How's it going fellas

[Russ Fenrisson]

I think I operate better in the cold than in the heat. I don't mind walking outside but more than that, it can be unbearable. Last year feels like ages ago to me, but this year's summer really hit me. I do remember napping a lot in the afternoons because the heat made it near impossible to sleep at night but now, as I keep busy, I find I don't need to nap as much.

 

I like fireplaces. Can't remember the last time I was around a real one. I'd love to be that one person who goes outside and chops wood in a flannel, but it feels pointless without a fireplace. Yet, I don't trust myself to start a fire outside. I always see something bad happening.

[Vidanjali]

This Wednesday is National Coming Out Day. The church where I used to sing (I'm on hiatus due to disability) is going to have its first ever commemorative service & I've been asked to read the opening prayer. There will be music & a pride flag will be blessed and hoisted. Pretty cool, a big deal for the community here, especially as we're in Florida. 

[Davie]

1 hour ago, Vidanjali said:

This Wednesday is National Coming Out Day. The church where I used to sing (I'm on hiatus due to disability) is going to have its first ever commemorative service & I've been asked to read the opening prayer. There will be music & a pride flag will be blessed and hoisted. Pretty cool, a big deal for the community here, especially as we're in Florida. 

🙏  🙏  It's community that holds the spirit. Glad you've found your place.

[DonkeySocks]

17 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

Pretty cool

 

That is cool and exciting! That's great that you will take part in the service. Wonderful to see accepting churches. 

[Roach]

Happy new year everyone. Things have been going well for me. I have been thinking back a lot to just a few years ago when I felt so much more torn and unsteady about everything gender related. These days it simply isn't something I think about so much. I'm very lucky to be around those that accept me and be in a situation where I can socially transition.

 

It's pretty interesting how much more "quiet" it feels in my mind. I'm glad I took the plunge. Though I don't pass all the time, and my family still doesn't acknowledge it, I feel much better, and less like I'm lying or making something up.

 

I do hope my family can acclimate somewhat. They are never unkind to me about it, they just don't take it seriously, I suppose. They've never spoken negatively about my presentation or discouraged it, but they don't call me by my name or call me "he." If anyone has advice on how I can introduce the idea to them more, or can share their own experiences in this situation, I'd like to hear it.

 

Anyway, I hope everyone who reads this is doing well. Take care out there!

[DonkeySocks]

12 hours ago, Roach said:

Happy new year everyone.

Happy New Year to you, too!

12 hours ago, Roach said:

It's pretty interesting how much more "quiet" it feels in my mind.

I'm still working on my own quieting of the mind. It can be kind of scary how different I feel as the REAL me, but I believe it will be amazing and good for me when I learn to be quiet mentally. It's amazing that you have made this progress!

12 hours ago, Roach said:

 

I do hope my family can acclimate somewhat. They are never unkind to me about it, they just don't take it seriously, I suppose. They've never spoken negatively about my presentation or discouraged it, but they don't call me by my name or call me "he." If anyone has advice on how I can introduce the idea to them more, or can share their own experiences in this situation, I'd like to hear it.

So... unfortunately, they are behaving in an unkind way. The silence is a way of keeping the power over the situation while simultaneously being conflict avoidant. From my own experience, I would urge not considering your family to be one unit with one opinion. Some of them may be taking their cue from the person "leading" the silent treatment about your transition, and if you can be the stronger personality, they may feel more free to actually show you the support they naturally would on their own without the more quiet, apparently disapproving emotional "leader".

 

You don't have to cause any conflict in order to be the stronger personality, just be yourself and stick to it. You are entitled to be called by the name you like to be called by. You can train your family! Around your family, wear nametags and gender pronoun pins. When someone errs, point to the pin or nametag. When someone says it's hard to remember, don't make any comment on the complaint itself, just say every time, pleasantly, "You'll learn." Don't make it hard work for yourself to train them. Don't judge them for their mistakes--but don't let them keep disrespecting your name without polite, firm correction.

 

All of this is contingent upon you feeling safe. If you'd rather not train your family, that is also your right, and you should do what makes you feel comfortable. But they're trying to ignore your wishes, and your wishes are not extreme--everyone has a preferred name and pronoun set. You can claim your right to be called the way you wish to be called.

 

For an advanced technique which I have not personally mastered, when members of your family use the correct name and pronouns, become more animated and joyful when responding to them, in a sense praising them for doing it right--without verbally thanking or praising them. When they do it wrong, be civil to them but remain somewhat indifferent. Basically give them attention to train them. But I am not good at this technique myself, and I know the pronoun pins and standing confidently in your preferences and your identity does work. Do not thank people outright for using your correct name. It's just your name, it's not hard, they're avoiding using it for reasons of their own they have decided not to share out of conflict avoidance. At most, when people use your real name, give them a joyful smile--but you never have to say "Thank you" out loud for being called by your right name.

 

Don't give the errors too much importance. If you begin to notice a pattern as to who is following your wishes and who is ignoring you, give more mental importance to the successes. You don't have to disrespect anyone, but let's say (for an example from personal experience) the reluctant, avoidant, or complaining family member is also the one with the highest social standing and has the most power or respect from others in the family. It doesn't matter. Their opinion is NOT more important than yours or that of other, more supportive members of the family. Put all your thoughts on the successes.

 

No matter what you do, you're already a huge success just for gendering yourself correctly and supporting yourself.

12 hours ago, Roach said:

 

Anyway, I hope everyone who reads this is doing well. Take care out there!

I am doing well, and you take care, too!

[Roach]

@DonkeySocksThanks! This was interesting to read.

 

5 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

When someone says it's hard to remember, don't make any comment on the complaint itself, just say every time, pleasantly, "You'll learn."

I'll give this a shot. One person in my family mentions how difficult it is to change how they refer to me because it goes against everything they've ever known, but I've never tried to respond negatively to them, just continually remind them that they'll get used to it. If anything, they are usually the one who feels very emotional during conversations about the topic, while I try to stay lighthearted/positive. It's weird, because it feels like I'm comforting them about something that doesn't require comfort.

 

Well of course, that's only from my perspective. People can't control what emotions they feel, just how they respond to them. So, I'm not blaming that person for feeling upset, but hopefully encouraging them to see it as something more normal/less dramatic will help.

 

I guess I'll just be more persistent than usual and see how that goes. Anyway, I appreciate the advice!