I NEED to transition!

[Tara37]

I have posted on here in several different categories. And, the feedback has been so great! Thank you all for the support you’ve shown me!
So, here is my rambling this time… I’ve known for a lot of years that something wasn’t right. I finally realized that I’m transgender. But, not soon enough. I’ve had thoughts about wanting to be a girl since I was very young. I started crossdressing in secret when I was young. For a lot of time I just thought that was me…a crossdresser. But, eventually I realized that wasn’t the case. Unfortunately, I was married for about three years and had a child with my wife before I realized this part of me. I came out to her through a letter when I finally realized this. But, she took it really hard!! My coming out was about five years ago. There has been a LOT of crying, on her part and mine, since then. My wife isn’t even a little bit supporting. She absolutely hates this about me. This has caused a lot of lashing out and hatred towards me. When times are good they are really good. However, when times are bad they are REALLY bad. I’ve attempted suicide a few times because of this. But, my seven year old daughter keeps me from doing this. I LOVE being a parent! 
I really do love my wife. But she has made it very clear that if I transition she will leave me. Her feelings and beliefs are valid and I get that. But that doesn’t stop how I feel. I am a woman and I don’t know how to keep living as a man. I know that sounds crazy... But, how can I keep living as a man and keep my wife when I am not a man. I hate this about me. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I’ve told my wife and therapist about my suicidal ideation and my suicidal attempts and they both suggested that I lock up my guns and give my wife the key. I recently tried very hard to kill myself. So, as scary as that experience was I locked up all of my guns and gave my wife the key. I just don’t know what to do… I know I need to transition. But, I don’t want to lose my wife in the process. I know there has to be others out there who’ve had the same experiences. How did you handle them?

[Ivy]

Hi Tara.     I don't really know what to tell you.  My children were grown, and my marriage done for by the time I came out.

I was suicidal for awhile, but thinking of my family kept me from pulling the trigger.  You love your daughter, of course you do.  That would be a disaster for her.  So… just don't.

There are people here in similar situations to you, and maybe they can help you get through this.

I am thinking of you and your pain.

[Heather Shay]

I'm glad you are working with a therapist. That's vital. My situation has so many parallels and my heart goes out to you. Being true to YOU is the most important. I keep hearing that and I believe it but it is so hard. I understand your feelings. Putting ourself first is extremely hard after a lifetime of not. Keeping working with your Therapist is my advice and both of us will find the answer. We just have to be brave and keep working on it.

Hugs

[Tara37]

3 hours ago, Jandi said:

Hi Tara.     I don't really know what to tell you.  My children were grown, and my marriage done for by the time I came out.

I was suicidal for awhile, but thinking of my family kept me from pulling the trigger.  You love your daughter, of course you do.  That would be a disaster for her.  So… just don't.

There are people here in similar situations to you, and maybe they can help you get through this.

I am thinking of you and your pain.

Thank you for thinking of me. That really means a lot. My daughter is seriously the only reason I’m still here. So, I am just trying focus on her and make it a day at a time. 

[Tara37]

2 hours ago, Heather Shay said:

I'm glad you are working with a therapist. That's vital. My situation has so many parallels and my heart goes out to you. Being true to YOU is the most important. I keep hearing that and I believe it but it is so hard. I understand your feelings. Putting ourself first is extremely hard after a lifetime of not. Keeping working with your Therapist is my advice and both of us will find the answer. We just have to be brave and keep working on it.

Hugs

I don’t have any clue as to what self care looks like. But, my therapist is absolutely amazing and she helping. I don’t plan on ending that relationship any time soon. I do wish for you to find your answers. Hopefully I will one day also. Thank you for the kind words. 

[KathyLauren]

I don't have much that I can add to the responses you have already received.  I definitely hope that you stick around for your daughter's sake.

 

The one thing I would add is to suggest that you read the subject line of this thread out loud a couple of times.  There is wisdom there, and perhaps some advice.

[Delcina B]

Hi Tara! My biggest roadblock for the longest time was being willing to explore why I felt feminine & accepting the answer. I am transgender, nothing will change this part of me. Then what to do now that I know & accept who I am? Finding this forum while exploring was a lifesaver. Here people who felt like I felt, been though what I have & am dealing with were often, for the most part living a happy life, finding where they felt comfortable on the gender spectrum, where their dysphoria was at a manageable level. I don't think there's a cookie cutter version, it's often different for each person. For me, I'm taking it a step at a time, I'm still on my journey.

 

I've had a similar experience as you. My spouse is not accepting of me presenting en femme, period. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have a choice, but the result of not transitioning for me is death, likely a slow painful alcoholic one. I am no help to her, or anyone else drowning in a bottle, or dead. I choose to live, not only for me, but for my family too.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Tara37]

16 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

I don't have much that I can add to the responses you have already received.  I definitely hope that you stick around for your daughter's sake.

 

The one thing I would add is to suggest that you read the subject line of this thread out loud a couple of times.  There is wisdom there, and perhaps some advice.

I’ve read and reread the subject line several times now and you are so right. 

[Charlize]

The first big incident i had with my wife was shortly before the birth of our first child.  38+- years later with two grand children i started to see a therapist.  So many times i backed off and lived the life i was "supposed"  to live.  My issues never left me and only caused issues like depression.  I wasn't a happy camper!!  At 63 i transitioned and went full time.  Fortunately my wife accepted me over time.  We also had days of tears which have lead to peace.  She would be happy if i had not transitioned but i just couldn't continue as a man.  

We all have our own paths on this difficult path.  We stay and get through it day by day and hopefully can find some peace with today, regardless of where we are on our paths.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Tara37]

On 5/17/2022 at 10:44 PM, Delcina B said:

Hi Tara! My biggest roadblock for the longest time was being willing to explore why I felt feminine & accepting the answer. I am transgender, nothing will change this part of me. Then what to do now that I know & accept who I am? Finding this forum while exploring was a lifesaver. Here people who felt like I felt, been though what I have & am dealing with were often, for the most part living a happy life, finding where they felt comfortable on the gender spectrum, where their dysphoria was at a manageable level. I don't think there's a cookie cutter version, it's often different for each person. For me, I'm taking it a step at a time, I'm still on my journey.

 

I've had a similar experience as you. My spouse is not accepting of me presenting en femme, period. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have a choice, but the result of not transitioning for me is death, likely a slow painful alcoholic one. I am no help to her, or anyone else drowning in a bottle, or dead. I choose to live, not only for me, but for my family too.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

Your experience’s seem very similar to mine. I drink every evening to try to numb the pain. I have two options. Transition and feel right and happy with my self. Or, don’t transition and be mentally miserable. I don’t know how to choose to hurt the ones I love the most to be happy in my own head. All of this is so unfair. This sucks so much 😢

[Tara37]

On 5/18/2022 at 6:52 AM, Charlize said:

The first big incident i had with my wife was shortly before the birth of our first child.  38+- years later with two grand children i started to see a therapist.  So many times i backed off and lived the life i was "supposed"  to live.  My issues never left me and only caused issues like depression.  I wasn't a happy camper!!  At 63 i transitioned and went full time.  Fortunately my wife accepted me over time.  We also had days of tears which have lead to peace.  She would be happy if i had not transitioned but i just couldn't continue as a man.  

We all have our own paths on this difficult path.  We stay and get through it day by day and hopefully can find some peace with today, regardless of where we are on our paths.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

I am so happy that you were able to finally live your true life and have your spouse there to support you. 

[Tara37]

On 5/22/2022 at 10:48 AM, Hannah Renee said:

That is, indeed, a truly agonizing choice to make. When my my asked me two years ago, straight out, if I was gay or even trans, it finally hit me that I had to tell the truth. That was the tipping point, in essence, in realizing that there would be pain for everyone either way. I could keep causing pain for us all by continuing to lie/deceive/hide, or cause new additional pain with the truth. My dream of relative acceptance by my family was, other than my younger daughter, not to be realized. I'm assuming, from my family's standpoint, the present pain is better than that which could have realistically come about from my early demise.

 

Yes, it's unfair, it sucks, it's painful, but you have to take care of you first.

 

Hugs

Hannah

I feel your pain so much. I’m pretty sure I’ve lost my wife. This weekend was really bad and she has been very angry with me. She’s told me for a long time now that this has a been a lie. I’ve tried to explain things. But she doesn’t want to hear anything I’ve tried to say. 
I wish I knew what to do… the way my family is… they will absolutely hate me! They are very conservative and do not understand any of this. I do understand your struggles. 
I’m rambling because I’ve had a couple drinks. I should probably end it at that. I hope you have a great day!