Hello my name is Yui and i am confused about a lot of things

[Yui]

Hello

 

 

My name is Yui, I am 29 and live in Europe. I'm not sure where to start my story or where to end it so i'l do my best to put as much as i can into text. 

 

I am on the autism spectrum and have memory issues so a lot of things are very vague for me but the earliest memory i have of questioning my gender identity was very early in my teenage years when i read a visual novel where gender swapping was the main theme for most of the novel. 

 

Back then i did not understand these feelings at all, It just felt uncomfortable sometimes when the theme of gender came up on the internet or in real life and it took me a long time before i even properly realized that these feelings were gender related and because i struggle with mental problems unrelated my gender to begin with it was for a long time never something i had the energy to do anything about.

 

A bit over a year ago a person who originally belonged to an organization that helps young people who have trouble finding their own place to live when the topic came up advised me to get put on the list for a "gender team" as they call it of a major hospital here. This gender team is a mix of mental health professionals and doctors like endocrinologists to help you figure things out and take action once you have. Of course there was a massive waiting list as seems to be the case with similar things in other countries but when i emailed them recently they made it sound like i could finally be getting a call about it any day now. 

 

For a while now i have been reading a lot of stories of other transgender people and although there are a lot of parts that tend to come back there are also parts where i disconnect and i don't understand why it is not the same for me. 

 

It felt often as if i wanted to be 49% male and 51% female but if there is one thing i am 95% sure of now is that i do want to start hormone treatment to get a much more feminine body. I think about it on a daily basis and i just feel like it would make me feel happier and more comfortable with myself. The disconnect for me comes in on how i feel about my body right now. I dislike a lot of things that i have now like growing a beard or a moustache, I also hate my lack of hips and other traits like that but where i had a hard time relating to other stories was always in regards to and i hope i'm allowed to mention this here masturbation. While i do often feel uncomfortable with having a penis masturbation has never been much of a problem in the moment at least while most stories i read had people being extremely uncomfortable with it which often made me wonder if i was lying to myself and why that difference was there.

 

No matter what is going on i very much hope that soon i'l be able to talk to people that will give me more clarity on everything than my therapist was able to and i am looking forward to seeing the opinions of everyone here aswell. If talked about anything i'm not supposed to be mentioning in an introduction or used words i'm not supposed to then please forgive me admins English stays a difficult language to fully master for me and i have never been that great with words to begin with.

 

Nice to meet all of you 

[tracy_j]

Hi Yui, welcome to the forum

 

Thank you for your introduction. Things can be a little confusing, as most of us have found, but you will learn a lot here and find many with similar thoughts. There is a wealth of collected experiences from over the years so please read around. and join in.

 

We all help each other.

 

Tracy

[Heather Shay]

Welcome. The "gender team" concept sounds like an amazing resource and will be very valuable.the people here on TP are also amazing and will answer questions lovingly and truthfully.

There is a wonder workbook that may help you sort things out as well. It is called "You and Your Gender Identity" by Dara Huffman-Fox and you can get it for about $15 on Amazon. It guides you to explore your personal journey and helps you based on your history and situation.

Good luck and know you are not alone.

[Betty K]

Hi @Yui, please don't let anybody make you feel like your way of experiencing sexuality is somehow "wrong" for your gender or body. There is no right way of experiencing sexuality; that idea is a relic from the past. Not every transgender person has genital dysphoria. Some do, some don't. Also, I think probably every transgender person has questioned their path at some point. After all, it's not an easy path. But if each step you take makes you happier then you are surely on the right track.

[Betty K]

(What I mean is, of course there is a right way of experiencing sexuality for you as an individual, but not a right way for all transfeminine people. We are all different.)

[Yui]

Thank you all for the replies, I still have a lot to think about and maybe i'l have a lot to think about for the rest of my life but i hope that soon i'l be able to start completing the puzzle a little more after having felt stagnant for a long time.

[Yui]

Small edit: I am 28 i only noticed now i had mistyped

[Delcina B]

Welcome Yui! Glad you're here! I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina