Agender and More Masc (With Questions)

[Sol]

Okay, so I'm going to preface by saying I'm not a transgender man. I'm an AFAB agender person, but some of the things I want or experience line up well with trans guys, so I figured I'd drop by here. I'm not sure if this needs to be moved, but if it does, I'll leave that to the mods.

Okay, here we go.

For a bit before I figured out I was agender, I thought I was a trans guy. I learned after a while that I didn't want to be a man and I didn't want to be a woman, and agender was right for me. But I'm still trans (the definition I go by includes everything that isn't cis), and some of the things I want line up a lot with what I see trans guys having. 

I really want bottom growth. Like, I almost cried when I was thinking about it one night because I wanted it so bad and I just... couldn't will it to happen. I can't explain why, but my desire to have bottom growth has just kept increasing over time.

I want my breasts reduced, but... now I'm starting to think top surgery might still be on the table for me, mostly because of what happened today. A trans artist I follow on Twitter posted a picture of himself, focusing on his chest. And I just wanted that so bad. I don't know if I want smaller breasts or I just want them completely gone but I just looked and I wanted it so bad and I can't even accurately articulate how much.

I cried again over finding a haircut. It was a classic guy haircut, cropped in the back and long on top with curly hair and I just remember thinking "That's what I want, that's what my hair is supposed to be." 

And I keep finding FtM content on fanfiction sights, Twitter with art and writing, and it's basically the only thing I read and look at often and maybe it's because some aspect of it is me. I don't know how much, and I don't think I'm a trans guy (he or she pronouns make me anxious as hell, and they doesn't), but something about me is definitely masculine and I want to embrace that. 

And I don't know what it is, but reading about trans guys or seeing art of trans characters makes me feel seen and... safe, for lack of a better word. I just feel really comfortable for some reason, and I don't know why. It's not really envy, but maybe it's... "I want to look like that but I appreciate and kind of want to hug you for a long time?" I've got no clue. It's just kind of confusing right now.

[Sol]

Okay, bit of an update. 

I asked my friend to run an experiment, which was just refer to me using both he and they. Both elicited the same sense of correctness, which is nothing like the anxiety from before. I have no clue what this is, and I'm starting to think I don't have this as figured out as I thought I did.

Welp, you live and you learn I guess. I'm gonna call my therapist tomorrow.

[Roach]

Glad you're figuring this out @Sol! It's always helpful to put your thoughts down into words. Hope you can get your hair cut in the style you like, and it is great of your friend to help you out.

Have an excellent day!

[Sol]

Another update.

I think the idea of being a man made me anxious because I was still pretty deep into the assumption of stereotypes. And now I know better: I don't have to look like a stereotypical guy, I just need to look like me as a guy. And the idea is... kind of nice. I'm not putting a definite on it yet, mostly because I want to explore where this goes and talk to my therapist and friends and go through self reflection steps again. But I can say with certainty: I am not a girl, I am not a woman. Whether I'm a man is still up for debate, but I think the answer will come in time.

[neo3000]

Experimenting with different labels and identities is completely fine, no harm in that. 

If this can comfort you, I used to say I was agender and think I could go on with life without physically transitioning until I asked myself the following question: If I were on my own, as in, no one knowing me at all, what would I do? 

And that's how I came to the conclusion that I was a man and wanted to "physically" be one. I went from non-binary, to butch, to agender to finally end up in my truth as a man. 

What I'm saying is, finding who you truly are will take time. No need to rush, trust me. Go with the flow, and one day, it'll just come to you. You'll know it came to you when you'll be comfortable with how you're called, how you perceive yourself, and the way people perceive you

 

[Sol]

I meant to say it earlier but I forgot: Thank you, @neo3000!

Honestly, you're one of the first people I've found who has tried out different identities, and it's honestly really comforting to hear. I mostly keep hearing about people figuring it out pretty quickly, and I guess that made me think "Oh, I have to figure it out too," mixed with my "Gotta go fast," mindset. I still like they/them, but I also like he/him and I think it fits with what I want really well. I'm gonna get my haircut, I'm gonna keep wearing my crew necks and button ups, and I'm gonna rock this and figure it out as I go. 

Have an awesome day and thank you!