Very confused right now

[Emmeline]

I've recently realised I don't fit the gender binary. I'm amab but my true self is VERY feminine, and the more I explore that the more apparent it becomes. I'm starting to think that I might actually be a trans woman. But that is something that's very difficult to face. I've lived as male for 33 years. I'm quite attached to my man-ness. But there is a strong, confident and powerful woman within and I'm suffering now because she wants to shine.

 

I'm scared to let go of the man I have been all these years. I think maybe I might be overcompensating, because the idea of living as nonbinary is perhaps more confusing than just transitioning to be a woman. Naturally it is easier to be binary in the world. If I transition to be a woman (and believe me, I've thought about it and looked within, and doing that is DEFINITELY something I've been considering) then that's easier to explain to the world. I move from one to the other. But to be nonbinary.... what does that look like? How do I maintain my professional, romantic, and social life as someone who does not quite fit into the binary world? How do I dress, which bathroom do I use, what does my drivers licence say, what do people call me? If I am a man or a woman, these questions have clear answers. But I don't know if that's my truth. IT'S SO CONFUSING! 

I think if I was FORCED to choose one over the other, I would be a woman. It just feels more natural. But I don't resent or reject my manhood either. Does this make me genderfluid? Oh dear, don't get me started on the labels... they're making my head spin. I wish I had the luxury of clarity. I'm the kind of person who likes clear cut solutions. Perhaps there just aren't any....

[KathyLauren]

Only you can decide where you fit.  I can tell you aren't cisgender, but that's as far as I'd stick my neck out.  Don't be afraid to experiment to see what fits.

 

A friend of mine considered themself a male crossdresser for years.  Then they decided they were genderfluid for a while.  Then they decided they were bi-gender, since they never wanted to present in an androgynous form, only as male or female.  Lately, they have started to realize they are more feminine than masculine and are open to the possibility that they might be trans-feminine after all.  It is just a process of self-understanding.  No one is suggesting that their identity is changing.  It is just taking them a while to figure it out.  And that is okay.

 

You ask what it looks like.  Well, my friend is in the military, and has to maintain proper deportment standards.  On days when they present as male, they wear male uniform, use their male name, and are addressed as "sir".  On days when they present as female, they wear female uniform, use their female name, and are addressed as "ma'am".  They use the men's or ladies' bathroom, depending on their presentation.  Their identification uses their legal (male) name, but has a photo of them in female presentation.  (It's not the military I remember, that's for sure!)

 

I am not saying that that is what you should do.  I just give my friend's story to show you one way it can work, even in a conservative organization.

 

If you aren't already seeing a gender therapist, I would strongly recommend doing so.  They can help you figure out how you identify and what you want to do about it.

[Emmeline]

@KathyLaurenThank you so much for your reply. It's really helpful to hear about other people's experiences because it broadens my world and makes me feel less alone. I'm only just coming to terms with all of this, so I'm right at the beginning of this exploration! I know I need to be patient and take the time I need to figure this out. 

 

I've been seeing a therapist for a couple of months now, but that was for treatment of panic attacks. With therapy and medication I've become more confident and in touch with myself, which is what instigated me reexamining my gender. She's a great therapist, and I've been working through this with her, but I do wonder if I need to speak to someone who actually specialises in gender therapy. 

 

Again, thank you so much for your reply, it has really helped!

[KathyLauren]

It might be helpful to see a therapist who specialized in gender issues.  They will be familiar with WPATH standards, and with how things work where you live.  They will also have the experience, from dealing with other clients, to recognize what might or might nor work in your own circumstances.

 

Your current therapist might be able to recommend someone.

[Emmeline]

Thank you 😀

[Artpetal]

These are some questions that you can ask yourself. Do you like wearing women's clothes? Does your body as it is right now make you feel bad? Do you like getting dolled up? Was it disappointing or incomprehensible for your parents/siblings/friends to refer to you as a male? Do you seek out hobbies and media that are more feminine than masculine? When you were young, what sort of characters or things did you draw or imagine? Were you close to your father, and if so, do you feel that he actively prevented you from transitioning? To varying degrees, answering these questions for yourself might help a bit. 

[Delcina B]

I found the book You and Your Gender Identity by Dara Hoffman Fox very helpful when I finally reached the point of accepting instead of loathing me & trying to find out who I am. It's basically a workbook that allows someone to explore & evaluate themselves in relation to their gender. They also read it on YouTube.

 

Hope you enjoy the journey.

Hugs!

Delcina

[Emmeline]

@Artpetal @Delcina B thank you!

[Charlize]

I am not sure if this is revenant but i spent some years going back and forth between male and female presentation.  I didn't consider it cross dressing but rather another aspect of who i was.  In some ways it was a way to find out whether i could live in the world as myself.  Over time it was extremely stressful.  In the end after being here and  seeing a gender therapist i transitioned.  I certainly still have a masculine side and enjoy many "manly" pursuits.  I would never have made a good housewife in the 50's but then again few women today don't enjoy all kinds of activities.  Non binary is, for me, quite natural in todays world while mixed presentation is often confusing.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize