The self realization dam burst and I’m trying not to drown

[CipherKai]

I never thought I would make a post like this.  The human mind is so good at justifying things away that one does not want to face.  This is a scary double edged sword.  My mind is so good at this I stayed in a miserable marriage 10 years longer than I should have. Instead of realizing i was deeply unhappy, I convinced myself, and my therapist I was bipolar. 10 years of more and more medication to try to feel normal until I finally realized I was in a loveless marriage and lonely.  5 years of being single and free of those horrible meds that didn't fit me and I’m feeling stronger than ever.

 

That feeling of not belonging is still there.  I see now so many internal dialogues steering me away from the truth because I thought it was a pipe dream or an impossibility.

The justifications I told myself so I could ignore my deeper feelings and the things I blew off:

• “If I could live life again I’d be a woman to experience both sides.”  
• The jealousy of woman's fashion because men’s fashion is ‘boring’.  
•Watching porn from the woman’s perspective 100% of the time because I need to understand the woman’s body to be a better lover.

•I having zero attachment to my male body.

•trouble relating to other men and all my closest friends being female.

•How happy I was when a classmate mistook me for a woman and almost hit on me at a halloween party in college when I dressed up in one of my wife’s dresses.

•Only felt connected to female characters in video games, where I told myself I just liked walking them walk.

•I’m only attracted to women so I can’t really be trans

 

I know theses are just excuses but these are my barriers that prevented that door being opened.

I have felt alone and not fully seen by anyone until I met my girlfriend.  She is the most open, loving and caring person I’ve ever met. Together we’ve discovered a level of acceptance I couldn’t have even imagined possible.  That feeling of being seen and still desired has uncovered feelings that I never thought I’d explore.  Things I kept locked away that I never thought I’d share with anyone have been opened.  Opening up about my deepest desires has revealed even more levels I didn’t know existed. Like the rubbish of what I knew in my mind had been cleared revealing entirely new pathways to explore.

 

I opened up to my girlfriend about questioning my gender.  It was so hard to put voice to something I’ve never said out loud.  My fear of being abandoned or her losing desire for me as a man was terrifying.  I have been successful as a man.  I’m attractive, charismatic and comfortable as I can be in this nice looking skin suit.  The thought of coming out, letting that genie out of the bottle is terrifying.  So terrifying I have successfully suppressed the truth even from myself.  
 

I’ve thought about transition.  When I was younger I didn’t know it existed.  At least not a passable transition. I knew about transvestites.  That didn't have any appeal because I knew only being a woman would be enough.  Pretending would be more painful than just ignoring it and living as a man.  

Until the last 10 years or so I didn’t even know someone born as a man could truly pass as a woman. I’m 46. When I did discover it was possible I thought I had missed the boat.  I couldn’t put much thought into it because I believed I was too old and my body too masculine to ever pass.  My vanity played a factor in my denial.  I couldn’t imagine myself being an attractive passable woman going through transition.  
 

Finally being in a loving safe relationship gave me space to be honest with what I need to feel accepted and loved fully.

 

I started doing a little research.  Seeing people closer to my age who had transitioned from very masculine men to these beautiful woman stunned me.  I put my picture into the FaceApp gender filter and cried.  I was beautiful.  I don’t know how accurate something like that truly is to the physical possibilities but it was like a dam breaking in my heart. For the first time a transition felt like a real possibility.

 

I honestly don't know if I could go through with a transition.  Kinda wish I would have realized this two years ago when everyone was isolated and I could have started in obscurity if I chose to (or at 13 when it would have been waaaaay easier).  
 

Being successful as a man is a barrier because it’s easy to keep the status quo.  I can keep pretending in this skin suit and have a successful and fulfilling life for the most part.  I am good at being a man and I do get some pleasure in it, even if it’s not what I truly want.
 

I know I have a lot of family and friends would support me.  My children, 14 and 17, would support me.  Still, I have trauma from my youth that makes admitting even what I’ve written here hard to say even anonymously and just the sheer magnitude of the change is daunting.

 

My girlfriend is bisexual so that helps on the relationship side but would we survive the transition?  Our relationship has already weathered a lot and it hasn’t even been a year.  I can’t imagine going through this without her or not being lovers at the end of it. It was hard enough just opening up to her about my questioning for fear of losing any intimacy between us. She has been amazingly accepting and also enthusiastic of my more feminine desires so I feel I can explore things with her the things I have only fantasized about while masturbating. It would still be just the sexual fantasizing and if I don’t transition I’ll never run my hands along my own curvy hips, touch my own breasts, fill out a slinky dress or have brunch as a woman among her girlfriends.  

The damn broke a week ago.  These feelings are super raw and fresh.  I don’t know what to do other than share this story.  I know of the challenges of both paths, stay male or transition to female and am completely overwhelmed. I could really use some perspective and insight from the community here.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, CipherKai.  Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings.  You write very well and there is so much emotion in those words.  I do hope that things go the way you want, and you achieve your dreams.  Many of us have, even if we didn't turn out to be the lovely things we imagined in our dreams.  But many, including me, are more than satisfied with what we have achieved, and its enough.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

3 hours ago, CipherKai said:

The damn broke a week ago.  These feelings are super raw and fresh.  I don’t know what to do other than share this story

 

Time to share this with a Gender Therapist in the honesty you have shared it here for sure.  Out here on the Left Coast as you are, it is easier to find therapists that actually KNOW about Gender Dysphoria and can help you and others in your life.  That goes for GF and kids at the ages you claim.  While happy with how I look at 74 years old, as just that older feminine person, I had a situation over the last two days where I had some professional makeup done on me, and when they showed me the results I had to look twice to see in the mirror that it was ME and not some better looking younger woman.  I did get compliments from the people around me still with the "who am I kidding" feeling, but we do have times that are satisfying and deep down feel very real and at home in our bodies at last.  Some of the people I was with included couples in a variety of match-ups, so love and companionship are going to be there.  I have a Trans grandchild, and her step brother has come out as Pansexual recently.  It can be a wild and wonderful world, but by all means the BIG WORD of the day is HONESTY with ourselves..

[CipherKai]

On 5/28/2022 at 7:07 PM, Carolyn Marie said:

Welcome to Trans Pulse, CipherKai.  Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings.  You write very well and there is so much emotion in those words.  I do hope that things go the way you want, and you achieve your dreams.  Many of us have, even if we didn't turn out to be the lovely things we imagined in our dreams.  But many, including me, are more than satisfied with what we have achieved, and its enough.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Thank you.  Things really clarify when I write.  I’m not sure where this exploration will take me. I’ve been a cis male for almost half a century.  I’m trying to keep everything in perspective but just putting a voice to these feelings here and with my girlfriend has lifted a constant weight on my heart.  What will be enough to feel fully myself I truly don’t know.  It’s like so many knotted strings.  Pull on one strand and others tighten or loosen unpredictably. It will be a slow delicate process I’m sure.  

[CipherKai]

23 hours ago, VickySGV said:

 

Time to share this with a Gender Therapist in the honesty you have shared it here for sure.  Out here on the Left Coast as you are, it is easier to find therapists that actually KNOW about Gender Dysphoria and can help you and others in your life.  That goes for GF and kids at the ages you claim.  While happy with how I look at 74 years old, as just that older feminine person, I had a situation over the last two days where I had some professional makeup done on me, and when they showed me the results I had to look twice to see in the mirror that it was ME and not some better looking younger woman.  I did get compliments from the people around me still with the "who am I kidding" feeling, but we do have times that are satisfying and deep down feel very real and at home in our bodies at last.  Some of the people I was with included couples in a variety of match-ups, so love and companionship are going to be there.  I have a Trans grandchild, and her step brother has come out as Pansexual recently.  It can be a wild and wonderful world, but by all means the BIG WORD of the day is HONESTY with ourselves..

I’m looking for a new therapist so I will definitely find one who has gender dysphoria experience, thank you. I live in Portland so there are a lot of resources here.  My kids already have more experience than I do with queer relationships.  My sons last two partners are non-binary and my daughter thinks she is bi (though she hasn’t dated yet). Their generation is already lightyears ahead of mine.  My GF has a close trans ftm friend who she’s watched go through the whole process with his wife so I feel very fortunate to have her in my life. She has been giving me lots of advice on how to approach my discovery.  Like you said, honesty is so important. Sharing this secret part I never thought I’d share has been so freeing and our relationship has only gotten deeper and stronger.  I know there will be many tough times ahead but I know I won’t have to feel alone.  I don’t think I would have even had the courage to be honest with myself and look at this path without her love.
 

 

[Heather Shay]

@CipherKai welcome and thank you for joining. You are very brave and wonderful. I am proud of you. You are among friends and I see 2 of the very best have already responded.

[Ivy]

Welcome CipherKai.

I know that "damn broke" feeling.  It's liberating, but scary when it happens to you.

[Heather Nicole]

@CipherKai: I can relate to a lot of those excuses/justifications you listed. There's definitely a lot in there I find quite familiar!

 

Welcome!

[Mmindy]

Welcome to TransPulseForums, CipherKai.

I hope you find the peace and calm that you deserve. Everyone here has been so helpful to me, and I think you'll find the same support. It is good advice that you seek out your own Gender Therapist, so you rely solely on professional help and not the anecdotal experiences here. I think the most important phrase I've heard here on the forums is: "Your Mileage May Very."- @Jackie C. if she's not to author of this quote, she's the wordsmith who makes you think, laugh, and say to yourself: Oh yeah...

 

Best wishes, stay positive and safe,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Fly2188]

I don’t have anything to add, but I will say that I’ve had the thoughts in every bullet point you list. 

[Sol]

This is super late, but I do hope you're doing well and the feeling of the "dam bursting" is definitely one I share. 

It's very overwhelming and it can continue to be overwhelming for a while after, but you seem to have an awesome support system so that's always good. 

Finding a good therapist helps, and I'll keep recommending it. 

And as always, welcome to Trans Pulse!