Figuring Out My Dysphoria

[Sol]

I've had several lightbulb moments when I figured out I didn't want to be a girl or woman, and one of those realizations was dysphoria. 

I mostly experience problems with my period; my anxiety spikes, everything feels like too much, with the desire to tear my own skin off and rip out a couple organs. Or my chest; they look like they're disproportionate, or like someone tacked something on me where there wasn't supposed to be. 

And now that I know what liking myself feels like (hooray!) it's put a new perspective on things in my childhood that didn't make sense.

One of the things that didn't make sense was on of those sleeveless dresses with the ruffled top. When I was young, before puberty, I wanted one and my mom said "You need to be flat chested for those dresses," or something along those lines. Me being me, I went "Okay, I'll be flat chested," and my mom said that wouldn't happen. After I started puberty, and found it she was right, I remember almost crying when I realized "I can't wear that dress." It didn't make too much sense at the time, but it makes more sense now.

There was also my joy of wearing the boy's polo shirts for school, and I only wore a skirt once. I felt objectified and uncomfortable, so I stopped wearing them for a long time. 

Then there was my general dislike for my appearance. This showed up especially when I tried to be more "feminine," by dressing nicely and wearing make up. I hated it every time, and I was never satisfied with any of it. And then I got my haircut, stopped wearing makeup, and it felt like I was looking at a different person. I was genuinely happy, and I still am.

So my dysphoria manifested as a general hatred for myself, how I looked, and how I presented. And I feel so much better than I've ever felt in my life now. I feel less anxious, and I actually like looking in the mirror and having pictures taken. 

So yeah, that was me trying to figure it out, and I think I did.

[DonkeySocks]

7 hours ago, Sol said:

And then I got my haircut, stopped wearing makeup, and it felt like I was looking at a different person. I was genuinely happy, and I still am.

Glad you are happy with your look! I have similar stories from my childhood with the clothes, such as feeling as if I were being allowed to get away with something when I could buy a boy's shirt because boy's clothes were cheaper than girls' clothes.

[Samuel William]

On 5/10/2022 at 11:39 AM, DonkeySocks said:

Glad you are happy with your look! I have similar stories from my childhood with the clothes, such as feeling as if I were being allowed to get away with something when I could buy a boy's shirt because boy's clothes were cheaper than girls' clothes.

I used to love shoe shopping once I was a teenager. My feet happen to be a little wider than typical ‘female’ feet, so for years I’ve bought men’s shoes with the conveniently true excuse that they fit better. 
 

I have a very clear memory of a brief time in my early teens when I was forced to wear a dress (school uniform), and I was trying to explain to my mother that it felt wrong to have my legs together in a dress rather than in separate pant legs. She had no idea what I was talking about, and I stopped trying to explain because I didn’t have a better way of explaining it to her. That was in 1994, so I had no idea that trans people existed or that I was one of them. All I knew was that dresses, bras, and periods made me feel wrong inside my own skin, and that I wasn’t given a choice about any of them. 
 

I do feel much better about myself now, with a masculine style of dressing and the ability to choose my own damn clothes. The dysphoria hasn’t entirely gone away, though, because I’m very conscious of parts of my body that feel as wrong now as they ever did - maybe worse, in some ways, because having allowed myself to start consciously thinking of myself as male, I can’t help noticing that some areas are not what they should be. 

[DonkeySocks]

On 5/31/2022 at 9:38 PM, Samuel William said:

That was in 1994, so I had no idea that trans people existed or that I was one of them.

In the 90s I was in high school and also couldn't figure out what was different about me, I knew there was something, but I literally thought all transgender people were male to female, since that's all pop culture ever showed.

On 5/31/2022 at 9:38 PM, Samuel William said:

The dysphoria hasn’t entirely gone away, though, because I’m very conscious of parts of my body that feel as wrong now as they ever did - maybe worse, in some ways, because having allowed myself to start consciously thinking of myself as male, I can’t help noticing that some areas are not what they should be. 

So now you're figuring out what you don't want. That's where I've been for decades. I only recently began to understand and go for what I really do want, which helps because then you can make choices not just from the defensive, but overtly in favor of yourself.

[Samuel William]

6 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

So now you're figuring out what you don't want. That's where I've been for decades. I only recently began to understand and go for what I really do want, which helps because then you can make choices not just from the defensive, but overtly in favor of yourself.

That’s actually a wonderful way to look at it - actively figuring out what I do and don’t want rather than just wrestling with wrongness. 

[Russ Fenrisson]

It's a good thing you figured it out @Sol. Once your dysphoria becomes clear, you can breathe a little easier and (possibly) avoid such things if you don't want to feel down.

 

I can understand that feeling. For the longest time, my dysphoria related to my long hair, short stature, and voice to a degree. I've fixed the first and last thing, as those were the easiest, but for the middle, over time, I just ceased thinking about it so hard. Knowing a lot of men aren't ideally 6'0 or even 5'8 helped me to understand not being tall didn't make me less of a man. Heck, some of the greatest people in history, such as Alexander the Great, barely even made it to 5'5! Knowing I'm the average height of Greek men during the classical period is at least comforting.

 

However, the one thing that persists to break my mood is the monthlies. When I feel it coming, I know I'm about to fall again. That's always been the toughest one for me to crack: how can I continue to live as me when I still experience this unneccesary physiological process? It's a real bummer.

[Sol]

I do have a couple tricks for the last thing, Russ! 

It's hard to do but sometimes I try to refer or think about myself in a masculine way on my period. I wore my favorite skirt and called myself "the prettiest boy at the ball," or said "I'm not a happy guy right now." I also wore clothing that made me feel more comfortable and right. 

That and chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

[Russ Fenrisson]

@SolI can't tell you how many natural remedies and recommendations I've seen that include chocolate. 😆 Yeah, it can be pretty helpful, being a natural mood-elevator, aside from the fact it tastes so good.

 

I always try to wear comfortable clothing during that time and since I get cold easier during that time, I often wear loose soft fabric pants with perhaps a nice jacket or hoodie. As long as my clothing is soft and feels good, I'll generally feel better.

 

And I'll try to do that more. I usually remind myself that other men are suffering like me and one day I won't have to deal with these anymore, but for me, I'll try to remind myself I'm a cool, tough guy for enduring this terrible malady. Thank you.

[Samuel William]

On 8/7/2022 at 3:28 AM, Russ Fenrisson said:

However, the one thing that persists to break my mood is the monthlies. When I feel it coming, I know I'm about to fall again. That's always been the toughest one for me to crack: how can I continue to live as me when I still experience this unneccesary physiological process? It's a real bummer.

Ugh, monthlies. One thing I found helpful was finding boxer shorts that work with pads. I’ve always wanted to wear boxers - not sure why; they just struck me as being the ideal underwear - and recently actually began doing so. Discovering that TomboyX have a line of boxers designed to allow the use of pads was a godsend - I still don’t LIKE the business, but I do feel better that I can at least wear something that feels right. 

[Sol]

I bought some men's exercise shorts and I actually didn't notice is had a hole in the front until over two months after I bought it 😅

Still my absolutely favorite thing to wear during periods cause it's not tight on the crotch at all.

[Russ Fenrisson]

@Samuel WilliamAwesome! I would wear boxers but I'm too scared to wear them during that time due to... you know. I often just wear loose clothing or comfortable shorts as a consolation. Then when all is done, then I can wear boxers again. 😎 Though, I was thinking of getting more just for confidence.

 

@Sol I have some pants like that. It was weird at first and then I accepted it as part of the clothing.

[Samuel William]

@Russ Fenrisson, you should definitely check out the TomboyX range of boxers. I was so glad to be able to finally throw out the set of women’s underwear I’d grudgingly kept for the dreaded monthly occurrence. 

[Russ Fenrisson]

@Samuel WilliamCan you find those in stores or is it in an online store?

[Samuel William]

20 hours ago, Russ Fenrisson said:

@Samuel WilliamCan you find those in stores or is it in an online store?

It’s an online store.