at home. Anyway, throughout the day I’ll have moments where I feel free and liberated and really really wonderful, then there will be a shift where I’ll feel really guilty and trapped and scared and I’ll go back and forth. I was getting so frustrated with the crazy anxious emotions that I even put all my make up and feminine clothes on a bag and planned on throwing it all away and seeing if I could go a day without it. Sure enough I stopped myself and took all of the clothes and make up out and am so happy I didn’t. But that’s it my emotions are all over the place and it’s up and down all day. Anyone else experienced this? Sorry it was so long. Thanks ❤️ 

Link to comment

I think you are really feeling 'normal' early transition stuff, and I can relate to wanting the purging, as I went through this cycle for YEARS and tossed out soo much stuff, even stuff I made and spent time and work on. It's all a process of self-acceptance and it is not easy and it takes time. I had a LOT of fear and anxiety. Great you have reached out to therapists and here and hopefully sharing takes a bit of the load off.  

Link to comment

Thank you so much! I was sitting and waiting for someone to tell me it’s normal. Did you ever say to yourself “wait what are you doing this is nuts?” And then when you’re all dolled up a few minutes later tell yourself “this is perfect and I’m so comfortable.” 

Link to comment
26 minutes ago, Deseret P said:

Thank you so much! I was sitting and waiting for someone to tell me it’s normal. Did you ever say to yourself “wait what are you doing this is nuts?” And then when you’re all dolled up a few minutes later tell yourself “this is perfect and I’m so comfortable.” 

Yes, what you are describing could be internalized transphobia, or confronting society's conditioning. 

 

Dr. Z on YouTube covers a great many topics, that I am sure you may find a few can help, wherever you may be in your journey. 

DR Z PHD - YouTube

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I don't remember all the purges i suffered through as i tried to cure myself of being myself.  It always came back.  Time , prayer, work and a family didn't change me so i finally accepted myself.  I don't really know what "normal" is but my washing machine has one.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

I recommend Dr Z too.

 

And welcome 

 

I had my own moments of panic when I was just starting to accept myself and take my first steps.

Link to comment

Over my time of actively considering transition, I've probably purged more than a half-dozen times. I believe I'm well past ever having that urge again 😛, but I think it goes along with what @stveee and @Charlize talked about...acceptance is a process and what I call "early transition jitters" have been pretty common with all of us...you WILL work through this at your pace...

 

HUGS!💜

Link to comment

Thank you all of you. Today was all over the place and I was so anxious. I’m so grateful this exists and I can get helpful feedback. ❤️ 

Link to comment
44 minutes ago, Charlize said:

I don't remember all the purges i suffered through as i tried to cure myself of being myself.  It always came back.  Time , prayer, work and a family didn't change me so i finally accepted myself.  I don't really know what "normal" is but my washing machine has one.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Brilliant, @Charlize. That's LOL well put.

— Davie

Link to comment

@Deseret P, I’m in a very similar situation to yours. I’m not out to anyone as trans, but have in the last few months really acknowledged the truth to myself and have been experimenting with ways of living as my real, masculine self in the privacy of my own home. It’s exhilarating to wear a packer or try out masculine deodorants….but it can also be terrifying at the same time.
 

I daydream sometimes of moving to the other side of the world and transitioning somewhere far away from judgmental family and unsupportive friends, which is probably a little extreme! There’s a kernel of truth in it, though, in that I really do need to change my living situation before transitioning publicly is a viable option. Is that something you may also need to consider? I keep telling myself that it’s not my trans-ness that’s wrong and causing problems, it’s the setting I find myself in. 

Link to comment

I totally connect with all of that. I constantly fantasize about moving to Washington state where nobody knows me. I think where were different is that I actually believe everyone in my family would be supportive. One relative might handle it a little strange but my mom and sister are actually very open minded with this stuff. My teenage niece has a trans friend and they love her. I’m just convinced they wouldn’t take it seriously and the beginning stages would be very awkward. Acting girly in front of them etc. Plus I have this weird worry that I’ll change my mind and they’ll think I’m just a crazy person. You are right though, you’re not the problem. Have you reached out to a gender therapist yet? I honestly don’t know what I’m doing, I just know that’s the first step I’ve made. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I think all of us have experienced some version of what you are feeling.  "Early transition jitters" is a good name for it. 

 

When you start to worry if you'll change your mind, remind yourself that gender dysphoria never goes away.  You might be able to convince yourself that it is over for a while (hence the urge to purge), but it comes back.

 

Seeing a therapist is definitely a good start!

Link to comment

@Deseret P, no, I haven’t reached out to a gender therapist yet. My work life is insanely busy right now, so I’m short on time for everything except sleeping and basic necessities. I tried an online counselling service earlier this year, but it wasn’t the right fit for me. I’d thought it would be a good option, particularly since I live in a semi-rural area with no easy access to in-person visits with a gender therapist. For now, I’ve been going down the path of reading, reflecting, and researching - getting my head around what being transgender really means and thinking through what sort of man I want to become. 
 

Actually, that’s the thought I find most comforting and empowering: that as I move forwards, I get a chance at a fresh start, and to make conscious choices about what masculinity mean to me in a way that most 40 year olds simply don’t have/find the time to do. I read somewhere (I wish I could remember where!) that being trans is like visiting a buffet: you get to choose from a wide selection of options to put together a ‘meal’ that’s perfect for you. I really like that imagery, and I find it helps when I’m despairing of ever finding the courage to be out. Maybe right now what I’m doing is quietly accumulating my favourite side dishes - boxer shorts and new hobbies and soap I actually like the smell of - while I create a space for myself where I’m comfortable to grab the mains I want - surgery and pronouns and a legal name change. 
 

I hope that makes sense 😂

Link to comment

I have never had the experience of wanting to throw away my feminine belongings. Sometimes my male belongings, sure, but they never meant much to me and were always given to me by people who didn't know me, and didn't care a whit about me. I empathize with you as you go through this because it would certainly seem that you have people in your life who don't know you for you. It helps to have a buddy you talk with constantly, especially a trans buddy.

Link to comment

Lol I’ll be so happy to get rid of my guy clothes. I’m keeping all the band shirts though. It wasn’t that I wanted to get rid of them out of shame. It was more like, “let’s see if I can go a day without dressing and making up. Let’s see if this is real or not.” The clothes were literally back in my closet 5 minutes later. 
I actually have a very open minded family when it comes to all of this, but I’ve always been the withdrawn troubled one and I guess I worry that they won’t believe me when I tell them and also the idea of being feminine and having breasts in front of them etc is just very intimidating. 

Link to comment

@Samuel Williamit makes sense! We’re totally opposites though. I’ll mail you all of my guy clothes and soap when I don’t need them anymore. Lol. I work 48 hour weeks and nights too so I know how it is having NO time. In the states you can meet w a gender therapist online if you choose to. Not sure how it is everywhere else. I know it’s not the same but still…

Link to comment
On 3/11/2022 at 12:55 PM, stveee said:

Yes, what you are describing could be internalized transphobia, or confronting society's conditioning. 

 

Dr. Z on YouTube covers a great many topics, that I am sure you may find a few can help, wherever you may be in your journey. 

DR Z PHD - YouTube

 

So I can’t thank you enough for recommending her. It’s funny, I’ve been watching transition videos on YouTube for years (somehow denying that it was what I wanted the whole time) and I would always see hers but never watch them. I was always more interested in the videos that showed the progress, updates etc. 
Anyway, I work nights and I listened to 8 hours of her videos and she described the last I don’t know how many years of my life and addressed so many things I’m feeling. It was overwhelming to listen to at times but so helpful. 
It’s really amazing that I’m getting so anxious from clarity. Thanks for the recommendation ❤️ 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 260 Guests (See full list)

    • Thea
    • KathyLauren
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • Jet McCartney
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      770.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,095
    • Most Online
      8,356

    MossycupMolly
    Newest Member
    MossycupMolly
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Carli05
      Carli05
    2. CharlotteD89
      CharlotteD89
      (35 years old)
    3. JamieL
      JamieL
    4. Jenny
      Jenny
      (71 years old)
    5. Katek
      Katek
  • Posts

    • LittleSam
      Hi Giz, welcome. There's so many different ways to be trans and you're so welcome here. I wish you luck in achieving your goal of being more androgynous. There's forums in here that might suit you and your goals. I look forward to hearing more from you. I go by he/they pronouns at the mo.
    • Lydia_R
      Hello @JenniferB!  Was kind of in the same boat with this.  I spent massive amounts of energy over several decades to try to control my drinking and drug use.  Because I'm highly disciplined, I was ultimately successful.  I felt I could have gone on with controlled drinking for the rest of my life without problems, but it got to the point where I realized that it wasn't worth all the energy I was putting into it.  At that point I found surrender.  I got a sponsor, attended almost daily meetings for a year, worked the steps to the best of my ability, tried my best to socialize with people even though I am an introvert, I made a mess for myself at the meetings and felt a little rejected.  And then I continued on doing a little service work.   After a few months away from it, I'm in a good spot.  I accidentally ate one of my roommates edibles a couple months ago.  I have only smoked a half ounce of weed in the last 20 years.  After it kicked in, I realized that it was a marijuana high.  Then I noticed something miraculous.  I just told myself that there is nothing I can do about it and then got on with the business of the evening like I normally would.  It was like the high just ended right then and there.   Controlled drinking like I was doing was just very risky behavior and not worth the effort for me.  In any case, I'm very happy that I spent my life fighting it all instead of just giving into it.  I think that whatever you put into something, you eventually get back out.   Meetings are cool.  People generally get equal time to share.  Seeing people who are struggling reminds me of the way I was and why I want to remain sober.  And by being there, I have the potential of helping someone else.  The stuff I don't identify with I just do my best to not let bother me.  And if it gets bad there, I don't have to go back.  I can find another meeting or even just read the literature.  The literature helped me a lot.
    • Ladypcnj
      Happiness to me is when I reached a turning point in my life, that I stop worrying what others think about me, and start living my life. 
    • Carolyn Marie
      Very, very true.  The number of murders committed by strangers in 2022 was only about 10 percent, per the FBI.   Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      Courageous film maker, and amazing subjects.  That is an incredible journey to make in so many ways.  Thanks for sharing the link, @Davie.   Carolyn Marie
    • Mmindy
      Good afternoon everyone,   I often wondered why @April Marie and @Willowgot up so early in spite of being retired. Now that I have my own puppy as a house pet I get it. We haven't had dogs since before my oldest granddaughter was born 22 years ago this September. I've always had working hunting dogs, and it was important they became acclimated to the current weather conditions. While the kennels had large outdoor runways, they also had pet passes into the somewhat temperature controlled garage. Yes, they were allowed in the house but only for short periods of time. Fast forward to present time, and I'm potty training a puppy as well as crate training. The first night Parker Von Schwinegruber, slept from 10:30 until 05:30. Last night we went to bed and 10:30 and he started making noise at 05:00. Since I don't want to test his ability to hold his business, we got up and went outside. He took care of business and we went back to sleep. This time he had a dental chew bar and I filled his water bowl. We cat napped until 08:00 and then got up for the day taking him immediately outside. He took care of business, and we played fetch and tug of war with his now favorite puffball. We came in and I put him back in the crate positioned so he could see me cook breakfast. Did he NO HE WENT TO SLEEP! We ate breakfast, did the dishes, and finished off the pot of coffee I brewed at 08:00. Once he woke up we stared at one another for about 20 minutes, because he seemed content to be in the crate. I got up and we worked on some obedience training as well as getting into and out of the crate with permission. We don't want him to crash the gate or any doors we will be going through.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋  
    • VickySGV
      I have not heard about it here in California, but then again we have events of various sorts going on very often, and not just in the June Pride Month.  We have Trans Fashion Week going on at a hotel complex over in West Los Angeles for the next three nights featuring shows by Trans fashion designers and modeled by Trans and NB people on the runways there.  I missed a chance for some free tickets and while I know and love many of the participants I do not want to pay for the tickets which will be in the $50 to $75 range, and which at those prices are nearly sold out.  (Not to mention $25 valet parking each night at the venue complex.).  There will be actual high end fashion buyers there though and it is an area where we are gaining some good footing.  I also admit that NONE of the fashions are going to be anything at all that would fit my basic personal style but look fine if not crazy on my much younger Trans siblings who will model them. (Ok everyone else keep on @Mirrabooka's topic.)
    • Ivy
      TBH, Never heard of it.
    • Mmindy
      Welcome to TransPulseForums @gizgizgizzie    I hope you find this place as helpful as I do. I’m also in a slow transition living in the androgynous world. I’m out to my grown children and my extended family with mixed support from them. Some have cut me out of their lives and others want me to be their flamboyant family member.    Best wishes, stay positive and motivated    Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Davie
      To escape Gaza is already an achievement. And then to be trans?’: the women defying national and gender boundaries. https://www.theguardian.com/film/article/2024/may/16/yolande-zauberman-documentary-the-belle-from-gaza-cannes-film-festival
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Accidents happen.  So do heat-of-the-moment murders, without premeditation or trans-related hate.  It will take a trial to really figure it out.     One thing we can see from this is that it is people in our circles of acquaintances, friends, and partners who are the ones who usually hurt us.  Not someone random. We have to be careful who we trust.
    • ClaireBloom
      You look so cute in that pic Ashley!  
    • Birdie
      A bit of bra humour...
    • Mirrabooka
      Friday May 17th is IDAHOBIT (International Day Against HOmophobia, BIphobia and Transphobia).   Do you acknowledge or celebrate it? Do you do anything special for it, like taking part in any organized events or activities?   I'm not an activist and I prefer to fly under the radar, but I am slowly becoming aware of important dates. I have been aware of the date of IDAHOBIT for a few weeks now, but other important 'rainbow' dates have not been etched into my brain yet.    I will wear my favorite pride t-shirt as a token acknowledgement of the day, but it probably won't be seen; cool weather here will mean that it will be hidden under a sweater.    
    • Mirrabooka
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...