Documenting

[Sol]

Hi @Dillon! My mom and I have sat down and gone through a couple options, and I definitely know that if a form of birth control isn't working for me then I'll get an appointment and sort that out. Not sure if I'll find one that suits me right off the bat, so we'll see how that goes!

And hi @Vidanjali! It's good to hear from you too! I have been doing better this past month (and I survived bio, I got to draw some cells for a lab which was pretty fun), so let's hope that keeps up!

[Sol]

One thing I've noticed is that I actually like and care about my body since I've explored my gender and interests and things like that. And that's awesome! 

Before I wouldn't really care too too much about my body, I didn't hate it, but I was more neutral on it. Mostly it was just in thinking I was pretty average and I mostly just wanted to cover myself up all the time. 

But now, I actually like my body a lot! Mostly that comes into the knowledge that I'm cute as heck and I look good, plus I feel a lot more confident in how I look now. Plus I care about things like my hair now, and I actually put more effort into my outfits and how they make me feel. 

It's a really nice feeling, and sometimes I don't like certain features (like the bleeding freeloader in my abdomen and my chest that looks too big on my body for my tastes), but those days only happen for a bit before they're gone. It does factor into my decision for a reduction as opposed to full top surgery, cause I like my chest most of the time, it's really just bigger than I'd like. 

Overall, I'm really happy that I like my body a lot more than I did way back when! There's a couple things I don't like, but those are things I'll deal with at some point in the future, and there's not that many things! Honestly, I know that my body isn't a woman's body cause I'm not a woman and it's my body, and I like it. That's something new too, it's MY body and I guess I feel kinda possessive over it in a way, which does wonders for my self confidence. It's my body, and I like it. 

Mostly this is just something I wanted to share, I bought a couple new clothes and I've actually been gaining back the weight I've lost over the last two years due to inactivity and stress! Progress is being made! 

[Sol]

Alrighty update time!

I had to get my car to a detail place today (that went really well and it cost a lot less than I thought it would), and I got called a lady, and it strangely didn't bother me. Maybe it's because sometimes I use the term "ladies" instead of the word "women," or I say "Let's go ladies," and mean it in a gender neutral way. So yeah, that was fun to figure out! 

And I've realized it brings me a great amount of joy to confuse people like "Am I a boy or a girl? You'll never know~" I like being cute and handsome and pretty and being confusing, but at the same time knowing I have a nice transmasc center with a lot of genderqueer sprinkles mixed in. It's probably because I like mixing masculine and feminine elements together to make something for me, and that brings me so much joy and euphoria. Currently, I'm getting pains from the freeloader in my abdomen and it's just nice to distract myself with some gender euphoria. Anywho, off to eat some fast food and maybe take a painkiller!

[Sol]

Another update friends! This one not so happy but we're getting back on track. 

So over the last few months, a few things have happened. The most recent is that I got Covid, since my mom's coworker didn't follow proper isolation/masking procedures and got her and a couple other people in their office sick, which in turn made the rest of my family sick. The body aches were probably the worst thing about it, and I almost had a panic attack, but thankfully it wasn't bad for me. 

I also gave myself another haircut cause the back was bugging me and itching my neck, it feels very freeing. 

I also tried to find a new therapist (I'm still looking currently) and the one I found I genuinely should have left as soon as they referenced "reality" when I mentioned I was trans. I should have left when they kept referring to me as "biologically female" the whole second half, and told me "don't cut anything off, just be a man." Wow, it's almost like that's what I've been doing, and whatever medical procedures I decide to get are none of this therapist's business! Suffice to say I heard enough bio-essentialist bull and didn't go back. At the very least, I got an Adam West Batman glass out of it, so that's cool. I've started saying that I'm LGBT in emails to new therapists now, though. I'm not getting burned twice.

My mom is also very resistant to me being trans, and seems convinced that it's a phase or that I'm just naive or going along with whatever is "cool," despite my protestations over the past two years now. Either way, she's gonna have a come to Jesus moment when I get on hormones, because I've already gone over and over the fact that womanhood ain't for me. I also have a trans friend nearby that I can talk to and he knows where the closest Planned Parenthood is when I finally get in a spot where I can get T. 

So hey, a mixed bag, I suppose. In the meantime, I'll continue being my huggable self and writing more trans characters (I've got a 38 page document full of short stories and I'm not even halfway done), and my grandparents are coming over on Thanksgiving, so I'm looking forward to that! 

[Vidanjali]

Nice to hear from you @Sol. Sorry you had that experience with the inappropriate, ignorant therapist. I'm glad you're persisting in finding a new one and advocating for yourself. Advocating for yourself in many ways, evidently. It's great you have a trans friend to help you. That's a great boon. Stay well and big hugs. 

 

[Sol]

Hi @Vidanjali! It's good to pop on here again! 

And one of the big things I'm proud of myself for is advocating for myself, especially in therapy and in my family. It's something I'm still learning but I'm making good progress! 

My trans friend, who goes by Lemon, has been a huge support and a nice bright spot even if I don't see him too often, he's kinda kooky like I am and is another in the list of people that let me be, well, me. 

I did forget to mention some of my sibling's friends, where all of them already knew me as their brother, and at least one other was exploring their gender themself, so that was really cool to see and even discuss a little. My sibling is also exploring more about their gender and I've been helping a little as a guide or for when they have questions or just wanna vent. I also forgot to mention my saved lists of therapists in my area and ones that have specializations in LGBT issues and experience with transgender people, although I will be relegated to Zoom calls for the latter. It's definitely a process but we're getting there!

 

[Vidanjali]

@Sol I happy to hear about the community you are drawing to you. It goes a very long way. You will be both inspired and an inspiration to others! 

[Sol]

WOW HAS IT BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE UPDATED!!!

Welp, I'm updating now, and it's been a lot of changes. 

1. My mom is starting to come around a little (I think). She does refer to me more as her child now, and even offered to help me cut my hair so I think we're making a little progress. I'm still planning on going on T later and I'm gonna start saving up to buy trans tape (I can't wear binders because I have GERD), so hopefully the progress stays. My dad, sibling, friends, and my paternal grandparents have all been super supportive and I'm really lucky for that. My sibling also goes out of their way to introduce me as their brother and it makes me so happy :D

2. I've been socializing a lot more! Mostly on Discord, but I've made some new friends and I'm really happy about that! 

3. I'm on birth control! I still need to go to the gyno but my GP got me on the depo shot and it's been working for me so far! My dysphoria has gone through a lot of ups and downs, especially around periods, but that source is pretty much gone now and I feel way better. I do have more dysphoria centered around my chest now but that's pretty easily fixed with baggy shirts most of the time. 

4. I know 100% now that I'm hoping for a uterine ablation (cauterizing the uterine tissue so it doesn't grow) at some point in the future and it's likely something I'll have to save up for but from my research it's a lot less invasive and safer than a hysterectomy so I definitely recommend it if people are able to access it. I also know that after that, I want to save up for a reduction to combat the chest dysphoria, and I still like having it sometimes so I'll keep a bit of it (I'm shooting for an A cup, I'm a C cup currently). 

5. I've been writing more and I've even got some ideas for art projects! I also got an Archive of Our Own account where I post my finished writing, and I'm starting a book project at my mom's urging (she said she wanted that as her Christmas present so I'm gonna try, might not get it done this year though). I haven't gotten to write much lately but I'm hoping to change that this month. 

And finally, 6. I'm gonna be a college junior and I have a career path to pursue! I'm gonna be an archivist, hopefully working for a museum (not too specific on where, I just like museums). 

So yeah, a lot of stuff has happened and it's been pretty good! 

[Vidanjali]

Hi @Sol. Great to hear from you and your updates are all encouraging. Wonderful all the support you're now getting from your family and to hear you sounding so positive and hopeful. Career as an archivist sounds like a great path - sensible and not too specific, but endlessly fascinating at the same time. Not only do museums employ archivists, but so do many other institutions such as historical societies and universities. Your university may have its own archives which you could visit and learn about. Take care & be well! 

[Sol]

Thank you, @Vidanjali! I'm in the process of applying to universities to transfer to (I got to a local community college currently), and I've got my eye on a specific one but I'm apply to 2-3 more just in case. 

I'm also trying to apply for a job! 

Another minor update is that I'm able to purchase trans tape now! I got it in blue because I like colors and pink was sold out, but hopefully the adhesive reacts well to my skin and I can use it to bind. This is another weapon I may have in the ongoing battle with dysphoria, but I think if it works, it'll work really well! 

Fingers crossed, and y'all have a good day!