Changing Pronouns

[Sol]

Context and question: So, my parents know that I'm trans and don't feel like a girl, and I've been getting more and more sure and comfortable in my identity as a man, but they haven't referred to me in any other way beyond what they already referred to me as. How do I even bring this up?

I have a love-hate relationship with feminine titles, but it really depends on how the term is used. "Daughter" is okay because it's used as an affectionate term (but rarely), "girls" is used when referring to my sister and I and it's meh, but terms like "young lady," "girl," and even "she/her" make me really uncomfortable. 

My friend and dad both said that people will call you the wrong thing, and that's true. It's a fact of life right now, especially considering I don't know if I pass and I probably don't (I'm getting on T and a partial mastectomy later in life, don't think I won't). But it's important that the people close to me, and the ones I interact with daily, call me by the right thing. I like how "they" and "he" sound and make me feel comfortable, with a slight preference for "he." 

I just don't know how to bring it up, really. I guess I've dropped hints, like calling myself "the prettiest boy at the ball," not shaving my legs or armpits, just junk like that. Really, I should probably give them an update on how I'm feeling because the last time we talked about this I said I wasn't 100% on living my life as a guy, and I'm way more sure now. I don't want to be a girl, nonbinary just doesn't cover everything, and a guy (especially a slightly more feminine one) just sounds like me and where I want to be.

[Sol]

On another note it is entirely possible to misgender yourself and I did that a couple of times. It's kind of annoying, honestly.

[DeeDee]

@Sol I was corrected by one of my friends when I misgendered myself this weekend in a conversation about pockets of all things, it does happen lol.

 

My son has come to feel TransMasc via Non Binary, and the hardest part seems to be his mum's side of the family rolling with the changes. They coped with the first announcement, but have ignored every announcement since.

He is a conflict avoider and just doesn't push the issue at all, and also doesnt want me to push it for him, so when he is here I go out of my way to use his preferred name and pronouns so he has a safe space.

I have told him it will get easier when I come out to them because then I will get the blame for brainwashing him, but while he stays with his mum he doesn't want to rock the boat and I respect that.

While it shouldn't matter, the stereotypical visual clues with short hairstyles, bodyhair and clothing can help top you up mentally until you're in company that will respect your gender.

 

If you don't want to bring it up again, hints won't work. Get someone who will refer to you properly (sibling/friend) because that gives constant audio cues for other people, they can't keep misgendering you without knowing that they are doing it deliberately.

Above all, just be safe.

[Sol]

Really, I'm not entirely worried about them listening to me, so far they have been. They haven't treated me any differently, and they're supporting me on the gender experimentation (even if it's a lot less experimentation now, which I wanna update them on). 

I do understand how they didn't understand, because they really can't and they also never expected it. It flew under their radar. 

Really, my parents do want me to talk to them, but nothing they say or do will make it any less nerve-wracking. I really just want to tell them today because I've been thinking about it for a while and I don't need to get into an anxious spiral over it.

My sister calls me they and sibling sometimes, while my friend calls me they or he. But I just really want to emphasize that it's important they do it because I interact with them everyday and they're very prominent people in my life.

[Sol]

Bit of an additional thing: it's easier to talk to my dad because he's essentially a soundboard for this stuff, and asks questions when the situation calls for it. Other than that, he gets a little of what I'm talking about. For mom, it's a little harder cause I'm a Mama's boy (god, that's nice to say) and she doesn't get this stuff, but she's made it very clear that she cares about whether I'm happy and safe. It's just really nerve wracking to talk about.

And I really do need to just sit both of them down and give them an update on how I feel, because the last time I did I wanted to see where stuff goes and that I feel more masculine but I didn't know how much yet. Now, I have a way better idea of how I'm feeling and what I want to present myself as, so I feel like that needs to be brought up. I see myself as a man, a more feminine man maybe, but still a man. And I'm finally in a place where I can like who I see in the mirror, so I think that's worth sharing. And besides, more boyish styles always looked better on me anyway, at least to me.

[DeeDee]

11 hours ago, Sol said:

I see myself as a man, a more feminine man maybe, but still a man. And I'm finally in a place where I can like who I see in the mirror, so I think that's worth sharing.

Sol, if your parents are supportive, but perhaps not as affirming as you want, it could be a combination of having zero experience of what to do (which is like 99% of parenthood) or simply that they don't want to do something wrong. It probably doesnt need a big sit down, literally just what I have copied from your post would work. I've always found that just saying something while doing busy work (gardening/baking) or during a natural silence in the car have worked well, there are options to think about it before responding and it is less of a big deal which is what sit down conversations were for me growing up (my baggage not yours), but the words can still get out there and are not overshadowed. Good luck if you do go through with it.

[Sol]

That's really true, we're all kind of flying blind. Mom did as much research as she could get her hands on, but all that really served to do was make me upset cause a lot of the information she found said that people figured it out from an early age. As we can see in this forum, we all figure it out at different ages, from early childhood to late adulthood. Then again, I wasn't in a good place mentally back then, either.

I do feel better and more in control of my anxiety and not as prone to flying off the handle, so I think this'll work better. The last time I had this conversation, I just said "I need to tell you guys some stuff and I want you to listen until I'm done," and it went really well! I'll probably just do that again, but with a much shorter message.

[Sol]

Welp, I told em.

I feel really underwhelmed and really frustrated cause they just, didn't say anything. I asked dad and he just doesn't know what to say.

Honestly, I just want them to talk to me about this, instead of just not saying anything at the end and acting like I didn't say anything at all.

I'm just really frustrated and upset.

[Vidanjali]

I'm sorry @Sol . That's the worst, the silence. You have so much emotion built up, you work up your courage, your mind is buzzing with "what if's", you finally do it, and...no reaction. It's impossible to speculate what they're thinking. They may not know what to think yet. I hope you all will be able to talk more about it soon. Please do your best to mitigate anxiety in the meantime. Get some exercise and sun. Go for a walk. Stomping the feet and taking in beautiful views will have a calming effect. Breathe intentionally. I used to do a walking meditation where I'd breathe in and visualize negative/anxious thoughts/stuff going into a fire in my belly; and as I'd breathe out, I'd visualize the smoke from the fire being blown out of all my pores to dissipate in the air. With each exhale, the smoke would go from black soot, to lighter grey, then white, then just particulate, then clear, and finally I'd visualize rainbow light coming out of me. Let us know how you're doing soon. 

[Sol]

Welp, told em. Mom's not calling me they or he, but she's gonna stop calling me "she." She doesn't understand basically any of this, and does think that sex = gender which is disappointing, but I guess it is what it is. But if something is going to make me happy and is best for me, she said she's gonna help in any way she can, but the decision is ultimately up to me. So not a big change. 

Dad just doesn't know what to say, but his attitude from previous conversations is that "It is what it is."

Does it suck ass? Yeah, it does. Am I gonna stop doing what I'm doing? No, because I feel more comfortable with myself than I have in years. I'm finally starting to like who I see in the mirror and who I am as a person, even if I still have a lot of issues to deal with. I'm gonna keep learning, keep going to therapy, and I'm just gonna keep trying. I have a few friends and my sister who call me by the right things all the time, and I like to think of TransPulse as a piece of my support system.

But I guess the only way to go from here is up. For right now, though, I'm gonna get a smoothie and then set up an appointment with my therapist. I really miss her, too. She's great and affirming.

[Sol]

Also, Mom's just gonna call me by my name or a nickname, which is totally fine by me cause I like the nicknames, and my name (and it's unisex, so double points). Definitely an upgrade from "she" cause that's uncomfy.

[Kelly2509]

on the bright side, they aren't being awful or anything.  It's possible eventually they will learn something and it will kick them into the correct pronouns.  I recently explained an awkward situation I was in where someone misgendered me and ever since my parents have been far more on-point than they were before.

[Sol]

I have a little hope that once I get into the medical stage of transition and hopefully pass more then it might kick in. And yeah, neither were awful about it and we're really upfront and honest with me the whole time, and have been for a while. They do give good advice sometimes, so I try to incorporate that as best I can. 

But we've got a lot of time to learn and grow, and nothing is really permanent, so that's a bit of my view on it.