Documenting

[Sol]

I've recently gotten the idea to start documenting how I feel since realizing that I wasn't cisgender, and I don't like pictures of myself but love to write so this seemed like a good start!

It's really interesting how things have changed so much over the past year, going from: Trans guy, agender, masculine (not sure how much, but it's really heavily masculine). It seems like a roller coaster, honestly! 

Granted, a lot of stuff has been happening around my gender journey, but it's still in the back of my mind and I've received way more support irl than I really expected. My therapist, psychiatrist, a couple strangers, my friends, and some of my family members have been really supportive and helpful while I try to figure this out. But I do have to give the #1 spot to everyone on here that's helped me. You guys are all awesome.

It's had an effect on my anxiety, where even off my antidepressants, it doesn't feel as bad because I feel like I've gotten somewhere. I know now that what I want to be is masculine, but I don't want to lose the feminine elements completely. I know now that I want to present as a guy, but I want to be me as a guy, which I didn't believe was possible before. @Vidanjali had great advice when I voiced this a long time ago, saying "There are men who like pink, feminine men, pretty men..." and it helped me break out of the stereotype box I managed to cram myself in. If I said that a year ago, it would have made me anxious, but now it feels like the truth. It's easy for me to say because that's what I want. I'm gonna see how this goes, and I'm gonna just go with what my gut and mind are telling me. Right now, it's wearing crew necks and button ups and getting my haircut the way I've wanted to for a long time. 

I'll probably keep sporadically updating, but I really just wanted to compare where I was to where I am now. I feel more... comfortable finding this out about myself and what this means for me going forward. "She" isn't me anymore, even if it might have been when I was young. I don't think I've been "she" since puberty, honestly, but I can't be sure. Right now, "they" or "he" feel more like me, and I'm gonna explore that. 

And I'm gonna finally come out fully to my family sometime soon. I was finally able to admit that it's hard to talk to them because I feel like I'll be judged or ridiculed for what I feel, but that's never been the case. It's just been frustrating because we weren't on the same page. But that can be fixed and we're all in a calmer environment now, so I think that conversation will be easier than it was before. 

Wish me luck, and I'll be updating when I feel like something changed!

[Vidanjali]

Good luck @Sol ! I admire your persistence and courage. The pursuit of knowing yourself is necessarily most rewarding. 

[Sol]

Just a little update before my haircut tomorrow.

I feel a lot... happier and more energetic now than I was a while ago, especially when I started thinking about what being trans meant in reference to me a year ago.

There are some other factors at play there, like being out of the same house as my grandparents and finally getting good coping mechanisms and medication to manage my anxiety disorder, but I think learning to accept myself has also played a big part.

It's become really easy and comfortable to say "Yeah, I'm trans, and I feel like a guy," at least to myself, my friends, and even strangers if the situation calls for it. I'll update my therapist when I see her next. And I feel calmer now that I've taken steps to improve communication with my family, especially once I admitted that I was scared of being judged. It's still there (a years long line of thinking isn't gonna go away overnight), but it feels more manageable and me getting a haircut is gonna be my first test. 

I feel like I wanna do more, and I think I'm starting to come into hobbies I never really tried before. I'm especially excited to bake and cook more and I already have ideas for french toast with a spiced compound butter and whipped cream, a good red velvet cake, buttercream filled zucchini cupcakes, and a dark chocolate and passion fruit cream puff. Granted, I'm not gonna make it all at once and I have way more things I wanna make but I'm gonna make em all and more! As you can tell, I really like to bake 😁

I just feel like I wanna do more and baking and making food is how I show my love and it's tasty so I'm gonna fuel this hobby because it makes me really happy and I'm feeling happy with myself and where I'm going.

This was way longer than I planned, so I gonna go to bed and get up early for my haircut.

Wish me luck, and I might post a picture (sans face).

 

[Sol]

Self improvement is the gift that keeps on giving! Was finally able to be honest and calm and my parents know that I want to look and present like a guy and see where it goes. 

It feels right and I feel more comfortable saying that "I want to look like me as a guy," because I know that I would have never been fully happy as a woman. And it's not a "gotta go fast" thing, it's moving really steady and slow and it feels better. I feel better.

I want to have more talks with my parents about this and I want all of us to be on the same page, even if they don't understand what I'm going through and they're trying, which is really the best I can ask for and it's working really well. 

My mom is going to cut my hair. And I think this is really important for us moving forward. I'm kind of excited to see where this goes.

[Sol]

Welp, a couple things happened.

1. I was fully honest with how I felt about my gender and how I wanted to see where it goes, and my parents are supportive! 

2. I got my haircut. My mom actually did it, largely because my hair is curly and it works really weird so my mom and I can't fully trust salons. I got a different style that I think works better for my face too.

3. I've gotten the uncontrollable itch to catch up with a couple friends I haven't talked to in a few months, and I'm using my newfound communication skills! Still waiting for a response though, and I did apologize for not talking to them in a while cause I genuinely feel bad.

And I decided not to have a picture of the haircut cause I'm still figuring out how to block my face and it's just not happening on my phone.

[Sol]

Been a while since I've touched this thing!

One big thing I've noticed over the course of these last couple months is how grating being called "ma'am" or "sister" or anything like that. I offhandedly said a joke about how I was giving myself a bachelor shower when I dumped a water bottle on my head at the beach, and my uncle said "It'd be a bachelorette," to which I said "I didn't stutter." He shut up real quick after that. 

But most of the time it's just annoying, and other times it's upsetting. I've had a couple bad dysphoria days, I'm totally peopled out, and I just want to go into the warm safety of my friend, here, and Twitter (wow, Twitter and safety in the same sentence. Wild). 

I also got a new book called Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas, which features a trans man as the protagonist. I got... very overwhelmed in the bookstore when I saw it. It's a mix of being upset that I can't pass yet and hope that things'll get better. 

Basically everyone in my family minus my sister still uses she/her despite me saying I didn't want to be called that. And even my sister still uses it. It makes me mad more often than not, and I'm tempted to just not respond, but that'll go over like a lead balloon. I guess I can hope for things to get better, and that's about it.

[Sol]

Welp, stuff keeps changing, but in a way I expected, I guess.

My mom used the term "fluid" to describe me, and while I don't agree with her overall statement, I actually agree with her there. I do like being referred to in a masculine way (using he, sir, boy, you get the idea) but there's also the rarely used "they." Literally one person I know uses it for me, and I do like it. It feels different than "he," but in a good way. Labels at this point aren't really covering this aspect I've found that present more androgynous rather than totally masculine. I don't want to give that up because that's part of me whether I choose to address it or not, and I want to address it. Someone suggested another term which I will look into, but the best way I can articulate myself is "a man leaning toward the middle of the spectrum," if that makes sense.

Welp, let's see where this goes.

[Sol]

Okay, the term I was given is called "genderfaun," which sounds quite cute, and it apparently encompasses a type of genderfluidity that excludes feminine genders. I mean... it kind of works but not totally? I guess the best way to describe it is I just feel androgynous and masculine simultaneously rather than independently? I don't know, there's a dance going on somewhere because those two things are holding hands and I officially cannot separate them because both are relevant at the same time all the time. 

Well, I learned a new term, so that's fun. I'll just stick with "trans man" for now until I know more.

[Sol]

Back at it again! 

If I were to draw a line (girl on one end, boy on the other, with neutral in the middle) I'd take up the entire neutral middle, most of the boy section and a little off the girl side. And I'm not fluctuating on this massive section, it's all of it at the same time, all the time.

She is still a no go, although it's easier to deal with more often than not now, but he and they are definitely ones that I like and will continue to use. 

I remembered the term genderqueer (a YouTuber I watch is genderqueer, so that reminded me of the term), and it's pretty neat. I honestly feel a bit bad going through a lot of labels, but at the same time not really because those labels have been steps in the right direction. Maybe genderqueer won't fit in a month or a year, maybe nonbinary will work in the future, who knows? I might change it on the forum, but for now I'll leave it be for now because I want to explore this for a bit. 

[Davie]

Thanks for your story,@SolIt's helpful to relate to. To me it seems that it's a road that accepts the bumps along with the progress— godspeed to you.

— Davie

[Sol]

Sorry for the late reply @Davie, but thank you! I like your description of my progress so far, because I feel like the "bumps in the road" can be pretty educational sometimes. At least, I feel like some can encourage deeper thought. Some just flat out suck, but we pay those no mind.

I also had an epiphany after showering, which seems on brand. 

Using multiple labels is okay.

I've been over here trying to find one that encompasses everything without even realized that I can use more than one if/when I want to be specific. At the most basic level, I'm a trans man. If we want to be more specific, I'm a genderqueer trans man. 

So to anyone out there trying to figure stuff out and having trouble finding a label, it's okay to mix and match! And if you think labels aren't your thing then that's okay too! 

My own experience is subjective and what works for me won't work for everyone else. I like labels because I like the stability of it, and it can make it easier to describe how I feel about my gender in a conversation. But not everyone is gonna dig labels, so do your own thing boo. 

Anyway, that was my little epiphany, hope someone found it helpful or got a kick out of it.

[Sol]

Another little epiphany. Or really just a rant about things I've realized or have been thinking about for a while.

A lot of how I feel overlaps a lot with nonbinary identities, but not completely. I can't say I feel completely like a man, more like half. Half man, half... nothing, I guess. There's a genderless aspect to it and there's a masculine aspect to it, which basically shows itself as "I want people to be confused but also don't call me a girl." 

Obviously I'm still feeling the guilt of "I'm taking too long to figure this out and using too many labels," even if I objectively know there's nothing wrong with that and I'm not lying to people. So obviously I'm still figuring stuff out but I do feel like I'm getting closer to where I want to be, slowly but surely.

[Sol]

What I'm describing in the above post is the genderqueer or gender nonconforming aspects of my gender. I feel the trans man label suits me best but the terms I just mentioned fit in conjunction to it. 

Anywho, got some big changes! 

1. I've been interacting with others more and making some new friends! Exploring my writing more (I use Tumblr for that) and I'm definitely cultivating a space where I feel accepted and supported. 

2. Mom and I did have some arguments but we're figuring stuff out on more equal footing. It'll take time and patience, but we'll get there.

3. I've been expressing myself how I feel comfortable and I even got a haircut! Still gotta figure out how to post pictures on here, but maybe I'll show everybody how it turned out. 

The changes have been pretty big to me and honestly they're all pretty positive so let's keep that up!

[Sol]

Been awhile, time for an update!

1. Got another haircut! This time, boy short the way I want it. And I love it! My hair sticks out in weird angles and there's this one curl that kinda reminds me of Superman and I think I look pretty cool. 

2. I've noticed I've been feeling pretty solid in my identity, and the terms I use to describe myself and what I want for the future. 

I like the term trans man cause it's simple and encapsulates what I feel like and how I want to be referred to pretty well! Obviously it would be more complicated to explain how I feel in more detail, but trans man does a good job of getting the important point across. The same can be said for my own fluidity. I like feminine styles of dress sometimes, and that doesn't make me less of a man. 

As for what I want in the future, a uterine ablation is top of my list, and it has fewer risks and complications than a hysterectomy so hopefully I'll be able to pursue getting the ablation in the future. Same goes for a reduction in my chest size. 

As for T, I know I'll be getting it later in my life, and that's okay cause at least I already know I'll have some rockin' body hair genes (thanks Dad). I'm looking at micro dosing, and if at any point I feel I wanna move to a higher dose I can. 

And I've really just been planning this all myself, but these are less plans and more goals. Dad has been Dad, he doesn't really have much of an opinion at all and just lets me be, while Mom has been having a lot of trouble separating gender and sex into two different concepts, which has obviously led to some problems. I'd imagine it won't fully hit her until I actually start pursuing hormones and such, and we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. 

My sibling is also experimenting with their gender a bit too, and we even went over possible names or pronouns changes. Honestly, I'm just happy that they have more information than I did and I'm proud that they're experimenting and figuring themself out. Plus they know I'm gonna be there for advice and help, and I love doing that for them and for others. 

[Mmindy]

9 minutes ago, Sol said:

I'm just happy that they have more information than I did and I'm proud that they're experimenting and figuring themself out. Plus they know I'm gonna be there for advice and help, and I love doing that for them and for others. 

Hey there Sol,

 

Good update, I'm glad you're in a positive place as you move forward.

 

Best wishes,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Vidanjali]

Hi @Sol . Nice to hear from you. 

[Sol]

*For entertainment and illustrative purposes, please imagine me busting down the door like the one Big Bird gif.*

Anywho,

EVERYBODY, I HAVE NEWS.

For starters I love my hair, I can't stop touching it and it's not touching my neck and I finally know peace and it's so soft now. I love it. 

Secondly, so I found out Mom's biggest issue is that she's under the assumption that sex and gender are the same thing, and we went back and forth for a bit where I tried to explain how they were different before she asked me to find some articles, as that's how she learns best. Obviously, I used my credible source gathering skills and came up with two that I felt explained it the best, and one went into the history as well. I did find a lot more than two (and that was just the first page on Google, too), but I figured I'd keep it a bit more simple and also appeal to my mom's inner history nerd. So now I await, I've already binge read the entire articles at least two times each.

Also, my grandma is the best!!! Well, this is my paternal grandma, but she asked me today what I want to be referred to as! And being called "she" doesn't really feel like anything anymore, it's a tiny blip in the radar at best, but when I said that, she stopped me and went "But what is your preference?" And I explained and she's just awesome and asking what terms I'm okay with and I love her, I love her bunches. My maternal grandma essentially acts like it didn't happen (I do love her but she does watch Fox News, so that could definitely use some work) but my paternal grandma went out of her way to ask me how I wanted to be referred to cause she said "Well if I don't ask and you don't tell me, how will I know?" Everyone, my grandma is the bomb. 

[Sol]

As an extra note: My grandma brought this up completely on her own while talking to my dad originally. Because she wanted to check which terms were okay with me. It's also been over a month since I last called her (life shenanigans) and honestly I'm just so happy.

[April Marie]

Good morning @Sol!  I'm relatively new here....heck, I'm new to this whole experience - finally realizing/admitting who I am after years of denial...and found your thread this morning. I love your positivity, your exuberance and your thoughtful approach to your transformation, even n recognizing that we can grow and learn from the challenges.

 

Your news from today is so filled with love and hope. Your grandma sets the gold standard, doesn't she? Sometimes the people we least expect to understand are our best champions.

 

I am so happy for you and look forward to your updates!!  Much love to you!!!

[Sol]

Hi @April Marie! It's nice to meet you! 

And I try my best to be positive here because I feel like, ultimately, this is something that should be celebrated. Figuring ourselves out and growing is something we can do at any age, and it's even better when we get to explore a part of ourselves we haven't before! And I'm definitely excited and happy that you're exploring yourself and defining your experience, cause that's something to celebrate too! 

[April Marie]

Thank you @Sol! It is so wonderful to meet you, too. This awakening IS something to celebrate, filled with new discoveries, some trepidation yet exhilarating at the same time.  I haven't smiled so much, ever!!

 

[Sol]

I have returned!

My hair is fluffy (I look like a puff ball in the morning), and I've been going through some life changes. 

Mostly in regards to my health (I'm not as active as I was a couple years ago because of COVID and me not knowing how to drive yet 😑), cause I've been losing some weight and it ain't fun y'all! But I'm moving upward and I gained a couple pounds, so I'm happy about that! Plus I found out my GP is amazingly supportive, so extra bonus points! 

Still gotta call in for a check up and I gotta call a gyno for things like birth control, and I'm still trying to figure out how to manage dealing with my period cause that throws my entire system out of whack and to say I hate it would be an understatement. However, wearing my shorts make it better and I gotta buy more of them (turns out I'm a small in men's, which fits cause I'm a small man). 

I've also gotten back into writing! I still gotta see about updating some stuff here, since they've kinda been abandoned and I feel a bit bad about that so one day when I'm not as busy I think I'll pop on! However, I managed to write some full pieces and I'm happy with how they turned out, so I wanna keep that going. And I'm still writing as many trans characters as I can because it's my story and I do what I want. Plus it's just nice having trans main characters, I don't see that as often in published books. 

And I've officially settled on the terms and/or labels I wanna use: I am a gender nonconforming trans man, because I wear what I want and I'm a guy so there! It's not a super big thing, but I feel a bit better having found the best terms to describe myself with, plus it covers everything pretty well. 

Now I'm gonna call my grandma, I haven't talked to her in a bit. Everyone say thank you to Bio 103 for kicking my butt this past month.

[Dillon]

3 hours ago, Sol said:

I'm still trying to figure out how to manage dealing with my period

Hi. Although this is no longer an issue for me (hysterectomy for different reasons and I would be past menopause now anyway), I have heard that trans men use several ways, with their doctors' help, to stop having periods. I have heard of hormones (not sure what, but I'm pretty sure some use estrogen) and IUDs. You probably know all this, but I thought I'd mention it, especially since you're planning to see a gyno.

[Dillon]

Also, I've heard several people say that Planned Parenthood is very trans friendly and they go there for their gyn appointments and requests like stopping periods are not dismissed there. My state is NY. We know everything varies by state these days.

[Vidanjali]

Good as usual to hear from you @Sol .  Glad you're doing well and that you survived your bio class, lol.