Not sure were I fit

[Silencedelta]

I have been thinking about were to write this for a few weeks now. I dont really know what fits me I call myself trans as that seems to be the closest I think. I want to live life with a feminie aperance and wear feminin clothing I want breasts and to remove every ounce of hair on my body other then on my head. But I dont want to go all the way, I dont know if I really want bottom surgury I dont really know if its out of fear something will go wrong as I am a huge scaredy cat or that part is not really what I care about its more expressing my outward apperance the way I want to look. I spend most of my time just wishing I can express outwardly the way I feel internaly. I went though therepy a decade ago and was approved for HRT but a combination of things like finances, location(lack of care for HRT and a not as LGBTQI+ frendly area), and anxiety over fears of appearance and things going wrong. I have almost no self esteem I tihnk I am horribly ugly even if I i transition i dont think i could ever pass. I am 6'6" and a giant. 56 Bra band size there is no fat there either the band rides my ribs I might get to a 54 I am working on losing weight for health and hopeing it will help get me to a more feminin appearnce some day though I doubt that. I have other issues but I wont drone on here as I may never stop. I know everytihng has expanded in this space and i have not kept up with all the new expressions of gender since I started hiding away after I finished college. After 8 years I just keep thinking at 31 you need to do this but i just keep puting it off. I still live in the same place with alot of the same issues. UGH I am looking for a theripist I dont think I actualy need one but its to try to work though the anxiety like the only LGBTQI+ health provider in my whole medical system, and its a big one, is a OBGYN and lists primary care as an option but I cant even work up the curage to call and make an apointemnt as she might know of more care options. I digress i guess i just want to make sure i am using the right lable I dont really care what people call me I just know what I to be. 

[Delcina B]

Hi Kira! You are you no matter what label you choose. It was really helpful for me to learn this journey exploring my femme is on a spectrum. I don't have to go all the way, I can stop wherever I feel comfortable. So, I take a step & see how I feel, has the gender dysphoria lessened? It isn't gone yet, so I keep walking. 

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[Heather Shay]

Hello @Silencedelta I concur with Delcina B, take small steps, see what feels comfortable and if you feel good with each step, take the next step. This is not a race and some backwards steps from time to time is also perfectly normal, we all go through them. You've been brave in opening up and know you are supported here.

[Betty K]

Hi @Silencedelta, you are definitely using the right label. It doesn’t matter if you intend to have bottom surgery or not. It doesn’t matter if you intend to have any surgery or to take hormones or not. If you feel a conflict between the sex you were assigned at birth and the gender that feels most comfortable to you, then you are trans.

 

As to the question of what you want to do about being trans, as Delcina and Heather said, that is entirely up to you. Personally, I share every single desire you mentioned — I would like to appear as feminine as possible — but I don’t see the need for bottom surgery either. But I still 100% consider myself transgender, and I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business what genitalia I have anyway. 

 

And then there’s this question of passing. I totally understand your fear in this regard. If your childhood was anything like mine maybe you were bullied for being feminine and have a deep-seated fear of abuse. I know I do. But there are many, many trans women who do not pass, and society, on the whole, accepts them. A while ago, a friend made what I think is a very valid point: passing erases trans culture. If we all were to live stealth, who would represent our community? Don’t get me wrong, I worry about my height too (I’m only 6’2” however), my big chin, big nose, big forehead, receding hairline, and especially my baritone voice. I worry about being ugly or manly. But I’ve stopped worrying about passing. I’m proud of being trans. Trans is beautiful.

[Ivy]

23 hours ago, Silencedelta said:

…but I cant even work up the curage to call and make an apointemnt as she might know of more care options.

I totally understand this.  

When I finally realized I had to do something, it took me at least 3 tries to actually complete the call - I'd panic and Hang up.  But making that first appointment changed my life.

 

Don't be afraid…  And good luck.