Trans Questioning

[Kaden]

So I've been having some confusion around my gender identity for a while, and I've done tons and tons of research, but I still can't seem to get a good grip on anything, so I thought I'd try an online forum. This is my first time on one, and I'm sorry in advance for how long this is. To explain my feelings, I don't know if I'm a transgender man or not. I know for sure I'm not a female. I can just feel that it doesn't align with how I feel inside, and it doesn't feel right to be seen as a female and use she/her pronouns. I've already started going by a different name with close friends, and I like it if that helps with anything. So the other options is male or non binary. I do know I want to be a boy. I wish I was born a boy, I wish I had a flat chest, I wish I had a deep voice, I wish people saw me as male, and I wish I had that guy aurora. I get jealous when I see other teenage guys or even comics with teen trans guys (like Magic Boy on Tapas). I get severe gender envy from them and anime characters, which I know sounds stupid. I just wish I could be like them. I just feel like I'd be happier if I was a guy. But I know this is different than FEELING like a guy. I don't know if I feel like a guy. How do you even describe if you feel like a guy? Then I look up at grown men and I think that I don't want to look like them, but I don't want to look like a grown girl, but at the same time, they're grown and I want to look like a teenage boy. My fear is that this is all in my head. What if I am convincing myself that I'm not a female because I've been looking into this for so long? What if I built up fake resentment to my birth? I haven't felt like this since I was three, it's more recent, just a couple years ago, which is also confusing. Shouldn't I have known from the start? I used to never have a problem with dresses and girly things, but now I do. I guess this is me saying I don't feel trans enough to be trans. Does anyone have any advice on how to figure out if I'm trans? Or do you think I could be? If you have read all of this, thank you, I appreciate it.

[DeeDee]

5 hours ago, Kaden said:

I just feel like I'd be happier if I was a guy.

Hi @Kaden I'm sure others will chime in, but there is no one way of realising that you are trans, some of us didn't figure it out until much later in life and you can get to a point where you are just going around in circles.

Everyone recommends you find a gender therapist to talk to, because they can help you sort through your feelings without rushing to find a label that fits, but the general rule of thumb is that people who aren't trans never actually question their identity. It sounds like you are realising that defining what a man is or what a woman is, is not actually as straight forward as society has told us to think.

I will say that the above sentence speaks volumes to me about how you see yourself, and at some point most of us wonder if we are "trans" enough, in the end the only reason to change the outside presentation is to make you feel more comfortable on the inside. Most of us will not end up looking like the supermodels we see in popular transition videos, but if you are happier with who you are at the end of the process than at the start, it is 100% worth asking yourself the hard questions. Good luck!

[Kathy2020]

Hi Kaden! There is a lot to unpack in your message, and believe it or not, you will find all of the answers you are seeking in previous posts on this forum! The good news is that your questions and experiences are not uncommon, and most of us have had to navigate them in our own journey, so let that comfort you. One of your last questions was, "Am I trans enough?" and the answer is always "Yes!" Being transgender is not determined by a set check-list, but by how you feel about yourself and how you feel you fit into the world. In other words (and as my therapist told me), you are transgender when you decide you are, and how you get to that conclusion is entirely up to you. Its also something that for most of us is not an on/off switch, a sudden burst of enlightenment, etc.; it took us time to sort through all our internal feelings and the social noise saying we are suppose to be one thing or another. In the end though, when you decide what gender you are, that is what you are. When you reach that point, embrace yourself and don't let go, everything else will fall into place as it should for you. 🙂

[Ivy]

Welcome Kaden.

I don't have much to tell you, I was much older when I finally figured it out.  I would say don't panic though.  Things will become clearer as you go along.

[stveee]

This is a fairly TRANS post with TRANS thinking and usual questions that TRANS ask early before they crack posted on a TRANS forum before they see a TRANS therapist.

 

IDK, maybe it's just a phase? 

[Jackie C.]

Hey sweetie, I see that you're 15. Dysphoria once puberty hits isn't all that uncommon with trans people. I mean kids bodies aren't that different from each other. That's easier to deal with. Now that puberty is changing/has changed your body in ways that you don't want... your brain is screaming that this just isn't right.

 

If they're supportive, I'd ask your parents about a gender therapist. You could be FtM, you could be NB, you could be any number of other alternative identities but they'll help you figure out what you need to do to feel comfortable in your own skin.

 

A couple of examples from my friend group: I have a lesbian friend who feels bottom dysphoria. She started making herself packers when she was twelve. I have a NB friend who took T to become a little more masculine, until they felt that their body fit. I have another NB friend who just wears a binder and their dysphoria sweater. They show just all the ladies a good time. I have another FtM friend that's just happy with short hair-cuts and people calling them by their preferred name. I've got another friend, who rooms with one of my NB friends, who transitioned completely. He's just one of the guys now. I have an agender friend who presents female, but they don't feel like any pronouns really fit them.

 

So there are a ton of different ways you can express your gender identity. Don't panic. Figure out what you need to do and go with it. We're all different, none of our journeys has to be exactly the same. Find your path and blossom into who you are meant to be!

 

Hugs!

[Heather Nicole]

10 hours ago, Kaden said:

I get severe gender envy from them and anime characters, which I know sounds stupid. I just wish I could be like them.

 

Nothing stupid about that, I've heard lots of trans and enby people talking about the same thing (especially a lot of it on /r/traa if you happen to be on reddit). I'm no exception either!

 

10 hours ago, Kaden said:

I know for sure I'm not a female. I can just feel that it doesn't align with how I feel inside, and it doesn't feel right to be seen as a female and use she/her pronouns. I've already started going by a different name with close friends, and I like it if that helps with anything. So the other options is male or non binary.

 

Sometimes (well, maybe more like often) it's easy for people to get really caught up in labels and which box to put themselves in. Ultimately who you are is you, and that's that. It's up to the labels to fit (or not fit) us, not for us to go trying to fit ourselves into labels. I don't know if that helps any, but it sounds like you have a really good start already if you've already ruled out cisgender female.

 

And FWIW, I've never been able to figure out what it means to "feel like" a particular gender either. It's your life: How do you want to live it? How do you not want to live it?

 

In any case, like others have said, if you can get a gender therapist, then that's highly recommended for helping you sort through things and manage whatever your own path is.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I experienced some similar dysphoria around age 15... pushed it under the surface for years.  Now I'm in my 30's, and questioning again.  I haven't found the answers.  Your process of finding your answers will likely take a while, as other posters have said.  If you have access to advice or counselors (schools sometimes provide this) you can start there.  Having somebody to talk seems like a good start, and I'm wishing I had it right now. 

[Roach]

20 hours ago, Kaden said:

I wish I had a flat chest, I wish I had a deep voice, I wish people saw me as male, and I wish I had that guy aurora.

Alright here's one thing to consider. I'm not going to tell you, that you are trans, because that is something you have to figure out yourself. However, personally I think of it like this: Even if I'm not trans, and I live my life as female, I would STILL want a flat chest and a deep voice. I feel more comfortable wearing masculine clothes and hairstyles.

 

I often agonize over whether or not I am, but when that happens, I try to take gender out of the equation and just think of it as taking steps to make myself more comfortable. Hopefully this made some kind of sense.

 

If it's severely impacting your daily life, certainly find a professional to talk with, who has experience with questioning people. Whatever you find out, I wish you luck on your journey!