Highs and lows

[Deseret P]

Hi. It’s literally my second day on here and  I wanted to ask everyone if they’ve experienced something similar to what I’ve been going through lately. I’m not out to ANYONE as a trans yet. My biggest step is that I’ve reached out to some gender therapists mainly to talk to someone about what I’ve been feeling and seeing how I want to go about it. Still waiting for the replies though. It’s all fresh. I dress full feminine and work on my voice when I’m at home. Anyway, throughout the day I’ll have moments where I feel free and liberated and really really wonderful, then there will be a shift where I’ll feel really guilty and trapped and scared and I’ll go back and forth. I was getting so frustrated with the crazy anxious emotions that I even put all my make up and feminine clothes on a bag and planned on throwing it all away and seeing if I could go a day without it. Sure enough I stopped myself and took all of the clothes and make up out and am so happy I didn’t. But that’s it my emotions are all over the place and it’s up and down all day. Anyone else experienced this? Sorry it was so long. Thanks ❤️ 

[stveee]

I think you are really feeling 'normal' early transition stuff, and I can relate to wanting the purging, as I went through this cycle for YEARS and tossed out soo much stuff, even stuff I made and spent time and work on. It's all a process of self-acceptance and it is not easy and it takes time. I had a LOT of fear and anxiety. Great you have reached out to therapists and here and hopefully sharing takes a bit of the load off.  

[Deseret P]

Thank you so much! I was sitting and waiting for someone to tell me it’s normal. Did you ever say to yourself “wait what are you doing this is nuts?” And then when you’re all dolled up a few minutes later tell yourself “this is perfect and I’m so comfortable.” 

[stveee]

26 minutes ago, Deseret P said:

Thank you so much! I was sitting and waiting for someone to tell me it’s normal. Did you ever say to yourself “wait what are you doing this is nuts?” And then when you’re all dolled up a few minutes later tell yourself “this is perfect and I’m so comfortable.” 

Yes, what you are describing could be internalized transphobia, or confronting society's conditioning. 

 

Dr. Z on YouTube covers a great many topics, that I am sure you may find a few can help, wherever you may be in your journey. 

DR Z PHD - YouTube

 

[Charlize]

I don't remember all the purges i suffered through as i tried to cure myself of being myself.  It always came back.  Time , prayer, work and a family didn't change me so i finally accepted myself.  I don't really know what "normal" is but my washing machine has one.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ivy]

I recommend Dr Z too.

 

And welcome 

 

I had my own moments of panic when I was just starting to accept myself and take my first steps.

[Katie M]

Over my time of actively considering transition, I've probably purged more than a half-dozen times. I believe I'm well past ever having that urge again 😛, but I think it goes along with what @stveee and @Charlize talked about...acceptance is a process and what I call "early transition jitters" have been pretty common with all of us...you WILL work through this at your pace...

 

HUGS!💜

[Deseret P]

Thank you all of you. Today was all over the place and I was so anxious. I’m so grateful this exists and I can get helpful feedback. ❤️ 

[Davie]

44 minutes ago, Charlize said:

I don't remember all the purges i suffered through as i tried to cure myself of being myself.  It always came back.  Time , prayer, work and a family didn't change me so i finally accepted myself.  I don't really know what "normal" is but my washing machine has one.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Brilliant, @Charlize. That's LOL well put.

— Davie

[Samuel William]

@Deseret P, I’m in a very similar situation to yours. I’m not out to anyone as trans, but have in the last few months really acknowledged the truth to myself and have been experimenting with ways of living as my real, masculine self in the privacy of my own home. It’s exhilarating to wear a packer or try out masculine deodorants….but it can also be terrifying at the same time.
 

I daydream sometimes of moving to the other side of the world and transitioning somewhere far away from judgmental family and unsupportive friends, which is probably a little extreme! There’s a kernel of truth in it, though, in that I really do need to change my living situation before transitioning publicly is a viable option. Is that something you may also need to consider? I keep telling myself that it’s not my trans-ness that’s wrong and causing problems, it’s the setting I find myself in. 

[Deseret P]

I totally connect with all of that. I constantly fantasize about moving to Washington state where nobody knows me. I think where were different is that I actually believe everyone in my family would be supportive. One relative might handle it a little strange but my mom and sister are actually very open minded with this stuff. My teenage niece has a trans friend and they love her. I’m just convinced they wouldn’t take it seriously and the beginning stages would be very awkward. Acting girly in front of them etc. Plus I have this weird worry that I’ll change my mind and they’ll think I’m just a crazy person. You are right though, you’re not the problem. Have you reached out to a gender therapist yet? I honestly don’t know what I’m doing, I just know that’s the first step I’ve made. 

[KathyLauren]

I think all of us have experienced some version of what you are feeling.  "Early transition jitters" is a good name for it. 

 

When you start to worry if you'll change your mind, remind yourself that gender dysphoria never goes away.  You might be able to convince yourself that it is over for a while (hence the urge to purge), but it comes back.

 

Seeing a therapist is definitely a good start!

[Samuel William]

@Deseret P, no, I haven’t reached out to a gender therapist yet. My work life is insanely busy right now, so I’m short on time for everything except sleeping and basic necessities. I tried an online counselling service earlier this year, but it wasn’t the right fit for me. I’d thought it would be a good option, particularly since I live in a semi-rural area with no easy access to in-person visits with a gender therapist. For now, I’ve been going down the path of reading, reflecting, and researching - getting my head around what being transgender really means and thinking through what sort of man I want to become. 
 

Actually, that’s the thought I find most comforting and empowering: that as I move forwards, I get a chance at a fresh start, and to make conscious choices about what masculinity mean to me in a way that most 40 year olds simply don’t have/find the time to do. I read somewhere (I wish I could remember where!) that being trans is like visiting a buffet: you get to choose from a wide selection of options to put together a ‘meal’ that’s perfect for you. I really like that imagery, and I find it helps when I’m despairing of ever finding the courage to be out. Maybe right now what I’m doing is quietly accumulating my favourite side dishes - boxer shorts and new hobbies and soap I actually like the smell of - while I create a space for myself where I’m comfortable to grab the mains I want - surgery and pronouns and a legal name change. 
 

I hope that makes sense 😂

[Artpetal]

I have never had the experience of wanting to throw away my feminine belongings. Sometimes my male belongings, sure, but they never meant much to me and were always given to me by people who didn't know me, and didn't care a whit about me. I empathize with you as you go through this because it would certainly seem that you have people in your life who don't know you for you. It helps to have a buddy you talk with constantly, especially a trans buddy.

[Deseret P]

Lol I’ll be so happy to get rid of my guy clothes. I’m keeping all the band shirts though. It wasn’t that I wanted to get rid of them out of shame. It was more like, “let’s see if I can go a day without dressing and making up. Let’s see if this is real or not.” The clothes were literally back in my closet 5 minutes later. 
I actually have a very open minded family when it comes to all of this, but I’ve always been the withdrawn troubled one and I guess I worry that they won’t believe me when I tell them and also the idea of being feminine and having breasts in front of them etc is just very intimidating. 

[Deseret P]

@Samuel Williamit makes sense! We’re totally opposites though. I’ll mail you all of my guy clothes and soap when I don’t need them anymore. Lol. I work 48 hour weeks and nights too so I know how it is having NO time. In the states you can meet w a gender therapist online if you choose to. Not sure how it is everywhere else. I know it’s not the same but still…

[Deseret P]

On 3/11/2022 at 12:55 PM, stveee said:

Yes, what you are describing could be internalized transphobia, or confronting society's conditioning. 

 

Dr. Z on YouTube covers a great many topics, that I am sure you may find a few can help, wherever you may be in your journey. 

DR Z PHD - YouTube

 

So I can’t thank you enough for recommending her. It’s funny, I’ve been watching transition videos on YouTube for years (somehow denying that it was what I wanted the whole time) and I would always see hers but never watch them. I was always more interested in the videos that showed the progress, updates etc. 
Anyway, I work nights and I listened to 8 hours of her videos and she described the last I don’t know how many years of my life and addressed so many things I’m feeling. It was overwhelming to listen to at times but so helpful. 
It’s really amazing that I’m getting so anxious from clarity. Thanks for the recommendation ❤️