Devastated

[Heather Shay]

I desire surgery. It's the only surgery I've actually ever wanted. Due to the community I live in and my wife's slow acceptance (I am grateful she didn't jump ship) and her inability to discuss with my step kids yet. I've been on HRT for nearly 2 years and hit 70 at the end of May.

I have my 2 psych letters and medical letters and a surgeon who accepts Medicare.

My therapist this week said she doesn't think Medicare would pay due to me not being fully committed to general community (75% of which are MAGA enthusiasts) and so she tells me technically I haven't even started my life of RLE. 

I have concluded that WHEN my wife comes around (oh yeah and she starts cancer treatments for the first time this coming week and so both of us have her as top priority as it should be) that if Medicare rejects my request I will be forced to take another menial job to pay as it seems anything I've ever wanted to do in life had to be financed by me.

Not even knowing when I can even start the "official" beginning of RLE (although my friends and important family member knows and I frequently spend time as me in surrounding communities) I do know waiting a year beyond may end up being too late for my 70(although I'm in pretty good shape with few ailments except gender dysphoria).

Sorry for the lengthy post but I really needed to vent and your are truly more of a family to me than the biological one.

Hugs and thanks for reading.

Sigh

[Marcie Jensen]

@Heather Shay, God bless you, sister. It must be terribly frustrating for you as your current situation has so many challenges. Sadly, I've no words of advice for you (and free advice is worth what you pay for it.) I can, and do, empathize with you and can offer support, sympathy and hugs. I hope your5 wife's surgery goes well that your therapist is incorrect regarding your situation with Medicare and community.

 

Hugs.

[Heather Shay]

@Marcie Jensen thank you Hugs

[Delcina B]

@Heather Shay First, thank you girl, for the support & advice you've offered! When I first showed up here just over a year ago you always had a hug, & wonderful advice like get a GT, videos & books to help me find, accept & love me.

 

Placing your wife above your transition & your own happiness is so unselfish. I wasn't able to do the same, well, if I did I wouldn't be fit to be around, or dead. 

 

I'm not sure why the GT, or Medicare would say such a thing. I think someone willing to have GRS is just as gender dysphoric as someone who presents in public

[Heather Shay]

@Hannah Renee My current therapist and another psychologist I saw previously both wrote letters of approval for bottom surgery based on psychological soundness. My HRT NP and authorized doctor with my LGBTQ+ health care have signed off in regard to physical health. My therapist knows I've not fully been visible in my community due to my activity in the Arts, fear for family safety and audience safety. So she doesn't think medicare would approve RLE. Medicare would need a sign off that I've completed the 1 year living fully as a woman (I fully wear appropriate clothing, wigs while my hair fully grows out, been on electrolysis and HRT for 2 years and my pharmacist, dentist, health care, family doctor and important friends and 1 remaining important family member knows). I know Medicare approves or rejects on a case by case basis depending on if they view it as necessary surgery so I don't no for fact that I'd be rejected BUT... I am now part of the Board of a new LGBTQ organization in the community and plan to have my name exposed as we announce to the community of the existence of the Knox County Pride Alliance and maybe that will help.

Anyway in my mind if rejected when I can even consider setting up a consult with a surgeon who has all the required letters she requires for a consult - if surgeon approves, I'll go and find a job again to pay out of pocket. Everything I've ever seemed to want in my life, I've had to earn the finances to do so I'm' not afraid to do it again if I have to.

Sorry for rambling but I am a little is distraught.

[Heather Shay]

@Delcina B thank you for your kind words. I'm glad I could help. That makes me feel much better. THANK YOU.

[Delcina B]

Thank you, editor & a premature "butt send." I hope & pray things work out for you Heather. 

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[miz miranda]

@Heather ShayI am so sorry for your anguish. Go ahead and vent, rage and whatever you need to get through this. Your and your wife are in my thoughts.

[Heather Shay]

@miz miranda thank you for your kindness. It means a lot. Hugs

[Heather Shay]

@Hannah Renee thank you.

[Zelaire]

Good luck, Heather, and I really hope your wife comes through her treatment with speed and good health, and that you get the support you need to also take care of yourself. (I didn't realize RLE was still a requirement after the advent of informed consent, but clearly I still have a lot to learn.) ❤️

[Heather Shay]

@Zelaire Unfortunately Medicare hasn't come to the 21st century yet. Thank you so much Hugs.

[DeeDee]

@Heather Shay I think the 2 years on HRT is justifiable enough as commitment to your process, but the advice someone gave me was to get as much photo and written evidence of you using your name as you can. Sign up for things with your name too so you have dated junkmail coming to you. That way if anyone questions your RLE then you can point to everything you've done. After all a woman doesn't have to be wearing a little black dress and full face of makeup every time she leaves the house and they are not going to ask for daily photos of how you are dressed! I'll keep you and your wife in my thoughts. 💜

[Sally Stone]

Heather, just know that you and your wife are in my thoughts.  I wish I could do more than just being supportive, but maybe, hopefully, it helps a little.  

[VickySGV]

Medicare will not be the arbiter here, have your therapist check with a colleague and they will be told that the One Year is not set in concrete.  WPATH does not even have the requirement in its current literature.  Our British siblings here have to go through NIH which is persnickety about the time, but I regularly hear from people with little or no "real life" experience.  As I say, have the Therapist get in touch with USPATH which is the US branch of WPATH and get some education, to quit gatekeeping you.   Best wishes for your wife for her medical issues.

[JacobLevado]

Hugs, that's horrible.  That said, you may find that Medicare doesn't look beyond the letters you already have.  Insurance can be pretty arbitrary (even to the extent of declining a procedure initially because some of the boxes weren't ticked), then the surgeon does more box checking, then it goes through.  The fact that your therapist is telling you that there's some objective standard for RLE is pretty concerning to me, personally, though.  As has been pointed out, that's not really what's in WPATH SOC7 (the current guidance), and the new standards should be out in a few months and are expected to be more supportive of informed consent.  So don't lose hope.  Your real life experience is valid, and the fact that you already have your letters tells me a couple of professionals already think you've learner enough from it to proceed with surgery.  Kia kaha!

[Heather Shay]

@JacobLevado @Sally Stone @DeeDee and @VickySGV thank you. You are so important to me. I'm crying as I read through these comments. I am so blessed to be here.

Super Hugs

Heather

[Charlize]

The time commitment is no longer a factor in getting surgery as Vicky noted.  Try not to feel devastated.  We make it through these seeming setback bit by bit.  I certainly remember those feelings of despair but slowly worked towards solutions where possible.   Slowly acceptance grew about what i couldn't do.  Being here and sharing helped then and continues to help.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize 

[Heather Shay]

You and my true sisters here are an incredible gift for me. Hugs and thank you @Charlize

[Maddee]

Hugs Heather Shay.

 

Why??

 

People generally can be accepting…on a surface level…so long as it’s not someone they knew already as someone else!!!

 

That kind of change can bring on so much resistance.

 

In my transition, I walked away from my earlier life, Relocated, changed names.  Relocated, changed names again.  

 

I am  humbled by your life decision to do right and stand by your life.  For your situation and timeline it is the way.  Your path.

 

Too often I wish I could go back and do things I used to, but as my new self.

so far, it seems I can’t.  The past is not there anymore.  It was sacrificed.  
 

time is precious  but so are people

 

Congrats on getting the two needed letters.  Remember that these will likely have to keep getting updated over this process.  
 

while you have decided some things must wait, there is always so much to do.  So please keep doing everything else you need

 

fearless

bold

steps

 

Today

 

 

[Kylie]

@Heather Shaymy heart hurts reading this. I hope good news and blessings head your way. ❤️

[Vidanjali]

@Heather Shay you have been a shining light in this community and particularly in my life since I joined TP last year. Much love, clarity and perseverance to you.

[Heather Shay]

Been another week filled with sadness and despondency. Internal pain level 9.5 out of 10. Not sure if therapist who I see today has any more tricks up her sleeve to alleviate this suffering.

[Kylie]

@Heather ShayI am sorry to hear you’re still hurting. Be open and honest with your therapist. ❤️

[Heather Shay]

@Kylie thank you. Sadly I don't sense a decrease in pain coming from the session today. I have been as brutally honest with her as she has been with me. I'm glad she isn't sugarcoating anything for me and that's what I want but it certainly doesn't bring me any comfort.