So… I don’t know the answers…

[Tara37]

I don’t know the answers but I know how I feel. 
I am struggling really BAD! I’m married and have a beautiful 7 year old daughter who is the most beautiful person in my world . But, I’m living in a man’s body. Because of this, and life in general, I’ve been wishing and praying for death.

I told my wife about this side of me after we were married for about 3 years. It did not go over well AT all. I really wish I would have known and told her about this side of me before we married. But, I didn’t even understand this part of me.
I have had feelings of wanting to be a girl since I was 5ish years old. These feelings have manifested and grown over the years to where I am now. Before I finally realized  that I am a trans woman I chalked all of my thoughts and crossdressing to just that, a crossdresser. But my feelings have gone so far beyond crossdressing. 
for a lot of years now I’ve come to realize that I’m transgender. I HATE this side of me. But, I can’t live without this side of me. my wife has made it abundantly clear that she will NOT be married to a woman. She even went out of the way to be really nasty to me and tell me that very same thing recently. My wife just barely deals with this side of me as long as I don’t talk about it or bring it up. If it is brought up or expressed at all she becomes very upset and won’t talk to me for days. I love my wife so very much. But I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.

This is one the most terrible things that can happen to a person and I don’t wish it on anyone. Why in the Hell do we have to struggle so badly? This sucks so much! 
I am a very private person. But, my therapist suggested that I reach out. So here I am… I’m not expecting any kind of responses. But if anyone has gone through this I would some advise. Thank you all who’ve taken the time to read my post. I hope everyone has a great day. 

[DonkeySocks]

3 hours ago, Tara37 said:

Because of this, and life in general, I’ve been wishing and praying for death.

Please instead pray for strength to help you change one thing for the better, in your life or someone else's. One step at a time.

 

3 hours ago, Tara37 said:

But, I didn’t even understand this part of me.

You didn't do anything wrong by not understanding that until later. Now you can communicate honestly with yourself and others, before, you just didn't have that information.

 

I have not had the same experience as you, because my husband is very accepting. You will find people who do accept you, no matter what is going on in your family life.

 

I will say that it may be normal at this stage to hate the trans part of you--but it IS very possible to begin to reconcile yourself with yourself. It is something you can work on.

[Mary]

I also went through the stages of cross-dressing/just a phase/hang on, this is trans!

 

It is very hard to come to terms with, and the hardest part is the reactions of loved ones. Unfortunately that's how we are born, and we somehow have to live with it, and make the best of it.

 

You will see that many of the folks here have had the same path. Some have been incredibly lucky, and have had supportive spouses. Some have had relationships break up. And some - like me - don't know how things are going to go down. But you are not alone, and many of us here have gone through - and are going through similar experiences. Hang on there girl! Lots of shoulders here to cry on. Foe better or worse, as the Chinese saying goes, "this, too, shall pass".

 

Hugs.

[Aggie1]

6 hours ago, Tara37 said:

This is one the most terrible things that can happen to a person and I don’t wish it on anyone. Why in the Hell do we have to struggle so badly? This sucks so much! 

You are NOT alone!!! It sometimes takes a few years for others to come around. It’s a mutual process of discovery. In the meantime surround yourself with positive influences. Then live your authentic self. Find a new hobby that really matches your true self. Find new ways to enjoy yourself. Find reasons to smile. Be yourself. It can be contagious! 

I went through all the self doubts, the personal feelings of shame, hiding from myself for 60 years. Once I made the decision to quit running I set my mind on making the best of it no matter the consequences. Once the die was cast there was no going back. I have never been happier in my life and I have made a surprising number of friends and Allie’s. 
 

I would recommend reading widely on the subject, from a historical, scientific and social perspective. Everyone is on a spectrum of some sort. Just remember, you’re unique! Just like everyone else! (That was a little joke… haha!)

 

chin up. You’re going to make it. Don’t be surprised if you start to fall in love with this new you. It takes an act of courage to overcome the first few hurdles but the long term happiness is worth it. At least that’s been my experience so far.

 

[Tara37]

After reading so many kind and caring comments I am speechless. Thank you very much to all who’ve replied so far. I joined this site because of advise from my therapist. I’ve been here a few months now and have commented and put myself out there previously. But, I haven’t been very active here. At my previous session with my therapist she asked me about this group and I admitted that I haven’t been very active. When she heard this she insisted that I reach out more to learn from people’s experiences. I wasn’t really expecting so much support. All of you jumped right in with open arms and threw so much support at me. It warms my heart to know that there are people who care and want to help. I will definitely be a more active member here. I am so looking forward to getting to know all of you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! 💜 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Tara.  I'm glad your therapist suggested reaching out to a community.  I've been where you are, hon, and I know how agonizing it is. My wife and I were married for 20 years when I came out to her.  We had one teenage son, and I was scared to death of losing them both.  But I had to do what I had to do to survive.  But things turned out well and we're still together.

 

That doesn't mean it will be the same for you, unfortunately.  You have to make a choice at some point.  But I urge you to consider how much worse off your wife and daughter would be if you died.  It would be better for both to have a different sort of husband and parent than to have no husband and parent at all.  Divorce is a common result of transition, but it doesn't mean its hopeless.  People do change.  Perhaps you can get your wife to attend a couple's session.  Is your therapist a gender specialist?  If not, I suggest you look for one.

 

Please continue to read posts and learn all you can, and take @Aggie1's suggestion about reading more.  There is a lot to learn.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Tara37]

By making 

4 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

Welcome to Trans Pulse

 

Thank you for the warm welcome. I know I must make a choice. But, that is the hardest thing to do. I feel as though I will be choosing either them or me. And, choosing me is the most selfish thing I can think of. As of now, I just don’t know what to do. 
 

My therapist did suggest couples therapy. But, when I brought up therapy to my wife she was completely against the idea… I did try . As for reading and learning… I have been diagnosed with OCD. So, you obsess about things a lot but not always here n a good way. I will continue to read and learn because I need help trying to navigate this terrible life. I am truly thankful for everyone support. This seems like a phenomenal group and I’m glad I found it. 

[DonkeySocks]

1 hour ago, Tara37 said:

I feel as though I will be choosing either them or me. And, choosing me is the most selfish thing I can think of.

That's not how it works. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else. It's not choosing yourself and nobody else, it's choosing to take care of yourself so others can also flourish.