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I need advise 😭

TryingToCope34

By TryingToCope34,
in Introductions Forum

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TryingToCope34 New Member

TryingToCope34

Posted
Posted

 

Hi, I’m brand new here, I need someone to talk to. I spend so much of my alone time crying. I’m a biological, bisexual woman married to a man who has just this week came out to me, and one close friend as gender fluid and bisexual. He told me he has been secretly dressing as a woman for years. He told me this at the prompting of his therapist. We have been married for three years, together for 5. We have been having marital problems for all three years. They continued to get worse as time went on to the point where I told him get some therapy or we are done. This sounds harsh, but he was hostile and angry a lot and he had not told me anything about his identity, aside from he likes to wear skirts because they were comfortable. I was fine with it. He hides it from his conservative family. I respect that. My issue is he has not been honest with me even when I had point-blank asked him if he maybe liked men? In this conversation I had been very vulnerable with him in saying i was attracted to both sexes. (I was ALSO raised conservative) He said no, come to find out he had hooked up with a guy two years before we met. We are less angry at each other then we have been in two years. As people we are connecting. But as spouses…. He wants to stay together. I don’t think I do. I don’t know if it’s too much damage, or if it’s that our lifestyles may not match up.  (There’s been a lot of fights and damage) I don’t know what to do and my head is in a constant state of spinning and thinking and honestly panic. Not for his choices, I love all people. I really do. I celebrate all folks being who they are and loving themselves and spreading kindness. I guess I’m struggling to decided if we match anymore. Because I can’t sacrifice my happiness for his. I have to be my own main character and I have struggled with downplaying my needs my entire life. 

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Jackie C. Palladium Member

Jackie C.

Posted
  • Forum Moderator
Posted
9 minutes ago, TryingToCope34 said:

This sounds harsh, but he was hostile and angry a lot and he had not told me anything about his identity, aside from he likes to wear skirts because they were comfortable. I was fine with it.

 

Oh, been there. I was a right bastard before I came out. I can tell you that living authentically calmed me down a LOT.

 

11 minutes ago, TryingToCope34 said:

We are less angry at each other then we have been in two years. As people we are connecting. But as spouses…. He wants to stay together. I don’t think I do. I don’t know if it’s too much damage, or if it’s that our lifestyles may not match up.

 

That is absolutely fair. I know I want to stay with my spouse, I'm less sure that she wants to stay with me. Similar situation. I'm very, very gay. She is not. I respect her decision no matter what she eventually choses.

Coming out as trans breaks a marriage about half the time (45%). It's a partnership though. Both people need to want it. Your feelings are valid. Her feelings are valid. If they don't match up and the marriage is done, so be it.

 

I completely feel where you're coming from. You feel like your spouse lied to you. I would suggest that you step back and decide how you feel about them and being married to them. Don't make a decision in the heat of the moment and talk things out with your partner. Communication is the key to a solid relationship after all. Once you've had a good talk, make the decision that's right for you. It's not fair to either of you if one or the other wants out or wants something the other partner can't provide.

 

Hugs!

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Astrid Germanium Member

Astrid

Posted
Posted
18 minutes ago, TryingToCope34 said:

He told me this at the prompting of his therapist. We have been married for three years, together for 5. We have been having marital problems for all three years. They continued to get worse as time went on to the point where I told him get some therapy or we are done. This sounds harsh, but he was hostile and angry a lot and he had not told me anything about his identity

 

@TryingToCope34 - Peoples' gender journeys are ever evolving.  It is not uncommon for them to experiment in private, not telling their spouse.  You will find numerous accounts of that from a broad spectrum of people on this site.

 

Have you considered jointly attending sessions with a gender-experienced therapist (it could be a different one, and not the same one your spouse is currently seeing)?  There is a lot a ground that they can cover that is helpful for the both of you.  This is the course of action I chose with my spouse, and it greatly helped to open our lines of communication.

 

Astrid

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Carolyn Marie Platinum Member

Carolyn Marie

Posted
  • Admin
Posted
22 minutes ago, TryingToCope34 said:

II’m willing to exchange phone numbers or email but with the point system I don’t know how to do so privately. I mean I could give my childhood email lol 

 

Once you have five posts, you can access the Private Message system and talk privately with whoever you want.  I do want to urge caution in sharing personal information with people you only know online.  We don't prohibit it, but there are caveats.  Please read Community Rules #16, 18 & 21.  Thank you.

 

Carolyn Marie

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WillowA113 Titanium Member

WillowA113

Posted
Posted
57 minutes ago, Carolyn Marie said:

 

Once you have five posts, you can access the Private Message system and talk privately with whoever you want.  I do want to urge caution in sharing personal information with people you only know online.  We don't prohibit it, but there are caveats.  Please read Community Rules #16, 18 & 21.  Thank you.

 

Carolyn Marie

Could you send me the rules? I couldn’t find them and I don’t want to break any

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WillowA113 Titanium Member

WillowA113

Posted
Posted
21 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

Sure thing sweetie: The Rules!

 

Hugs!

I’ve read it and i have only one question. 
It mentioned that cursing is not allowed and it will be censored. Does that go for all curse words of just some of them? If only some, which ones? I don’t normally curse but I would like to know this just in case.  

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Jackie C. Palladium Member

Jackie C.

Posted
  • Forum Moderator
Posted
1 minute ago, WillowA113 said:

I’ve read it and i have only one question. 
It mentioned that cursing is not allowed and it will be censored. Does that go for all curse words of just some of them? If only some, which ones? I don’t normally curse but I would like to know this just in case.  

 

Unless you get creative, the system automatically censors curse words as you post. I've accidentally gotten around it a couple of times because I don't like to JUST use the basics. Try not to use creative hyphenated curses and you'll be fine.

 

Hugs!

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WillowA113 Titanium Member

WillowA113

Posted
Posted
8 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Unless you get creative, the system automatically censors curse words as you post. I've accidentally gotten around it a couple of times because I don't like to JUST use the basics. Try not to use creative hyphenated curses and you'll be fine.

 

Hugs!

Okay thank you! -expletive- damn

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WillowA113 Titanium Member

WillowA113

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, WillowA113 said:

Okay thank you! -expletive- damn

Sorry I wanted to test it out lol just ignore that. Saying this like “oh shoot” or “what the fudge” are okay, right? 

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Carolyn Marie Platinum Member

Carolyn Marie

Posted
  • Admin
Posted
11 minutes ago, WillowA113 said:

Sorry I wanted to test it out lol just ignore that. Saying this like “oh shoot” or “what the fudge” are okay, right? 

 

LOL!  Yeah, "What the fudge" is fine.  So is "gosh darn it," "dang" and "friggin ay!"

 

Carolyn Marie

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WillowA113 Titanium Member

WillowA113

Posted
Posted
19 minutes ago, Carolyn Marie said:

 

LOL!  Yeah, "What the fudge" is fine.  So is "gosh darn it," "dang" and "friggin ay!"

 

Carolyn Marie

Thank you! 

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Petra Jane Palladium Member

Petra Jane

Posted
  • Root Admin
Posted
1 hour ago, WillowA113 said:

Sorry I wanted to test it out lol just ignore that. Saying this like “oh shoot” or “what the fudge” are okay, right? 

Basically remember that parents of trans children visit and can read the forums, so bear in mind that foul language is not compulsory, just like in real life, so please avoid it as if your young niece, nephew, son, daughter might read things.

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WillowA113 Titanium Member

WillowA113

Posted
Posted
19 minutes ago, Petra Jane said:

Basically remember that parents of trans children visit and can read the forums, so bear in mind that foul language is not compulsory, just like in real life, so please avoid it as if your young niece, nephew, son, daughter might read things.

Yes of course I understand thank you!

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  • VickySGV changed the title to I need advise 😭
WillowA113 Titanium Member

WillowA113

Posted
Posted

@Carolyn Marie @Petra Jane 

I have another question about the rules. It says minors can’t post pictures of themselves. I’m 17. I edited my face on FaceApp and I look different enough where I feel like I could post it and it’d be fine. Would it be okay if I post those pictures? 

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Carolyn Marie Platinum Member

Carolyn Marie

Posted
  • Admin
Posted
31 minutes ago, WillowA113 said:

@Carolyn Marie @Petra Jane 

I have another question about the rules. It says minors can’t post pictures of themselves. I’m 17. I edited my face on FaceApp and I look different enough where I feel like I could post it and it’d be fine. Would it be okay if I post those pictures? 

 

Sorry, no.

 

Carolyn Marie

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WillowA113 Titanium Member

WillowA113

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Carolyn Marie said:

 

Sorry, no.

 

Carolyn Marie

Okay I understand 

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